There may be quite a few things better than a leftovers sangy of turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, mayonnaise, and cheese, but when I am eating a sangy of turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, mayonnaise, and cheese I can't think of a single one of them.

Did that sound like a cheesy ass Carl's Jr. commercial? If so, apologies.

The other day at Costco, the woman at the register told me that I was the first person to ever accidentally give her their library card instead of their Costco card. She said she'd gotten ATM cards, licenses, school IDs, but never a library card. So I got that going for me, which is nice.

If the patch/pill are 99% effective, then shouldn’t that mean that if you did it 100 times, you'd get pregnant? I know that girls don’t get pregnant automatically just because of having sex, but still. I mean, even if 1 of every 5 forays would lead to potential pregnancy, it means you'd have to do no more than 500 times to get pregnant. That's less than 2 years of having a serious relationship and doing it just once a day... So shouldn’t people on the pill get pregnant more? Or something?

Girls: You can't really be mad at guys for looking at your boobs and pooper and stuff. If you dress to rock them then we are supposed to at least check them out (some of us being much better at "covertly" than others--and I wonder what the statistical correlation would be between those who are covert and not covert and those who know what covert means and those that don’t). That shit is a reciprocal relationship. If you dressed like guys, we would have nothing to look at, and it would be moot. So there.

You know what salts my balls? When I give someone 2 or more options/choices, and they say, "yes." Um, you can't say yes. You have to actually pick one, cock-knocker.

Developing Critical Thinking Skills: You know you reached a new plateau when you realized that chunky-to-fat chicks wear tall shoes (shoes with heels/platforms) to give themselves a stetched-out, not-so-fat-looking look.

FTR I figured that out in early college.

The other day, Ken asked me: "So what have you been doing lately? You been clubbing?"

Last week in my classroom I was getting ready to take my kids to an assembly and this one kid was trying to eat a cup of Top Ramen. He didn’t have a utensil and there were only plastic knives in the room. So the little dude was using 2 plastic knives to eat his Top Ramen and perhaps if he were a bit more cultured he would have attempted to employ the knives as surrogate chopsticks. Instead, he held a knife in each hand and was trying to bring up little pieces of noodle stuff. It was taking forever and I was stalling the class so he could finish it. Finally, watching him struggling with these 2 knives-for-hands and seeing the food keep slipping out, I said, "Hurry up Edward Scissorhands." Only one of my kids got it, but fuck all that, I was busting up.

It has been established that when you acquire quality new masturbation material, you put it in the Spank Bank, right? So the other night I realized this: I'd just made a withdrawal from the Spank Bank.

A lot of people use paper towels to open the bathroom door (public bathroom)--I do--but the thing everyone really needs to fear and respect is the little knob to the stall door. Ain't nobody washed their hand before they touched that. The other thing is--and I poo in a public place maybe like twice a year--that I don’t think pooing in a public place is a good time for chatting people up. I have seen people try to chat while they are doing that; I think that most people wanna be left alone with their public poo. I sure do.

Most commonly mispronounced words (that make me nuts): integral, in which people poorly pronounce the teg or say intergral; February, which all too many people call Febuary (it is not a silent R, that is the silliest shit I ever heard); asterisk, which is not to be confused with the made up word asterix (the plural of asterisk is still asterisks); nuclear, which suffers from people who experience a rare bone disease that forces them to pronounce an invisible second U before the L (nuculear); library, which people should definitely say correctly but sometimes refer to as libary; supposedly, which has NOT evolved into either the word supposevly or supposebly; and climactic, which people confuse with the weather and stuff (for instance things cannot be anti-climatic unless they are anti-climate. Climax=climactic and climate=climatic). For all intensive purposes, please use these words "good."

BTW: I've got the A/AN rule. If the ensuing word begins with a vowel, you use AN. If it doesn’t, you go with A. I sure felt pretty sheepish not having known that one.

Dude--it is all about brushing your teeth in the shower. There are 2 reasons for this. First, when you get in the shower, the object is to clean yourself. You soap up all over and end up clean all over. Except you don’t soap your mouth. So when you get out of the shower, you are clean all over, but your mouth might still smell and feel like ass. If you brush your teeth in the shower, it is like a total and utter (oi, udder) transformation. When you went into the shower you were unclean all over; when you stepped out after the shower, you were clean all over. It is a much better feeling. The second reason is that the shower is like one of the best places on earth to spend your time, so by brushing your teeth in the shower (morning shower, when you have a finite amount of time to prepare for your workday), you justify spending another 2-3 minutes in the shower. I rest my case.

When I was a little kid, I thought they were saying, "I arrest my case." Tricky.

I hate how when I go to the ATM to take out money, it asks me if I would rather have the money withdrawn from my Checking or Savings account. Why you gotta remind me, you piece of shit machine, that I don’t even have a Savings account? How the fuck do you not know that? Asshole.

Trivia Question: What does URL stand for?

It is called Planned Parenthood, but how many people do you think actually go there to plan their parenthood? I think that most of the people that go there seem to be planning against their parenthood, which is cool, but makes the name a bit of a misnomer, to say the least. It should be called something more like: Women: Plan To Not Be A Parent(hood).

Trivia Answer: Uniform Resource Locator, biatch.

RR, you are going to freak out. I have a new dream order from Cheesepockets. Start with an order of french fries, which I only would order Animal Style cuz the fries without the cheese, spread (no, it is not sauce, show some respect), and grilled onions are not that good (I guess I do need my fries fried twice). On top of the french fries, place a meat patty. On top of the meat patty, place cheese. On top of that, the grilled onions and spread. It would be like amalgamizing a Flying Dutchman with Animal Style french fries. I even have a name for it: Dead Animal Style French Fries. Sweeeeeeeeeeet. Now that is some shit that even I would actually need to break out the knife and fork for.

The policy is that if you don’t technically need a knife and fork for something, you are a serious wuss if you use them. For example, you aren’t supposed to eat pizza with a knife and fork; you are supposed to grab that shit and mack it (the one exemption is Piquat's Chicago Pizza, where each slice starts off at 500 degrees and 3 pounds of cheese, dough, sauce, and other assorted items). A burrito is another fine example. That shit is made explicitly so that you can pick it up. Why the fuck you need a fork and knife?

by Justin