Or Something 3-14-10

I don’t know what’s worse--that I googled “Is it ok to masturbate during Yom Kippur?” or that it isn’t.

When we're young, we're all yelling for the old folks to watch us jump in the pool. They watch some at the beginning, but then they stop paying attention to our dives. We beg and plead for them to keep watching us, but they don't give their full attention. How is it that when everyone grows up, they forget how important it is just to watch the kid dive? I know that it might not seem that entertaining to some, but it actually sounds better to me than a lot of the shit to which I've been subjected in my life.

Dumping Syndrome: this is a potential side-effect of gastric bypass, which I was looking at on WebMD while trying to figure out what exactly gastric bypass is. Dumping Syndrome does not sound like something I'd want to have. To assuage your fears and mine, I’ll have you know that Dumping Syndrome is incredibly rare to come down with, sans gastric bypass.

It seems like movies that are dominated by chick characters almost always end up being chick movies. I don’t understand why it has to be this way. It's like stereotypical. Or are chicks chicks? Now I’m trying to imagine a 14 year old boy sitting down to read a version of Lord of the Flies in which all the kids on the island are girls and suddenly feeling lightheaded.

So we're allegedly suffering from skyrocketing food prices, but I just bought 8 boxes of Reese's cereal at 2 bucks a box. That feeds a family...And it's not like I had to buy it off the back of some truck (oi, hot cereal); I bought it on Safeway.com. That shit's the shit.

Furthermore, when I'm sitting on that much Reese's cereal, I can afford to get experimental. And I do. My current style now is throwing a little Hershey's chocolate syrup into the milk first and mixing it up. I then unconventionally add the cereal last. It's so unconventional that twice I've accidentally poured the cereal in the bowl first and then had to pour the dry cereal back into the box. Unlearning what I've learned.

I had my seniors reread The Catcher in the Rye to do Freudian Analysis of Holden, and I'd told them about what film I usually show my freshmen after we read it, and as my seniors were about to the book, one asked, "Are we going to watch that movie The Dangerous Lifestyles of Altar Boys?" I laughed for like 5 minutes straight.

Do you ever stop yourself from picking your nose because your hands are dirty? Maybe you just shook somebody's hand or you just touched stuff in some gross public place...It just seems like if you have dirty hands, you are jamming all those germs up inside of yourself. I wash or Purell my hands every day at the end of school, before my drive home, in case the urge to excavate overtakes me.

I had this brilliant idea to make hats that had the design on the front off center, so people who like to rock their hats twisted could do so and still have the design centered. Although this isn't a style to which I subscribe, I thought it was brilliant. Then, when I was watching The Bad Girls' Club, I noticed that one of the girls already had a hat like that. It's hard damn work trying to come up with get rich quick schemes. Especially when mighty entities such as The Bad Girls' Club are conspiring against me.

When we were in Costa Rica over the summer, we were talking about girly-boys (girls that are actually boys). Dave relayed the story of someone who met a “girl” with whom he went home. Apparently as soon as they drunkenly entered his place, the girl was all, “Just take me in the ass.” So he did. And it was a few moments before he realized that his balls were slapping against this girl’s balls. Inspired by Dave’s anecdote, I thought that I coined a phrase for this: Newton’s Cradle. You can imagine how disappointed I was upon returning home to find that it 100% already existed on urban dictionary. God, there are such sick fuckers out there.

When we were at the beach over the summer, Sage asked Benzo and me if we knew the meaning of the term felching. We said no. He said that it comes from hundreds of years ago, and it means to suck (presumably with a straw-like device) the semen out of a woman's vagina, but can also mean to suck it out of a person's ass--it was originally meant as a form of birth control (sounds less dependable than the blessed pull out method). The king/a rich person would fuck whomever, and then his felcher would come through and suck out his seed so that he wouldn't get the lower end fuck-maidens pregnant. Sage said that he even found proof on wikipedia. So then we spent the rest of the day coming up with sex terms that would incorporate the idea of felching. The best one we came up with was a dusty (or dirty) snowball, when you filch the juice out of someone's ass, then spit it into their mouth.

