Found this blurb on Karl Malone: Tired, he draped a leather necklace over his clavicle. A sickle-shaped fang, four inches long, dangled from the end. If one believes the stories, told with a grin, Malone wrestled it out of a wild boar, a genteel task compared to the next one (which I can only infer is wrestling with your mama).

Slowly my guitar slips out of tune=[the new] Everything that keeps my burrito together is falling apart.

Mayonnaise Trials and Tribulations, Part I: My first night at mama's pad and I wanted a late night snackypoo. I was halfway into preppin my ham and cheese sangy when I realized there was no mayo in the fridge. I immediately broke into nose sweat. I double checked the fridge. I couldn't believe it. Not like ma not to have it. Triple checked the fridge, all to no avail...Went outside to smoke a bit of a cig and decide if I still wanted the sangy. While out there, I pulled my shit together and realized to check the pantry for a fresh tub o mayo. Bingo. Giant untapped Costco-sized Best Foods. And it was on. And it was good.

Toward the end of the school year, Wednesday nights became unbearable for me. They are still pretty rough. Back then, I was left with this conundrum: study or drink? For most of the school year, Wednesday night had such a blatantly clear and obvious agenda: watch The OC. Nowadays, on Wednesday nights I feel like an abandoned bear cub who doesn’t know exactly what to do without his mommy.

It would be so cool if I knew how to use all those music programs like Garage Band and Reason.

So I've been kind of thinking about getting myself a pair of those short Magnum shorts, just to wear around the house or something. I think I really wanna be Magnum.

I been watching Magnum on the Hallmark Channel for months, biding my time, knowing that it was gonna happen. It was fate. And now I can say that I feel complete; thank you Hallmark Channel. It was funny too cuz I had just told my housemate that I was down to go out for a drink with her, but then the next episode of Magnum came on, and I knew, I fuckin knew, right off the bat, that it was that episode. Just like Rick and TC and Higgins knew that Magnum was in trouble on the 4th of July. Just like treading water for like 22 hours straight. Just like that. So I told her I couldn't go because my all-time favorite episode of Magnum was about to be on. She was pissed. But halfway through the episode, she was a believer.

Snaq quote I (recent): "But can't nobody [mess] with me. I'm like toilet paper, Pampers and toothpaste. I'm definitely proven to be effective." Um, dude, you seem to be comparing yourself to things that you use against your ass for cleaning up doodoo. Is that the vein in which you are effective? You know how players have like strength coaches and stuff like that? I think Snaq needs an analogy coach.

Snaq Quote II (also recent): "Me playing for another coach rather than Phil is like me leaving my wife and marrying a woman that looks like me--exactly like me." Hmmm, I don’t even really have a comment for this one. Sometimes, unfortunately, stupidity speaks for itself.

The other morning, I used half and half that was 8 days old. We got a whole new thing of half and half at Trader Joe's and yet when I made us evening coffee, ma told me to use the old half and half. Now I will use half and half that is that old when it doesn’t float funky and there is no alternative, but when there is a fresh guy in the fridge, I like to treat myself.

I watched Pitchblack again the other night, and there is a scene where Cole Hauer (red-headed guy) is talking to the pilot lady and yells, "Butch up. And stuff a cork in that kid." (kid=the boy-turned-out-to-be-a-girl on her period)

Trader Joe's eggplant hummus=alternative (hummus) vegetable serving.

I'm not actually all-the-way sure if this is the source (it is possible that someone actually said this to me as a joke), but I think the other night on Beavis and Butthead I heard Butthead explain to Beavis that--while talking about school and stuff--an English major is a British military officer.

A direct quote from Ms. Leage, my legitimizing teacher resource: "When my kids ask me why it's important to go to college, I tell them it's so they know when other people are making fun of them. When they give me a blank stare I make fun of them. Case and fucking point."

Why does it so often come down to laundry versus basketball? And I will tell you, every day for about a week laundry loses out to basketball. I play basketball on days that I don’t wanna play basketball just so that I don’t have to do my laundry. I only finally choose laundry over basketball when I am wearing my last clean pair of drawers* and I can't afford to go get them monkeyboy-plays-basketball-level-sweaty.

