I know that I'm smart cuz it's so easy to make fun of dumb people. It's more a hobby than a sport, really...Or is it a pastime?

Trivia Question: What is Chunk's real name (Goonies, duh)?

Not that I watch the show--I just saw a commercial for it and it made me think of this--but do you think the America's Most Wanted actors get dimes dropped on them a lot when they are walking around on the street? You know how they reenact the crimes that have been committed and stuff? Well they are simulations, with actors. Wouldn’t people totally call the police when they saw the actors? Still probably beats getting recognized for being the actor in a herpes commercial (look, with this medicine I can go horse-back riding with only minimal discomfort).

Trivia Answer: Lawrence. It is said at least twice. The first time is when Chunk introduces himself to Sloth. The second is when Chunk is calling the sheriff from the Fratellis' basement.

Trivia Bonus Question (even harder): What is Mouth's real name?

So they are up to what now, 4 razor blades on a man's razor? I tried the 3 blades kind years ago and wasn’t impressed. But now they are just ridiculously trying to outdo each other. Next up, 5 blades. I can't wait. And no, it isn’t a logical progression. If anything, it reminds me of how all the rage was 7-minute abs and then some genius came up with 6-minute abs and revolutionized the whole scene. God, people are so dumb.

Fortunately I am here to make fun of them.

Trivia Bonus Answer: Clark (I think it is only said once, by Mikey's mom).

Makes me wonder: Does Data even have a real name?

You know what sucks? When the olives in my martinis have pits. That's the pits (give me my nickel). I feel like some weirdo gnawing on an olive on a toothpick like it was corn on the cob or some shit. And nothing sucks worse than unassumingly finding out (that the olive has a pit) the hard way.

Normally when I have cereal, I am a milk minimalist. I feel like a failure if there is a lot of milk left in the bowl after the cereal is gone (like a bad estimator). And I don’t drink that milk. I dump it. The one obvious and bigtime exception is Reese's cereal. I still don’t want a ton of milk left over (cuz it will dilute the goodness), but there is no way I'm gonna go and pour out chocolate-peanut butter flavored milk. Who the fuck would do that? Crazy fuckers.

The dogs brought a bone in with a ransom note wrapped around it. Magnum was all upset and he said to Higgins, "Great. The dogs wiped away any chance of getting a fingerprint." Higgins earnestly responded (cue British accent): "Magnum, I assure you the lads had no intention of subverting justice."

Later, same episode, Magnum said: "I never believed in animals having feelings. I think that it is oversensitive, unscientific, and takes the joy out of a chiliburger." Magnum PI, straight shooter. Sigh. The things you could get away with in the 80s.

And for the record, there is no apostrophe when citing a decade (unless, of course, you are assigning possession).

You know what I love? Boobies. Besides that though? I love when you buy a new houseplant (I heart houseplants) and it comes with one of those cards stuck into the soil that has the name of the plant and the care instructions. The whole "how much light the plant needs" thing can't be underestimated as pertinent knowledge. It makes me feel like I am making a much more educated decision when deciding where the plant will live.

I was talking with Jenn and she was talking about opening her own bookstore one day, and she was all saying that she would serve tea at her bookstore. I said that you gotta serve coffee; tea is for pussies. She was all, "But pussies read books."

I am no big fan of classic rock. This is fact. But one thing I really really really just don’t get is Pink Floyd. Granted I have heard very, very little Pink Floyd in my life, but what I have heard sucked balls. It didn’t even rock or nothing. Whiny too. Cheeseballs. And not the good kind.

The one kind of apple product that I do whore out for is the blessed apple fritter. A nice big fat fucking 3 pound mammoth; the king of the donut family (at least if being judged by weight). The thing that turns an apple fritter from a yummy treat to a sexy culinary delight is...the microwave. As with the croissant, 10-20 seconds in the microwave activates all the grease and butter. The microwave is like a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation (I actually spelled that right on the first try. I rule) for apple fritters and croissants. Of course if you eat too many apple fritters and croissants, you might need mouth-to-mouth resuscitation yourself.

I am such a good housemate to female housemates. I always leave the toilet seat down when I am done peeing. The only thing is that I am so well-trained that if my housemates are gone, it takes me several pees before I remember/recondition that I don’t have to put the seat down when I am done. It is nice to not have to touch the seat...And I will say this: I put the lid down too, cuz I will be a gentleman and put the seat down, but I will be damned if I am the only one who has to touch the toilet just cuz I am a guy.

Speaking of the whole training myself to not put the seat back down, nowhere is this more relevant than in LA at my mama's house. She has her own bathroom so she's all good. The thing is, though, that I sometimes put the seat back down by default. I share the other bathroom with RR, who you would think was raised by wild dogs. He doesn’t do any seat adjustments. Dude just pees. Regardless of whether the seat is up or down, dude just don’t care. Nasty. Then when I have to go to the bathroom to do my "sitting" work, I have to wash off the seat before I can sit down. Which can be quite problematic if I am "crowning."

God, every time I say or think of "crowning" (which is quite often, actually), I wanna give Bert a big thanks and a hug for introducing me to the term. Shit has changed my life, man (oi, get it).

I don’t know what exactly this means, but I had a voice memo to myself from a night out drinking that said "The thirteen colonies=Thirteen burgers." Um, good times...

The other voice memo that went with that (which also makes not-so-much sense now): "Wherever you go=beef juice."

Jenn made a great analogy when she called "chunk" style tuna the "hot dog" of the sea.

You know the Star Spangled Banner thing? I got a question about the lyrics. The whole "The bombs bursting in air" part? What bombs? I could be wrong, but I didn’t think that there were bombs in the 1700s. Am I wrong? Cannons don’t=bombs, right? Can someone help me out here? Do they mean fireworks?

Have you ever noticed how in (seemingly, if not literally) every movie that involves a boyfriend-girlfriend and one of them is leaving/moving away, it is always the girl that is leaving? What is up with that? Girls. So salty.

Ever notice how some people say bat your eyes? You don’t actually bat your eyes. As it is, it is a big enough stretch to say bat your eyelashes, since I don’t ever hear anybody batting anything else in the way that people bat their eyelashes. Whatever.

Remember how there was a time when having piercings made you alternative? I feel like nowadays you are sort of alternative if you don't have any piercings.

Speaking of, what's up with fat chicks with pierced belly buttons? I mean, that's cool or something, but it would be way cooler if I didn’t know about it, if you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean?

Ah shit, I just mean it would be cooler if I didn’t have to see fat chicks' bellies, and I think their piercing their belly buttons encourages them to show off their belly areas.

Nothing makes me giddier than when I am at a nice restaurant and after the entrees have been taken away (finished), the server comes through with a table comb and sweeps up all the mess. I feel like it is a throwback to my childhood vacuum cleaner fetish or something.

Ever notice how, on the internet, they have pop-up ads for pop-up blocking software? Oh sweet irony.

Brian just told me about a chile relleno burrito at El Farolito. That's some new shit right there. He said that they take a whole chile relleno and they chop it up and disperse it throughout the burrito. I'm not even sure what to say about that.

By: Justin