In a major upset, Nathan had the best line of the last episode on One Tree Hill. He said, "It doesn’t matter where you are. You turn the lights out and it's all the same darkness."

Everywhere I look there's a darkness, darkness.

It took RR all of 2 hours to get his first good one in. He was playing Mike Tyson's Punch Out on his PDA all hella quiet and focused; truth be told he wasn’t much a part of the conversation between Sage and me. After not talking for like 15 minutes, he uttered, "Good night King Hippo." Good times.

Dude, Kwame Brown might have scored some points in some of the preseason games or something, but in the games I've watched him in, he has suuuuuuuuuuucked. Dude has no game. He is buff as fuck though.

Oh what, no OC on this week? No problem. I will just watch The Lakers preseason game on NBATV with no commercials cuz of my TIVO and mack my sausage half-pan cuz I am the man.

"Without justification for action, the action will always prove to be unnecessary."
--One of my 9th graders

Damn I wish I had written that. Although I might modify the finality of the statement, I am quite down with the general sentiment.

Conundrum: Is it bad to take a lime off of someone's front yard lime tree? Assuming that it has a bunch of limes on it and stuff...I mean what are they gonna do with all those limes, make limeade? Cuz just 1 would afford me much comfort via multiple vodka tonics.

Weird, limeade is a word. Is that a sign from god that maybe they would make limeade?

So you know that I am the guy who hates the people who use exclamation marks and punctuation happy faces and stuff. But I must admit, when I am grading kids' homework and essays, I dole out exclamation marks like they are going out of style. GOOD JOB! EXCELLENT! And sometimes I love a little underlining and a well placed YES! Good times.

*Hypocrite*

But for a noble cause.

More evidence that English class is superior: It is the only class in the core curriculum of any school that is capitalized. Boo ya.

You know who I always thought were suckers when we played Truth or Dare back in the day? The people who said "Truth." Screw that. Hmmm, tell a really embarrassing personal story about myself or get dared to kiss Darian Hall? Even in middle school I could tell who the dumb people were.

The best is when a girl is so shiksa that she doesn’t even know that she is a shiksa. Although my grandmother would disagree.

Hey Bri G, you down to go in on that "Best of the 80s Power Ballads" multi-disc CD set, of which I just saw a rather seductive one minute thirty second commercial? Featuring all the hits.

After several drinks on Friday night the discussion turned to one of our favorite bands, Owls. We were talking about how annoying it was that some other band decided to call themselves The Owls. Bert was all riled up and he said, "Damn. Why give themselves a name that basically already exists. They could be The anything. There is a dictionary's worth of possibilities. Shit, they could even be called The Anything."

Have I ever told you about how the toilet seat at my house is black? The reason why this is so particularly noteworthy is because the black toilet seat shows butt sweat on them. It is really funny and stuff, and also uncool, but whenever I see the butt sweat print on the back after I get up, it always makes me think of fingerprints. Except that they are buttcheek prints. Good times...

Telling my students that I have a website may have been a mistake. I was trying to introduce a future unit of web writing, which will be great because it will allow them to have a more authentic writing assignment with an audience other than just the teacher, but they sure honed in on the fact that I have a website. I explained that the content was inappropriate for them, and that I couldn’t tell them the URL. A bunch of them were all, "I'm gonna go home and find it tonight." I thought that I managed to dissuade them when I said, "You're a loser if you have nothing better to do at night than search for your teacher's website." But the other day one of my students called me "Mr. Justin," which made my nose sweat. Um, I hope it was just a creative coincidence.

Cougars

Speaking of classroom entertainment, I would like you to know that I won the text messaging contest with my 5th period seniors. To think that they really thought they had a chance. Although I must admit that the second place finisher did indeed give me a run for my money. But I showed them. And yes, they got to hear my theme song.

You're the best, around...no one's gonna ever put you down...

The next day I raced with my freshmen, and I annihilated them. They didn’t even come close. Yeah, I know how to use technology in the classroom.

And there are these book cover/posters in the library that have The OC on one side and The Family Guy on the other. So I grabbed a few and put one of The OC up on my bulletin board. I leave my classroom for 3rd period because I don’t have a class and another teacher uses it for her class. For the last week and a half, after every 3rd period, The OC poster was flipped to The Family Guy side. Screw that. Not only do I not watch The Family Guy, but I will be damned if I gotta look at some guy that looks like he's got a ballsack attached to his chin (chin-nuts) while I am trying to facilitate learning. So I always flip it back to The OC. Then they flip it back again. Last Wednesday I decided to staple it to the board so that it could not be easily flipped, and the little 3rd period expletives actually tore it when they took out the staples and flipped it over. This was war. In my 6th period, I sent 2 of my most loyal fellow OC fans down to the library to retrieve a big stack of The OC book cover/posters and we spent the last 10 minutes of class COVERING the room with OC posters. There must be 25 of them up in my room now, all high up in hard-to-reach places, and stapled too. Then, the next day, I hung out after 2nd period, as the 3rd period class was piling in, and listened to all their groans as they saw my handiwork. FACE.

I am not the English teacher with whom to fuck.

Not since the whole high school drinking-after-donating-blood have I come up with such simplistic brilliance as breaking the Yom Kippur fast with several alcoholic beverages before actually eating. *Cheap Date*

I am going to forsake the That Guy of the Week portion of the column for a little while. Instead, I will bring you the "Jenn's-Mom's-So-God-Damn-Cheap-You-Wouldn’t-Believe-The-Shit-That-Happened-To-Her-When-She-Was-A-Kid" blurb of the week."

When JC was a kid, her mother used to make a single can of tuna--a regular-sized can mind you, not one of those big jumbo econo-cans--last for her and her brother for 5 days' worth of lunch sangys. That is 10 sangys from one can. For me, one can=one lunch. A sangy to a sangy-and-a-half (depending on bread size). Can you imagine how much mayonnaise she must have put into those god damn sangys to make them stretch out that much? Ew (and I heart mayo). And how bready they would be? I have probably asked her like 30 times since she first told me this story (about a year ago) if it is really true. Sometimes randomly I will just be like, "Hey JC. Remember how you told me about how your mom made a can of tuna last so long? Is it true?" She always says yes.

by Justin
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