I had a dream that I was hanging out with the main dude from El Farolito and he was showing me how he made his smoked salmon and he used one of those meat-on-the-giant-spinning-sticks to do it (like the blessed painting they have up on the wall), and then he made me a smoked salmon burrito and it was grouse.

Things That Suck: You know how sometimes, when it is bedtime, you turn off the lights and lay down in bed and you've been lying there for like 5 minutes and you are just starting to drift off to sleep (was that a run-on sentence?). Just as you are nodding off, you hear the evil buzz of the dreaded mosquito. Fucker sounds like it must be flying just inches away from your ear, threatening to shatter your night's sleep and all that. You wave your arms around in the dark in vain. The buzzing stops, temporarily, but you have the horrible feeling that it will return. I hate that. You start thinking about maybe getting up and turning on the light and hunting that fucker down. You don’t know what to do. Don’t know what to do. Don’t know what to do.

Send me an angel.

*right now*

Dude, most late model Volkswagens just don’t look like dude cars. They are all so "chicky." Any time I see one going by (Golf, Beatle, Jetta, whatever), I always am expecting it to be a girl (potentially a hot girl, but that is certainly no sure thing). It is always disorienting when it is a guy. And all I can ever think is, "Where is your self-respect, man?" You pussy.

No surprise that the biggest chick car of all time is a Volkswagen. The Rabbit. Funny too, cuz in college after I tore my ACL my grandmother let me borrow her Rabbit for like 6 months. I'd take a chick car over no car any day (especially when I am gimpy as all hell and get a handicapped parking placard to go with it). Besides, that car was a real piece. The hood would pop open so I had to tie it down with guitar string.

Tortilla Chip Longevity: What is up with the difference between store-bought tortilla chips and the tortilla chips that they give you at the taqueria? Tortilla chips that you buy at the store stay good for weeks and weeks (so long as they are properly wrapped up). On the other hand, tortilla chips that they give you at a taqueria only last for like 2 days before they become stale. What is up with that? I even looked at the ingredients on a bag of store-bought tortilla chips and it wasn’t like they dumped preservatives into it or anything. Is it some parallel dimension shit or what?

What if you were one of those chicks that have the big gap right below their crotch? You know how most people's hips and legs extend straight(ish) down from their torso or whatever? Then, every once in a while you see a girl who looks like her hips are set too far out and so they angle in and if she puts her legs together, there is a gap between their legs just below their crotch. What is up with that? Do girls that have that know that they have that? When we stare at that part, do they know that we are looking at it? Do guys have that? I wouldn’t know because guys don’t wear tight-ass pants like girls do (which is chill). Do some girls that have the "gap" not wear tight pants because of the gap and then there are actually more people with gaps out there than I could have possibly ever fathomed, but most keep it low? Maybe they could develop some serious hardcore 21st Century plastic surgery to fix that shit up.

Pour A Big Fat Fucking Sip Out: Mac Dre, Old Dirty Bastard, and Yassar Arrafat all died within the last 2 weeks. Some crazy shit. My students and I were both most shook by the loss of Mac Dre, who got gaffled up in a drive-by in Kansas City. In honor of the player that was too hard for the radio:
Honkey please
I'm out to stack G's
Flip me a yacht
To cruise the seven seas

What happens when Ocean Breeze (liquid) laundry detergent collides with Mountain Fresh bleach? I'll tell you; I checked it out and it was pretty anticlimactic.

By the way, if I had a washer and dryer at my house (which I haven’t had in 8 years), I would be totally fine with powder laundry detergent, but since I have to go to Laundromats to do my laundry (what the fuck else would I do at the Laundromat? Cruise for chicks? Duh) it is soooo much easier to have the liquid detergent. It's easier to transport and it is not as messy (oi, get it? It's cleaner).

I met with a student's father last week for a conference about him, and his father was amazing. He is a straight shooter (I have had dialog with him before), and he was talking with me (and the student's other teachers) about his son's behavior and he said "flusterated." I wasn’t sure if I misheard what he said but that sure was what it sounded like. Later, he definitely said it again. Flusterated confirmed. I was blown away. That is amazing. The Amalgamator is proud.

I've never been all that comfortable with riding a bicycle on the street. I just feel too inferior to cars and too close to death. As a car driver, I don’t generally get too nervous around bicycles (superiority), but I don’t wanna kill anybody or anything. The one thing that really pisses me off, creeps me out, and makes me nuts is when street-riding bicyclists ride their bikes with no hands when I'm passing them. That shit makes me crazy. It is totally nerve-wracking. Hold your fucking handlebars you putz. I don’t wanna kill you.

Remake Alert: I just saw that they are remaking The Longest Yard, a classic football prison movie (no Chris, I don’t know if the prisoner football players will be covered in man-juice). Playing the part of Burt Reynolds from the original? Adam Sandler. The movie also is gonna have Chris Rock in it. Sweet.

Speaking of football, I read an article about this Croatian soccer club called Dinamo Zagreb. I guess they are normally really, really good, or something (to be honest with you I am not familiar with that product), but they have been sucking balls this season. About 50 members of the "Bad Blue Boys," a hardcore fan club, stormed their practice pitch and demanded that the players give them their blue jerseys, saying that the team sucked balls and were wienies and didn’t deserve to wear the team colors. The team gave the "Bad Blue Boys" (oi, Bad Blue Balls) their jerseys, and the BBB said that they would give the team their jerseys back when they stopped playing like whatever the Croatian word for "little bitches" is.

Some Notes From This Week's The OC:

Speaking in the 4th person. That is some new shit.

I can't believe that it is public knowledge (aka that everybody knows) that Caleb bribed Marissa to live with him and Missy, I Mean Mom when Marissa has been very outspoken about the fact that she would rather live with her father--and everyone is just okay with this. And Marissa's father hasn’t sacked up and been like (cue Mel Gibson voice), "Give me back my daughter." Weaksauce. I just don’t get it. The best part is that Missy, I Mean Mom doesn’t even care that her daughter is being blackmailed and doesn’t want to live with her.

Why does Marissa need her mom to come and pick her up from dad's yacht? Caleb and Missy, I Mean Mom have like a bizillion dollars (the computer tried to respell bizillion for me as bazillion; what the hell is that?) and a fucking castle; they don’t got like $19,000 on a Honda Civic with the power windows/doors package? Maybe they could get one of those certified used ones for less.

Summer's new boyfriend--I can't remember what his name is--is so going to end up being gay. I'm calling it right now.

It's weird. I kind of want her to be with Seth again, but I kind of don’t. Mostly I want her to be with me.

At 8:49 PM, I swear to god that Summer just showed up at the Walkmen show with bangs. I need a drink.

But did you see how good she looked when she was watching The Valley and Seth came to visit her? I know Chris did. Booooooooong.

Last but not least, on the next OC (2 weeks folks), some fools are finally about to start getting hit again. Thank fucking god.

PS Bring back Anna. She pees all over the new science girl.

By: Justin