*I don’t always end up waiting that long, but it has, at times, been a legitimate issue.

Backpack contents: emergency lemonheads (sugar and/or breath), those Listerine pocket packs, some gum that I will never eat, plenty of spare change, a couple of pens, a little pad of paper, two back up AA batteries for the Discman, matches and/or a backup lighter, oftentimes a beanie* for cold defense, those little airline bottles of vodka, and a shiteload of jimmyhats.

*Beanie=the smallest, most portable, and pound for pound the most effective bang-for-your-buck, warmer upper you can have. PS FTR I actually have neither airline bottles of vodka nor jimmyhats in my backpack. But the airline bottles of vodka thing isn’t such a bad idea...Hey, where's my flask? Ahem.

I'm a bit of an overpacker (urge to fight off saying fudgepacker, wavering). That's why I like longer trips. I overpack less for longer trips. Probably everybody does this. Cuz then you are more validated for bringing lots of stuff. And you know how we all love validation.

Have you ever noticed how, when DVDs are 2-sided--with a widescreen format on one side and a full-screen format on the other--the actual labeling is reversed? The down-side of the DVD is the side that is playing, but to get the widescreen to play, you have to play the DVD with the side labeled widescreen facing up. That shit is retarded.

The 2 hottest buzz words in America these days: terrorism and carbohydrates. If terror is to oil as carbohydrate is to fat, ditch both respective formers and walk places, tubby).

If terrorism and the Atkins diet got into a fight, who do you think would win?

You know what really pisses me off? Ever since elementary school, I have hated the whole "girls secretly communicating with each other in sign language by spelling out the words." That is some shit that only girls do. Poo on that.

So it's been 13 years since Soundgarden ruled, but they still rule Bert's clapper.

PS That is not a dying banshee. That is Mr. Justin drunk, trying to sing like Chris Cornell.

PPS You know you are drunk and reminiscing when you ask Bert if he has any Temple of the Dog.

Brian was saying that there weren’t too many girls at the beer drinking fest. I was so surprised to hear that an all you can drink beer event would attract a bunch of dudes.

Old School=The Suicide. I was at Cheesepockets with Jenn and we saw a couple of kids making Suicides from the soda fountains. We reminisced about how cool we'd thought it was to do that back in the day, but how in actuality it didn’t really taste that great. That's why you don’t see adults rockin the suicide.

Some Ken anecdotes from this current trip to LA:

He told me about how when I was a little kid--about 6 or 7--when a hot chick would be walking past us, I would wait until she was up close (so she could hear) and I would start elbowing Ken (anyone who has seen a movie with me knows I throw the elbow when I get excited) and yell out, "Look at those zongas!" I'd like to think my game has matured over the years...

I went with Ken to see Anchorman, and when we got out of the movie, he said, "Christina Applegate is so feminine." I'm not exactly sure how to explain why this was so "silly" to me, but it was. Probably because that is not the word I would use to express my gratitude for Christina Applegate, or something.

BTW, best line from Anchorman: "I heard that bears can track a woman by her menstruation."

Last and most favorite Ken story from the trip: We went to Big 5 so that he could grab a new pair of walking shoes and as we were strolling into the shoe department, some lady walked up to Ken with a shoe in her hand and asked him if she could see it in a size 8. Needless to say I burst into laughter; I laughed long and hard. I think I actually scared the woman a bit. It ain't every day that your 57 year old father gets mistaken for a Big 5 shoe salesman. Good times...

Normally I don’t really crash into stuff. I'm athaletic and fairly graceful, you know? But about once a month, after a night of drinking, I wake up the next morning and I'll have a big bruise on one of my shins. And I never really remember smashing into anything the night before. What are all these really short things that I smash into from time to time anyways? Weird.

You know how we all love to say forwards, towards, and anyways? Well, technically we are wrong on those. The American English is forward, toward, and anyway. I know that I almost exclusively write forwards/towards/anyways. But the thing is, I know what the rules are. It's all about the conscious decision (and not to be confused with Brit-jocking).

by Justin