Things That Irk Me, Volume 246: People--way more girls than boys--that kiss people hello when they see them. It is one thing to kiss someone you are really real friends with, but I get a little creeped out sometimes when I see people kiss people that they barely even know (again, way more girls than boys, although they are sometimes kissing boys they don’t really know so there is the counter argument. But what guy is not gonna wanna kiss a hot chick?). Either way, that shit is kinda cheesy. What are we, in fucking Europe?

Two weeks ago on One Tree Hill, as part of "Dare Night," Luke took a bunch of change out of a fountain (the kind where people make a wish and throw their change into) as part of a dare. To start off this past week's episode, over a Luke voiceover (you got me monologing again) at the beginning of the show, he emptied all the change (read wishes) that he took (the week before) back into the fountain. I thought that was really cute.

This is my dream, my wish. But it didn’t come true. So I'm taking it back. I'm taking them all back...

Did you know that sliced bread has only been around since 1928? That is some crazy shit. Fools were still savages in the early 20th century when it came to the whole sandwich-making scene, I guess... Plus the whole "greatest thing since sliced bread" doesn’t carry quite as much historical weight as I thought.

So if you have a girlfriend/boyfriend and they make a new friend of the opposite sex (excluding homosexuals for this spiel) and they describe them as attractive, you might feel threatened. Is it any consolation if, when you meet the new friend, they are funny looking? My initial instinct is to say, "Fuck yeah." But then you gotta go back and think about it. If your BF/GF describes their new friend as attractive but they are really funny looking, and your BF/GF also thinks you are attractive, what does that say about you? Life is very complex.

I was going to go out to a party with Chris but I had to wait for him to play in a soccer game first. On his way home from soccer, he called to say that he would be ready to go to the party in 15 minutes. But he said he wasn’t even home yet. So I asked him if he was going to be taking a shower before picking me up or what? He was all, "Oh yeah. I have to. I'm totally covered in man-juice." Hahahahahaha, and overshare.

Chris redeemed himself later: We were at Rafi's party later that night and the 3 of us were on the roof having a cigarette and we saw this girl across the way, through her window, naked. She was like looking for an outfit or something. We were are "pulling" for a fashion crisis, if you can pardon the pun. Chris said, "This is something to put in the Spank Bank. Good times.

As you may have heard and as I prophecized, Snaq has indeed lost a bunch of weight as part of his "A 25 Million dollar a year salary from The Lakers isn’t enough to motivate me to not get fatter every year." He has, in fact, lost 30 pounds (*allegedly). As part of his diet, he had to fire his personal chef, Thomas (ironic that to go on a diet, one fires their personal chef instead of hiring one, but whatever...don’t wanna screw up my story here). But don’t feel bad for Thomas. In addition to a decent severance package from Snaq, I hear he was able to get his old chef job back at Denny's.

*I'm sure Snaq is still at least sort of chunky cuz in all the pictures I've seen of him, he is flexing his arms but keeps his jersey on. AKA he still gots some hunk of body fat. Cuz you know his ham-ass would be posing shirtless if it wasn’t all doughy under there.

5 cups of El Farolito salsa (4 verdes and a fresca--makes me sound like a drug dealer: gimme 4 greens and a red), 5 vegetable servings. 1basket of El Farolito corn tortilla chips, 1 vegetable serving. Half an avocado spread out over my burrito, 1 fruit serving. 4 vodka tonics with lime, 1 fruit serving. A burrito and getting drunk while at the same time fulfilling your US daily requirement of fruits and vegetables, priceless.

The other night, whilst talking about party pranks, Niko mentioned shitting in the "upper deck." I had never heard the expression upper deck before, nor that prank. In case you don’t get it, the idea is to poop in the part of the toilet that holds the next water refill for the bowl. I would imagine that the ensuing great many toilet flushes would be tainted. Ew, but effective.

The new expression for when you are attracted to a girl: "I wanna glaze her donut."

Hanging out with Allison the other night and she let slip that when she and Bert are IMing, Bert uses all sorts of Emoticons in their communication. I expect that a whole shitload of people all over the country use that cheesy shit, but I always like to think that my friends are better than that. See what happens next time we get together and he tries to make fun of/oppress me for my text messaging prowess.

Oh yeah, I gots text messaging prowess. I ain't just into it, I'm good at it too. I pimp the T9 hella hard, make witty spur of the moment rewrites when the T9 doesn’t go my way, and can switch back and forth from T9 to regular (when I just need to say it but T9 won't let me) faster than a motherfucker. Gyeah.

Bitter Buffalo (with prophesizing abilities): Last Saturday night I went out with the fellas. We went to go see Built to Spill at Pyramid Snowcap Alehouse Brewpub whatever you call it place. We had some drinks before we went there. I smuggled in some straight vodka (beer only establishment). Drank some beers and some warm vodka, straight. Suffice to say, Mr. Justin was wasted. On the way back I was hungry so I made us stop at Taco Bell (to go). When we walked into Bert and Niko's place, I said, "I'm gonna eat this Taco Bell, throw up in your backyard, and pass out." It didn’t help that for some reason, as I was eating my Taco Bell, Niko felt compelled to throw M and Ms into my chalupa (those shits are like how I imagine a donut burger would be if a donut burger were good). I ate it anyways. Then Mike and Niko, who'd declined to participate in Taco Bell (though I did give Niko my soft taco and the bastard still threw M and Ms into my chalupa, but I digress), decided that they were hungry and that they were going to go get us all Cheesepockets (you know I was full but you know I was down). So they take off. 5 minutes later (an estimation since I couldn’t honestly tell you how much time passed) I dip out to the backyard, throw up, come back in, and pass out on the makeshift bed that Bert made up for me. Just like I said. PS I wake up at 6:30 in the morning and I'm just thinking, "I wonder if those sexy motherfuckers saved me a Cheesepocket?" I checked the fridge, but alas, no. So not only did I throw up and stuff, but I settled for Taco Bell and then those bastards went to Cheesepockets. Argh.

Proof that animals are better than us: Do you ever trip out on how animals don’t have to wipe their asses? I think that is cool. You just stop, do your business, then get back on your horse, so to speak... PS Is there anything grosser than dog-dick?

I think it's yogurt.

Is it me or has somebody's 13 year old daughter suddenly become one of the storyline writers for The OC. Could all that shit with Marissa and the "Yard Boy" be any cheesier? I already thought Marissa was way too cheesy last year. 2 weeks in and we are seeing all new heights of her lameness. In the meantime, Summer further solidifies herself as the "go-to" girl on The OC--not that I needed any further convincing. You can't really blame her for messing with Seth. The most disturbing facet of this young season? 2 episodes in and nobody has been remotely punched, there doesn’t even really seem to be too much potential for anybody hitting anybody any time soon (slight odds of Ryan versus The Yard Guy, but I ain't really too pumped on that), and Sandy is helping maggot-face Caleb and getting blackmailed by "Missy, I mean Mom." I have so much angst.

By: Justin