Could you imagine being a professional felcher back in the day? The best felchers would have viceroys and kings on their resumes. Do you think they’d have like an all star weekend for the top felchers in the league, where they could do some isolated skills competitions to crown the best felcher?

"If you were thinking, you wouldn't have thought that."
--The Sandlot

How often do people die from bullets that are shot straight up into the air? Whenever I'm watching TV and somebody shoots a gun in the air (or when there’s a big celebration in Oakland), it's all I can think about. What goes up must come down, right? So while the odds aren't like 2 to 1 (shots fired up to hit people), even if it were 1000 to 1, that would still mean people die from that shit. And people ask me why I can't sleep at night.

JC is one of those people who makes her sneezes hella quiet when I'm in the room with her. For some reason, people who suppress the full force of their sneezes to make them quiet really bum me out. You should be proud of who you are. Anyways, the weirdest part about JC's sneezing style is that when she's right next to me on the couch and she sneezes, I can barely hear the whisper of wind exhaust. However, when she's all-the-way down the hallway, in her bedroom, with the door shut, she really lets her sneezes go--I can hear her sneezes exponentially louder inversely to how close she is to me. That's weird, right?

Bill Maher on how the proliferation of modern day prostitutes doesn't necessarily come entirely from abused women with psychological issues: "Women take a look around and they realize that they could work 40 hours a week at Kentucky Fried Chicken or they could blow Colonel Sanders for 10 minutes."

If you could kiss your own wiener and you had genital herpes, would it be possible to give yourself oral herpes? I think the bigger question to ask yourself: would it be worth the risk?

I'm just hypothesizing here (I swear I haven't tried it yet), but I think that the ultimate motivation for me to be able to reach all the way to suck my own dick is if I wrap bacon around it. I mean, when one tries to suck their own dick, one really, really wants it to happen, and they probably don't really need any other motivation, but bacon could just be that last little nudge needed to get me there. Or break my neck.

When's the last time you had a hot airline stewardess? Have you ever even had one? Or is it just that none of the hot ones work for Southwest? I feel like I’m lucky to see one per flight who is under 40 and under 140, and she’s the one that works first class. And Virgin has male stewardesses.

Sage said this and it kind of tripped me out: poo is the zombie of food. If you put some poo on a picnic table or something, all the food would freak out and be like, "Ahhhh, run. It's zombies." So that’s why we don’t put poo on the kitchen table.

I showed one of my classes Office Space since we had some down time, and since I didn't want to go through all the hassle of explaining to them what Beavis and Butthead was, I just told them that it was written and created by the guys that write South Park.

Sometimes we don't know what we want until we've lost it. But that is so clouded by our romanticizing of what we had. I think that more often, we simply don't really know what we want until we have it. My analogy: that shirt looks great on the rack at the store and the one next to it looks ok, but what matters is which one looks best on you. As someone who's tried on a lot of clothes in his day...

Do people actually wake up at 4:00 in the morning and make roast beef sandwiches or eat giant plates of leftovers and shit? In movies and on TV people do it all the time, but when I wake up at 4:00, I'm not thinking about a sandwich at all. Is the 4:00 AM sandwich just a device used by these mediums to forward plot or allow heart-to-heart conversations or what?

I recently came across pre-shelled pistachios. I'd never had them before last Chanukah. Just wow. Cashews will always be my favorite, but pre-shelled pistachios are definitely a contender (and a major upgrade). You can get hella them in your mouth at the same time...it's like the difference between firing a 6 shooter and firing an AK-47. Rapid fire pistachio.

We were talking about porn in class (at least we weren’t watching it), and I told my class how a chief justice once tried to define pornography and, failing, said something like, "Well, I can't define it, but I know it when I see it." I said that defining porn was a sticky situation.

I came up with the greatest band name ever (to date). My band is now called their there. I first thought of the concept before deciding on those spellings. Second place was they're there. Now if only I could sing or play an instrument. This could also be a perfect name for my bar (which I don't own and have only a slightly greater chance of obtaining than I do of becoming a rock star).

