I'd like to start this Or Something off with something that I didn't actually write myself (let's be clear about this. I DID NOT WRITE THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH). I found this on the internet and have read it several times. It has brought me truckloads of joy and squeals and pointing at the computer screen each time I have read it. I hope it does the same for you. I neglected to cut and paste it before the original author removed the sentence in which he compared himself to Wonderwoman, so I must apologize for that. The author is someone that I actually went to High School with. And yes, he is a male. And you wonder why Kevin and I are hella hesitant to go to our High School Reunion:

I try to live each day with the passion it deserves. Your attention is my poison, the computer is just one of many delivery devices. I'm trying to learn to love the sun as much as I love wearing my parka. My cat, Gummy, has no teeth and coos like a pigeon. I sleep better with you by my side. Sports bores me but I could go to the ballet every night and never tire. Sometimes, I daydream of selling it all and starting fresh as a bike messenger or a chef or a vintage furniture picker. I dislike shaving, but not as much as I loathe fresh tomato. Hippies freak me out with their fire spinning, hacky sacks and stinky pits. I have a love/hate relationship with politics. Just a few hours alone on the dance floor can restore my sanity. I didn't chose filmmaking--I'm just good at it. I wear no logos, but often describe you as a demographic or my target audience. Sometimes I feel like Lisa Simpson. The party makes me laugh/The party makes me cry--but I always seem to find myself in the middle of it. Nine times out of ten I wish I was somewhere else--probably with you, but I would never tell you. There is nuthin' like a few full cans of krylon, a blunt and long afternoon. I love driving downtown listening to Alma De Barrio. I feel sexy in grandfather's hand-me-downs. I like my music epic/symphonic and my coffee cold. I support a peaceful state of Israel--I support a peaceful state of Palestine. Blenko decanters with curves like hips turn me on more than your low cut jeans and belly button rings. Traveling with an expense account is heaven. Poor or rich, I think everyone deserves to have fresh cut flowers in their home.

Related commentary: hahahahahahahahahaha. I didn't choose making fun of people--people wrote shit like this and somebody had to do it. And I got your flowers right here. PS My message to the author: Keep trying (but seriously consider not trying quite so hard); everyone gets laid eventually.

I have to tell you all about the OC art scene. I went down to see a show that RR had a piece in, in Santa Ana. One of his friends was having a separate show in which the deal was you got to go into a separate room with her and she was blindfolded in only a robe and she took off the robe and you got to touch her boobies while being videotaped, and in the main room, where all the wine and cheese were, there was a TV with a live feed. Pretty crazy.

In lieu of is a motherfucker.

When I'm home in LA sometimes I feel like there are Reality TV shows on in every room of the house (cuz unfortunately sometimes there are). That shit is maddening.

Masturbation=poor man's sex

If you are goin down anyways, get in some licks.

I didn't even mean that that way. You gutter-gushing perv.

I have a new big pimpin way to keep my room smelling nice and lovely. I grind up a bit of coffee and put it in a plastic bag and put it in my room. Voila.

I once asked Aliyya what I thought would be a rhetorical question, asking her, "What is the first thing that comes to mind when I say 'Nutella'?" I expected the answser to be "crepe" so that I could go on and prove some point, but she answered, "spoon." Salty lady.

Remember when we were kids and our parents would whip out carob chips and try to pass them off as either chocolate chips or as good as chocolate chips? That was some bullshit. I never fell for that mess. Funny thing is, I think that if carob chips weren't supposed to be taking the place of chocolate chips, they would be okay. But I don't need no fakin bacon chocolate.

You know what I love that has the greatest childhood connotations? The old school THX intro thing they would play before showing the movie (assuming the movie was in THX). Not any of that moo-can robotic wuss guy that putters around. I'm talking about the OG one, where the volume just gets louder and louder until you can scream and not be heard. I love that shit. The audience is listening.

You know what would be sweet? If people ate rabbit on Easter. Do people eat rabbit on Easter? I would.

You know what I hate? Stores that always have a sale sign out in the window. Fuck those places. You go inside and they have like the same 3 crusty old things that are like 5 years old that are marked down. Argh.

You know how many paragraphs in a row I just started with "You know?"

Who hasn't stolen a triple beam scale from the science lab when they were in high school?

The best name in baseball for like 3 years running has got to be the St. Louis Cardinals' MVP, Albert Pujols, which is of course pronounced Poo Holes. And it is great that he is a great player cuz on ESPN they will totally have Pujols updates and stuff. Just like me dude. Honorable mention goes to former outfield teammates Milton Bradley and Cocoa Crisp (I shit you not--and if it weren't for the Pujols then Cocoa would have taken the honor. It is hard to overcome someone whose name is a synonym for the dirt star).

Nothing melts the heart like a girl that calls me dude.

Tortilla chips are a questionable snack food to be made available for Presentation Days...

My favorite part of when I went to see Dave Eggers speak at Pixar with Bert was definitely when, whilst doing his slide show for his new superhero store, he said, "This is the top of the line grappling hook." Maybe you had to be there.

I'm the caramel king of the castle.

We was all kickin it and shit and Niko said that if there wasn't helium in the air, we would all have lower voices. I thought that was pretty fuckin hot (oi, get it? Like hot air balloon=helium).

Scotch eggs: Hard-boiled egg, dipped in batter and bacon, then deep-fried.

Hello there Scotch eggs.

*hard-boiled egg burp*

Is it weird that sometimes boobies remind me of the "It's a Small World" ride at Disneyland?

I met some girl who was from LA and when she asked me where in LA I was from, I said Culver City. Then this crazy bitch said, "Isn't that like the ghetto of Santa Monica?" Shiiiit.

My nights are sponsored by Ketel One and my mornings are sponsored by Advil. Talk about your resiprocal relationsips (oi, get it? I spelled it like that on purpose).

I was at the beach with Maya and I had to pee real bad so I told her I was going in the water, and she said she had to pee too but it was too cold for her, so she was just going to smoke a cigarette instead. I was like what the fuck. She explained that she reckons (in her head) that smoking cigarettes somehow absorbs the pee. Hey, whatever floats your bladderboat.

I am often a bit hesitant about movies with subtitles (it always makes me think of Beavis and Butthead, and how when something with subtitles would come on, Butthead would always say, "Damn't, if I wanted to read, I'd go to school"). Bert recommended that I check out Swimming Pool though, even though it has subtitles. I could see right off the bat why he liked it: BOOBIES. Unfortunately, about 30 minutes into the movie I realized that I could not watch the boobies and read the subtitles. Something was going to have to suffer. The plot seemed a bit overrated anyways, so I focused on, well, the boobies.

Infallible logic (not mine): She's not a whore; she goes to UNLV.

Trivia Question: What is a chilidog?

Trivia Answer: I can't tell you. Mike would kill me. Use your imagination.

Does it make me a bad person that I cheer for the US Men's Basketball team to lose? When it got to be 4th quarter against Puerto Rico, all I could think was, "Hang in there you Puerto Ricans." The 92 Dream Team was worth watching--the best basketball team ever assembled and shit. But since then, it has been a fucking joke. I'd rather watch college kids play their hearts out and lose (and be able to cheer for them) than watch a bunch of millionaire shoot-first point guards and no shot having small forwards sulk and whine (and, as it turns out, lose).

By: Justin