Why I Couldn’t Live in China: Ain't no fucking cheese up in there. Don’t get me wrong; I love* Chinese food, but can you imagine how unstoppably amazing it would be if they had cheese on some of that stuff?

*In actuality, I don’t think I love Chinese food. I like it a lot. But I can't be like Ken and just dole out I love ______ like wildfire, now can I? Honestly, I mean, I love Japanese, Mexican, and Indian, just to name a few, more than Chinese. I do really like Chinese a lot though. Also merits mentioning that bad Chinese food sucks.

The Fresh Prince calls his "black book" his Chicktionary.

I must admit, I am not sure if there is a T in chicktionary.

What is the most famous strip club in San Francisco? Mitchell Brothers. What is the most famous ice cream parlor in San Francisco? Mitchell's. Coincidence? I think not. Here is where I edit my out loud voice instead of making disgusting innuendos about the "creamery."

Do I get half credit for editing the out loud voice?

Autobot Response: There are a great many things which, when said by a member of our crew to other member(s) of our crew (though it sort of has to be said a certain way, but that is the way we all say it), will illicit a specific response. Most of these responses are as simple as repeating what is said. For instance, if I say "Pizza" to Bert, he will say "Pizza" right back. If Mike said "Cookies" and I was nearby, I would then say "Cookies." If someone said "Is it cold?" someone else would say, "It's good." If someone said "It is cold" (actually referring to the weather on this one) someone else would respond with "It ain't warm."

Things that are cumbersome are like not cool, but the word cumbersome is pretty cool.

*hard-boiled egg burp*

Talking with someone is so much nicer than talking to them. You know what I mean? When some people say, "I'm looking forward to talking to you again" I say "I'm looking forward to talking with you again." (and we all know some people who we could clearly define as people that talk to or at us, instead of with us) It is a subtle difference but it is the type of thing that psychiatrists could do a behavioral experiment on and find out that people who said "talk with" instead of "talk to" enjoyed longer lasting, more fulfilling, and less violent relationships. Or something.

I couldn’t wait til Passover to whip this one out: "Hey baby, wanna play find the afi komen?"

Drunken Dissertation from Long Ago, chronicling the jumping the shark of My Two Dads: I used to love to watch this show when I was a kid. Maybe I was too young to realize that Greg Evigan wasn’t cool, but I wanted a goatee like his. Nicole was sorta annoying, but who I really watched the show for was her friend Shelby. She was so very, very hot. The show jumped however when the dumpy cheesy blond kid from our house (Chad Bra=low budget Zack Morris) came on the show and stole Nicole from Corey (squeaky but solid--is it me or did that kid grow up to be that guy, Giovanni Ribisi, from Lost in Translation and Boiler Room?). The only good part about that was the episode where the girls used Corey as a kissing dummy for Nicole to practice for Cheesy boy. I wonder, where is Shelby now...Also the theme song rawked.

A real friend tells you if you have food stuck in your teeth or a poppable zit on your face. Sincerely.

Labia is like Latin for lips or something.

Bernard Shaw, whoever the fuck that is, once said that GHOTI could spell "fish," with GH as in "rough," O as in "women," and TI as in "station." That whacky Bernard Shaw. Get a fucking hobby, Bernard.

I had a dream the other night that I kissed Tom Sizemore, a prevalent that guy, on the mouth. *disturbing*

Do you see yourself as more of the irresistible force or the immovable object? For me, I gotta go with the force.

We were at the Bunker for a big picnic-style Mexican food feast and some guy passed Erin a plate of grated cheese and said, "Queso?" She turned to me and whispered, "Is that cheese?" Good times...

Good times + boredom=Every once in a while we will turn on the TV and just surf for that guys. We will like make a declaration that we are not turning off the TV til we find at least 3 different that guys or something...

It is only an acronym if it is pronounceable. Otherwise it is a "First Letter Abbreviation" which as a grammar-oriented phrase, just really doesn’t have much of a ring to it. I for one love acronyms, and there would be significantly less if they must be pronounced to really be called acronyms, so I will officially deny in the future any knowledge of this alleged "rule."

There are 2 kinds of people: those who, when they argue, argue because they so believe in their point of view (POV), and those who argue because they hate to be wrong/love to be right/love to hear themselves talk/aren’t listening to what you are saying anyways.

When you think of famous Austrians, who comes to mind first? I bet for like 97% of people it is either Freud or Arnold.

I had this amazing dream that I went back for a high school reunion for good old Culver City High School and the reunion was in Robert Frost Auditorium, the place where we would have big assemblies and the school plays and musicals. When I got to the reunion there was a surprise: there would be live music. I was like, oy gevalt. So I go inside and they announce who is playing. Pavement and Liars. Holy shit. Supershow. I freaked out I was so excited. And Pavement was great and they played heaps of their grouse songs and Spiral Stairs even had a few technical difficulties (just like in real life dude). Liars played afterwards and they rocked out real well too. Then Pavement came back out for an encore. All my former classmates were going crazy (which is a huge stretch of the imagination), and I was going crazy. When I woke up, I felt great. I didn’t feel like it was a dream. I felt like I actually just went to see Pavement's greatest show of all time. It was so real; it was loud and rockin and I recognized most of the songs. I need to get my lucidity on so that I can start having more dreams about shows. Dreaming up all star lineups and shit.

How will I know when it is time to rejoin the work force? When I have seen every episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air at least three times. That's when.

Can you name the Frog Brothers from The Lost Boys?

I'll give you a hint: it has a poetic ring to it.

Edgar and Alan.

Speaking of: A brief paraphrase from an anecdote told by Corey Feldman during his E! True Hollywood Special: So I did like 15 lines of speed--thinking that it was coke--in about half an hour. I couldn’t sleep for 4 days. On the 4th day I went to see the doctor. He gave me valium. That opened the door to prescription drugs. *reminiscing smile*

The hottest woman in the history of television? That's easy. Wonder Woman. No question. And she brought everything to the table. She had beautiful eyes and a beautiful face. She had a ridiculous body. She showed it off in her Wonder Woman outfit (in which she often ran and jumped)--which included knee high red leather boots if I recall correctly. She also wore highly fashionable regular clothes. Businesswoman clothes sometimes even. All the fashions of the time. She was athaletic, smart, caring, gorgeous, and could kick ass.

The nice thing about liars is that, assuming you know they are lying, you get a real clear idea of how they want to be perceived.

If Tina Yothers and Kimberly got into a fight, who would win?

Athaletic is the new athletic.

There are 2 kinds of ketchup out there: Heinz and everything else. And yes, there is a place in this world for plain yellow mustard.

You ever stare at the wall until you realize you are staring at the wall? Maybe you don’t even have any idea about how long you were staring at that wall.

"Tycho Brahe was a great astronomer, but all we remember about him today is that in the course of a festive dinner at the emperor's court he was ashamed to [ask the King for permission to] go to the lavatory, so his bladder burst and he departed among the ridiculous immortals as a martyr to shame and urine." I read this in a novel, and was in such disbelief I had to look it up, and yes, he actually existed. And died from his bladder exploding.

by Justin