I shit you not: for this attempt-at-altruism extracurricular project that my school puts on, a girl is targeting shy girls who lack self-confidence. How do you take a shy girl who lacks self-confidence and try to build her up, you ask? Easy. I introduce the first annual "Fashion Show for Girls with Low Self-Esteem." I'll clap for all of them.

Slow clap.

One of the most uncomfortable feelings I have is when I go into a public bathroom in flip flops. Nothing accentuates the space between my skin and piss-soaked floor like flip flops. And if I'm in a stall and I see the feet of the person next to me and they are sandaled, I always feel the temptation (imp of the perverse) to swivel my fireman around and pee all over their bare feet. Maybe that's part of why I don’t like wearing the flip flops in the public bathrooms myself--fear of my own kind.

Do you ever feel like some bars and restaurants--especially bars--never actually wash their bathrooms? They just like pour some bleach in the toilet so it smells like it is clean, but really, it isn’t.

We were talking about Caddyshack--Lacey Underall to be specific--and a friend said, "That can't be her real name." Good times.

I think that the easiest way to whiten your teeth is to get a tan.

Here is one I love to ask people: If you were an Outsider, which one would you be? A lot of my kids actually said Johnny, which I thought was interesting (although I think he’s pulling from a cross-section because some of them said it because they are shy like Johnny while others said it because they know he knifed that douchey Soc). I figure the most common answers have got to be Sodapop (the coolest) and Ponyboy (the narrator always gets a leg up). Me, however, I always had a weak spot in my heart for Two Bit, who (and if it is more paraphrase than quote, it is cuz I haven't read it in 7+ years) "...is famous for two things. His ability to steal anything that isn’t nailed down, and his black-handled switchblade (which he wouldn’t have been able to acquire without the first talent)."

OK, I looked it up. "He was famous for shoplifting and his black-handled switchblade (which he couldn’t have acquired without his first talent)..." So, half credit?

Man, nobody ever gives me half credit. Anyways, the point is, if you feel like sharing which Outsiders character you are, feel free.

Would it be no surprise that if I most identify with Two Bit, then I also most identify with Mouth as my favorite Goonie? I figure Mouth=Two Bit. Mikey=Ponyboy. The Socs=The Fratellis. Data=Johnny? Sloth=Dally? So maybe the analogy breaks down after the first few...but there are redheaded girls in both. Think about it.

You know what the pimp move is? When you’re working on a big bag of chips (or something of that baggy nature), and as you’re getting toward the bottom half, cut a few inches off the top of the bag so that you can get at them more smoothly--think Operation-style-- so amongst other things, you don’t have to touch the edges.

"When I'm talking to a bunch of girls, it's normally because they think I'm gay."
--Chris

One of my Latina students was trying to put a little autobiographical vignette book together, and part of the assignment was to decorate the cover, and I caught her doing a Google image search for "Pretty Mexican Family." Good times...

Remember when we spent 20 minutes during dinner trying to convince Ken that those traveling mariachi bands don’t roll with a tuba? He was very impractical in his reasoning/understanding. Mmm, Republicans. And hard to take seriously with bits of food plastered all over his face.

ICE CREAM AND CAKE DO THE ICE CREAM AND CAKE ICE CREAM AND CAKE DO THE ICE CREAM AND CAKE ICE CREAM AND CAKE DO THE ICE CREAM AND CAKE ICE CREAM AND CAKE DO THE ICE CREAM AND CAKE ICE CREAM AND CAKE DO THE ICE CREAM AND CAKE ICE CREAM AND CAKE DO THE ICE CREAM AND CAKE ICE CREAM AND CAKE DO THE ICE CREAM AND CAKE ICE CREAM AND CAKE DO THE ICE CREAM AND CAKE.

I didn't even know that was a real song--I just thought it was a Baskin Robbins commercial created to drive me insane.

PS: Since some of these were written, an entire season of Bad Girls Club has come and gone, Chris got married (mazel tov!), JC has been living in Berkeley for almost 2 years now, and by the time you read this I’ve actually consumed several bags of pre-shelled pistachios. And yes, it was during Yom Kippur when I did that google search query.

by Justin

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