I have a new dream. They say that your first year of full time teaching is your hardest, and you learn as you go, and it becomes a bit easier every year. I think I have come up with a plan that will make all of my ensuing years sooooo much easier. I need to get an extra credential to teach PE. Then I need to have like 2 PE classes. I figure that with 5 English classes I have a minimum of 15 hours of grading, on average, a week. If I taught 2 periods of PE, that would remove 6 hours of my grading a week. 6 hours of my life given back to me. In fact, I don’t even know for sure why we have separate PE teachers. Every teacher at a high school should have the option of just signing up for teaching 2 PE classes as a way to relieve some of their grading workload. Brilliant, eh?

You know how pearls are supposed to be a good, beautiful thing? Well not to the oyster that made them. To the oyster, they are an irritant--a literal sandy vagina. I think this makes calling people pearls an outstanding metaphor in the backhanded compliment way of compliments.

Is it weird to tell a casual friend that you sometimes masturbate to them? Would that make them uncomfortable? Would they take it as a compliment? Would they tell you that they masturbate to you too and then you both tear off each other's clothes and have sex? Damn, I am masturbating again...

Emailing with my kids is great except for that I feel like I am supposed to model good writing so I don’t write in all lower case and without apostrophes and stuff.

It was "Crazy Day" at my high school (students dressed up "crazy"), but since all the girls dress so scandalously all the time, I found that the only way that I could tell which girls were dressed up for "Crazy Day" were the girls who were also wearing butterfly wings. Good times...

Congratulations to my high school football team for their first "not loss" of the season; last weekend they tied. When I started at my school, the other teachers warned me that the football team wasn’t very good, but they did preface it with the fact that we have not only the nicest football team in the bay area, we also have the smartest.

Cougars.

I think that the new guy from The O.C., the one who goes to Marissa's new school and who she undoubtedly will have to confront sexual feelings for eventually, totally looks like that kid Kelly from the original Bad News Bears movie. At least that is what I think his name is. PS I told one of my students that he sort of looked like the Kelly-guy on The O.C. and two days later he came to school with a serious haircut. See, I am helping kids left and right.

You know what is awesome to have when you have a cold? Those 29 cent Kleenex Tissue Pocket Packs. They are like a snotty (anti-snotty, actually) security blanket (oi, get it?). Plus, if you just stick regular tissues in your pockets, then when it rolls around to laundry time you have to remember that you had a cold during the last laundry cycle and fish through all your pockets for random tissues, cuz if any of those get past your censors, you're fucked.

J.C. just bought Major League on DVD and I just watched it. My big question is, was Major League the impetus for the awful phenomenon that is "Blaring-cheesy-theme-music-for-every-baseball-player-before-they-are-about-to-hit/pitch/scratch-their-balls"? Wild Thing Ricky Vaughn style...

I was watching Pump up the Volume with my seniors last week and it occurred to me that all of Happy Harry Hard-On's fans could have stopped those yellow FCC trucks from driving around and triangulating his location. You may recall that the FCC trucks started off at the same high school field where all the high school kids gathered to listen (they were partying up there)? Well, the students could have easily gotten together and slashed the tires of the FCC trucks so that when they tried to drive away when Harry started broadcasting, they wouldn’t have been able to. Damn I'm good.

PS In case you are concerned, you will be happy to know that Mr. Justin very responsibly held up a manila folder over the screen to block out the scenes when Harry's girlfriend girl took off her shirt in his backyard, thus negating the nudity factor. Though my kids did not like it, I felt that it was the right thing to do. *Very responsible*

When you see those giant electronic speed signs on the road--that are usually anchored to the back of a police SUV (which is unattended) that register your miles per hour--don’t they make you wanna just speed up and see how fast you can clock yourself? Me too. Like the scoreboard of a videogame or something. When your score flashes red instead of the regular yellow, that means you are really doing your damn thing.

Is it me or did Missy, I Mean Mom's motel room that she is staying in since Caleb's mansion got repossessed look exactly like the motel that Missy (I Mean Mom) went to in order to get the porn tape of herself back from her ex-boyfriend?

I love vegetables, and I like them a lot (except for cauliflower and mushrooms), and I will eat them and I eat them, but the biggest problem why I don’t eat them more often is cuz I don’t have them at the house cuz they are harder to buy and when I buy them I always forget to eat them and they sit there in the fridge and they go bad. (that was meant to be read in one breath) Thank you.

My favorite new infomercial (thank god for the voice memo):

"Is your pet a peeing machine? Leaving behind that awkward urine smell that never goes away? When you want it gone, there's Urine Gone. The new odor and stain eliminator with powerful enzyme action. This litterbox may look clean, but because of invisible cat urine, it still smells. A few sprays of Urine Gone, and the odor is gone. * Urine Gone has powerful enzymes that have an appetite for urine. They find it, break it down, and digest it completely away...call now and get enough Urine Gone to clean your entire house...Order now and we will supersize your Urine Gone order! Twice as much for free! We will also include this scientific blacklight stain detector [piss locator]."

PS Visually speaking, in addition to showing the litterbox and random places in the house, they also use the "scientific blacklight" on the regular toilet, showing that it too is covered with the dreaded "invisible pee." And I would guess that one can't be blamed on the cat. RR?

Do you think it is dangerous to eat the blessed Walnut Prawns as leftovers if they sat out all night on the living room table before finally getting put in the fridge in the AM? I feel like shrimp is a volatile type of thing you wouldn’t wanna fuck with, but hot damn those Walnut Prawns go the grouse.

PS I ate them later and they were fine.

Reason #2 why I hate the Giants (reason #1=they suck): They fucked up my O.C. watching. You see, the Giants are shown on channel 2, which is The O.C.'s channel. TIVO was programmed to take care of The O.C. for me. I sat down at 8:10 to watch it (giving a little head start against the commercials), and The O.C. wasn’t on my now playing list. The Giants game salted my balls and I had to turn to channel 36 to watch The O.C., already 10 minutes in progress. Fucking Giants. It's not like they are gonna make the playoffs or anything, so who cares.

She's got those Bones Brigade videos
She knows them back and forth
She's slept with so many skaters.
--The Hold Steady

I think that dollar chow mein is >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> fancy chow mein. It might be because of childhood connotations, but I don’t want a pile of fancy sautéed vegetables in my chow mein. I want little pieces of standard vegetables, a bit of meat, and some god damn MSG. When I was a kid, Chinese food was all about the dollar place for my family. While I still love me some cheap chow mein, I can no longer eat sweet and sour anything. Ick.

I was just sitting around drinking at home, waiting to go out drinking, surfing the net, and I found this picture. Can you recognize the guy or sing one of his 63 theme songs?

by Justin
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