Hey Benzo, I know it is short notice and all, but they are having a Harry Potter dress up day at my high school next week. I just thought that you might wanna come up for it.
PS Did you know that the last time I was in LA and hanging out with Benzo, I wanted to watch First Blood, but he somehow suckered me into watching a Harry Potter movie? And it sucked.

Saying something is the new something is the old something. Or something.

It's that worst time of year again. Housemate hunting time. Ug. The person that just left actually stopped to answer her phone in the middle of the 30 second house tour. I knew I should have just slammed the door on her when she was approaching and I recognized that she was wearing a fucking pooka shell necklace. Weaksauce. Turns out she is a life coach. She wasn’t exactly sure what that means either.

I've never lived with someone who was straight up ugly. I know it sounds shallow, but I think I would not like it. Especially if they are ugly when they are all-the-way awake and out and about, imagine how ugly they must look when they first wake up in the morning.
PS This is not to say that I haven't lived with unattractive people. You can be unattractive without being ugly.

And then I interviewed 2 consecutive lip smackers. Or whatever it is that those people smack when they are talking. It's really more of a clicking/clucking sound. I fucking hate that noise. And I am still guessing that they don’t even know that they do it. They must not, right? Cuz if they knew, wouldn’t they make a conscious effort to stop? See a linguist or something?

I just interviewed a girl from New Zealand, who works for the consulate and doesn’t have to pay taxes and doesn’t have a social security number. She was cool and nice and stuff, but the whole time she was talking, all I could think was, "I wonder if she has diplomatic immunity?"

The new official funniest thing at school this year is watching the contingency of kids who walk around on their heels cuz they don't want to put crease marks on their 65 dollar Nike Dunks. Dork alert. Wouldn’t you rather crease your shoes, but walk around with some dignity?

My freshmen class was going to have a Pictionary day as a review for the next day's vocabulary test. One of my students asked me how Pictionary would help him to remember the words on the vocabulary test. I said, "Well what if I drew a giant Super Star Destroyer on the board?" He said, "I would look at my notes and guess 'imperious.'" I said, "Then when you are taking the test tomorrow and you get to imperious, perhaps you will forget what it means, but then you will remember the Super Star Destroyer and remember the connection between that and the word imperious, which also sounds like 'Imperial Forces' (the evil galactic Empire) and is basically powerful, and you will get it right. Schema." He said, "Don't you mean 'face.'" I said, "Didn't I just activate prior knowledge?" He said, "Yeah." Then I said, "Face." Sweet.

My freshmen finished Of Mice and Men at basically the same time as my sophomores finished Lord of the Flies, so each class watched their respective filmic versions at the same time. All I could think about was the eerie connection between the two films. In Of Mice and Men, Curley was played by Casey Siemaszko, who starred in Young Guns. In Lord of the Flies, Ralph was played by Balthazar Ghetty, who starred in Young Guns II. How fucking crazy is that? The 6 degrees of Young Guns.

Reason number 562 why I love Bert: We were hanging out at the Rhino Lounge and this cute girl was talking to Bert and she mentioned that she loves Grandaddy like 18 times and she obviously was trying to encourage him to make her some CDs, and she said, "I can make you a Blonde Redhead CD." Instead of pacifyingly saying, "Sure" Bert said, "Yeah, I think I have all the Blonde Readhead that I need." Don’t we all...

From the "Things We Hate" section of one of my student's zine:
"Skinny 15-year-old guys that wear XXXXXXXXXXXL shirts--you're going to end up obese one of these days, and fit those impossibly large shirts."

FTR: There is a group of like 6 kids at my high school that are waaaaaaaaaaaaay goofily overboard on the whole oversized clothes thing. Hey dudes, you are not hard.
PS My freshmen call them the penguins. Personally, I heart watching them walk up the stairs.

The same student also wrote:
People who wait until marriage to have sex--now I understand why you get married so young.

The worst, most embarrassingly awful episode of One Tree Hill ever. The one bright spot: Dan put superglue on Deb's phone, called her in the middle of the night (waking her up), stalled her on the phone til the glue dried, then blew an airhorn into the phone. Good times.

I read on the internet that after the NBA instituted a dress code, Marcus Camby, who makes like 8 million dollars a year playing 30 minutes a night at center for the Nuggets, demanded a clothing stipend. And I used to like you, Marcus. You maggot. You make 8 million a year, and you have to go out shopping for clothes that aren’t ghetto-fabulous? Who has that much money and doesn't have a few button down shirts in their closet? The dress code doesn't even require suits for fuck's sake. I am currently considering asking my school district for a clothing stipend. I will keep you posted.

On the bright side, his former teammate Latrell Sprewell, lover/defender of dogs who try to eat his own children and of the "Do you expect me to feed my family on this insulting 8 million dollars a year contract offer" fame is still not even on an NBA roster this year. OUTSTANDING! And if he does ever sign with someone (the Nuggets could actually use him, but don’t appear interested. I wonder why? *rhetorical*), it will be for a lot less than 8 million per. Choke on that, baby.

Oi, get it?

PS I just laughed out loud, having heard a press release from Spree's agent (on the news) saying something to the effect of: "Latrell would be very interested in joining the Hawks and providing them with some veteran leadership." Um, what kind of veteran leadership would that be? The kind that threatens to not play hard for his team unless he gets a contract extension? The kind that asks, "What has this team ever done for me?" Or the kind that just says fuck all and chokes his coach? If I had a young team, the last thing on earth I would want is Spree on that team. But it is really funny to me that Spree is so desperate that he is begging the fucking Atlanta Hawks for a contract.

I like croissant sangys, and JC had a foccaica burger the other night with me. It got me thinking, how about a croissant burger? Or do they already have that at some place like Jack in the Box?

That was quick (from the LA Times): "Trouble loomed when O'Neal came in at 340 (Miami officials hinted) or (way) more. Sure enough, he started slowly (30 points, 12 rebounds in two games) before spraining his right ankle, putting him out two to four weeks. The Heat had enough issues with suggestions O'Neal wants Pat Riley to replace Stan Van Gundy and Jason Williams and Antoine Walker dominating the ball that used to belong to Dwyane Wade. Now there's the old Shaq Spiral: He's heavy, gets hurt, can't practice and can't get the weight off…. On the bright side, eight of Miami's next 11 are at home and two of the road games are at Toronto and Orlando. On the dark side pending resolution of its issues, including the question of what Shaq has left at 33, going on 40, is everything else."

"The stronger you make the drink, the longer the mixer will last."
--Confucius

OK, I think I have officially begun to not be annoyed by Marissa. How weird is that?
PS The best part of last week's OC, which was the best episode I have seen in a loooooooooooooong time, was Seth at the end--coming up with alternative professions for Ryan--saying "Ryan Atwood, professional fluffer" and none of the rest of them getting it. Good times...
PPS Since another episode has gone by since I wrote the above blurb, I am already officially sick of Marissa again.

I went for sushi the other night and I overheard the guy at the next table, who was wearing the old school fold over turtleneck sweater with awful horizontal stripes, actually ask the waitress for low sodium soy sauce. I started to giggle, and then I heard the girl he was with say, "That is the most metrosexual thing I have ever heard" (then I giggled more). And she let him off a lot easier than I would have...Good times...

by Justin
If you want to be added to the mailing list for future columns or if you wanna give me a piece of your mind, hit the link above or email me at justin@cheesepockets.com