I don’t think I ever told you about my bladder theory. The theory is that males are better able--scientifically--to empty their bladders than women. This is why, on average, women have to use the bathroom more often than men. Here's the theory: when women go pee--unless they are in the shower--they are either sitting down or (occasionally) hovercrafting. Regardless, they are in a sittingesqe position. When men pee--non-European men, that is--they pee standing up. So because the bladder is all straightened out, it can be drained all-the-way. A woman can't drain her bladder all the way cuz it is folded over or something at the bottom due to their seating position. I've noticed this cuz when I pee when I'm going #2, I always notice that afterwards I feel like I could still pee a lil tiny baby bit more. Just think about it. Dudes can test this easier than girls, but girls can test it via the shower pee.

It is well-documented that I don’t like apple pie. The only way I can eat that shit is with a big fat slab of cheddar cheese on top of it (thanks to Bert for showing me the way). I was talking with Amber about it and she said that when she was a kid they would have apple pie for breakfast sometimes, and that her mom would put cheese on top of the pie so that they would get their protein. That's fucking hot.

Stupid things can be funny but it doesn’t make the people that say stupid things funny.

You know what sound always makes me smile? The sound of someone dropping the soap in the shower. It is such a distinctive sound, and you can hear it from pretty far when a housemate (or whoever) is taking a shower. It just never ceases to make me think about...and it makes me giggly. Once again, thank god for simple pleasures.

My Tech-9 and My Toothbrush: I don’t know how this pairing got into my head, but I really enjoy the sound and imagery of it. I am thinking maybe I will save it to be the title of my autobiography.

Newspaper print is antiseptic. In this book I read, this woman goes for an illegal abortion in a hotel room and the room is covered in newspaper cuz it is antiseptic and stuff. Good to know. And newspaper always seems so dirty. Maybe that's why homeless people use newspaper for sleeping.

How much would it suck if you were famous for being David Silver's father? He was on the season premiere of One Tree Hill...

Dudes say things to other dudes (e.g., dudes that you see regularly but don’t know), casually, in passing, like: "that's it" and "there you go" and "just like that" and "I heard that" and stuff. It's kinda cool. Or something. Do girls say stuff like that to each other? Doesn’t seem like it, but what do I know? PS If you are a girl reading this and it makes no sense to you, I rest my case.

I think that it is way less perverted to like to slap somebody in the ass than to like to get slapped in the ass. This extends through the domain of all pain giving/receiving ventures.

A mile a minute. You know that phrase? That doesn’t make all that much sense to me the way it is used. A mile a minute=60 miles per hour. Big fucking deal. That shit is slow on the freeway. I hate the fucking fucker that is just going 60 miles per hour on the freeway. BTW, MPH is short for miles per hour folks, not miles an hour. Jeez.

Ice issues: the other night I wanted to make myself a little cocktail. I went to the freezer to get some ice, and there was none left. Sad panda. I looked out into the living room and both of my housemates were sitting there. Abby was drinking some sort of iced ginger ale thing. Megan appeared to have a real drink. Not that I was jonesing or nothing, but I asked Megan if I could have a sip of her drink. She said I could, but that it was not an alcoholic drink. Now that is fucking weaksauce. My housemates use all the last of the house ice and neither one of those wussies were even having a real drink. I got real frustrated and decided I needed to count to 10 before saying anything for fear of going postal.

Which reminds me...once, I opened my fridge and one of my housemates had wrapped a vodka tonic that was almost full with saran wrap and had it sitting in there. That, my friend, is some silly shit. Drink the fuck up. My bubby used to have half-empty cans of 7-Ups in her fridge that would be covered with styrofoam cups but that is a different story cuz A) they were nonalcoholic and B) she was really old.

Boobs you've touched, touching each other...sigh.

You know how you can buy jeans that are brand new but are pre-torn (can/could?) or have that pre-worn look? What if they sold designer wife-beaters that were brand new but with authentic old-fat-man stains already on them? People are so dumb, I wonder if they would buy them. Hmmm.

"I doubt her. Why shouldn’t she doubt herself." Amber

Jenn was all: "You're a good communicator. You're very sensitive and talky..." As I was about to say thank you, she was all, "...you're very feminine." Kinda cheapened the compliment, you know?

Donut holes should really be called donut balls, don’t you think? Ain't no holes in donut holes.

"If you think that was degrading, wait til I come in your face." -Mr. Justin

How fucking feminine was that Jenn?

Nothing makes me smile like a dude in a short jacket. I believe the term is "cropped" but I ain't sure. Double points if it is a short leather jacket.

Being a chosen one is a cross to bear. Oi, get it?

The freezer at my house never worked all that well. In the last month or so the refrigerator has likewise taken a turn for the worse. I bugged my landlords for like a week straight to get it checked out. Of course they just came and looked at it themselves (when they finally came). Then they had their translator* call to say that the landlords figured out why the refrigerator wasn’t working. She (translator) actually left a message on my machine saying that the fridge wasn’t working because there was too much food in it. Revolutionary idea--load the fridge up with food. I know; I'm a crazy man.

*Irony of ironies: my landlords' translator doesn’t speak English any better than my landlords. Good times.

Ghosts in my house (ones with bad taste): I have the Dodgers Giants game on TV in the background as I write this and all of a sudden I hear this annoying voice. And it don’t stop. I lean over to look at the TV (I told you, it was just for the background of it), and somehow the Reba show was on (whatever that shit is called). So I start cursing and stuff in case one of my housemates did it, but there is nobody around. Weird. I changed the channel back to the game and got back to my drink/writing. You know I'm a share bear.

Sharing is caring.

We were talking about how many students would go to my students' ideal school and this girl said: "Nine thousand seventeen hundred." I was all, "Also known as "ten thousand seven hundred." Good times.

Other entertaining high school moment: one of my kids actually asked me how to spell "intelligent." My reply: "How do you spell 'irony.'"

If you are going to run out of ice, you might as well run out of lime too (at the same time).

This is a very ice-oriented column. But hey, ice comes from water. And you should know how passionate I am about water.

"I'm gonna make a your ass popsicle out of my dick." -Confucius

The big guy that guy/bad guy from The Golden Child that sling shoots (shots?) rocks at the Golden Child while he is in that little cage is like a low budget Sloth. I haven’t looked it up yet, but I would wager that he has appeared as an extra/bad guy/muscle on at least one episode each of Magnum and Knight Rider. His name is Randall "Tex" Cobb.

The Falling Down Mentality=1) When you feel like you are about to snap (like in the movie). Like when goddamn pussies use all the ice at your house for nonalcoholic beverages. 2) The outfit that Michael Douglass wears in the movie for which the mentality is named--i.e. the short-sleeve button down shirt tucked into slacks with a tie. An awesome look--in an incredibly creepy sort of way--that, at best, one can hope to pull off in a creepy way (instead of just a Poindexter sort of way).

You're Bone's Got a Little Machine=?

Is that a penis thing?

By: Justin