There's this murderer's row of legit sit down Mexican restaurants not too far from my hood (on Mission, south of Caesar Chavez). I've always wanted to go to one but felt overwhelmed by the options. Mikey was over and he taught me how to yelp and then we yelped that shit and then we went to this place called Playa Azul. Oh shit. I ordered these nachos that were actually 12 mini tostadas, each lovingly constructed with a boss ratio of cheese (regular and queso fresco), refried beans, and SHRIMP AND CRAB CEVICHE. Did I mention SHRIMP AND CRAB CEVICHE? If you are jealous, you should be. Merits mentioning that I decided I wanted supplemental refried beans, so they brought me a side of them that were so heavy on the cheese that I couldn’t even eat it all.
PS It also came with a full sliced half-avocado on the side, which I can really get with because it allows me to distribute the avocado however I wish.
PPS I pooed 3 times that day and I still can't wait to go back.

I think that my favorite part about this whole Blackwater thing is that the guy who owns it actually named it that. I'd originally assumed that the whole thing was just called Blackwater by the press, but that's the actual name of the company. It just sounds like a scandal waiting to happen. Or was it a self-fulfilling prophesy? Watergate, Whitewater, Blackwater. Soon spellcheck will even pick it up (it picks up Watergate and Whitewater).

"The ever, ever, ever so hot and lovely Brandi C and these heaving, well implanted breasts caught my eye immediately, and I knew that we were going to have a strong, spiritual relationship."
-Bret Michaels on why he picked Brandi C for some alone time.

The difference between Rock of Love and Flavor of Love was huge. While Bret Michaels' girls were significantly less confusable for men, the overall show edge is still a landslide in favor of Flavor. Bret just doesn’t bring much to the table other than the above-quoted gem and the mystery of what-is-or-isn't-underneath-all-those-bandanas.

Have you ever seen anybody drink a martini on the rocks? I know I've seen gimlets on the rocks, but never a martini. This begs the question: why the fuck do places ask if I want it straight up or not? Next time someone asks me that, I am totally gonna quiz their ass.

We were talking about uncircumcised dicks and RR said that he wished that he had x-ray vision so that he could find out if men, walking around on the street with flaccid, uncircumcised dicks, have helmets. That's a helluva reason to wish one has x-ray vision. Because he's a heterosexual male, I'd like to think my brother would have greater aspirations for how to use his x-ray vision.

Did you know: smegma is the proper name of the dirt that collects on the inside of the sleeve of an uncircumcised penis if you don’t wash it out thoroughly.
PS When I googled smegma to see if it was spelled schmegma, one of the top hits alerted me that a synonym for smegma is penis cheese. Let's just add that to bleu cheese and now I have 2 cheeses for which I don’t care.

Did you know II: Avocado comes from the Aztec word for testicles because they grow 2 at a time and one hangs lower than the other. Cool.

It wouldn’t have seemed right to ignore the boys.

The only upside to The Lakers having resigned the atrocious, abomination that is Derek Fisher is that it rekindles my dream to be able to play for The Lakers. I stand by my assertion from years ago when Fisher started for The Lakers--if he can make that team, I got a chance.

Irony: Darwin got sick all the time.

Did you know that by the time barnacles are 7 years old, they have either 2 dicks, 2 vaginas, or 1 of each. As hermaphrodites, they change up their own sex for auto-reproduction. Could you imagine if jerking off gave you a risk of getting pregnant? That would suck. Also merits mentioning that barnacles, relatively speaking, have the biggest dicks in the whole animal kingdom.

And my dick is hella bigger than a barnacle's dick. Fuck, my dick is probably bigger than 1000 barnacles' dicks. I'm pretty sure I could use some fallacious reasoning to build some serious self-esteem. Although that makes me wonder if 1000 barnacles' dicks could actually be 2000 barnacle dicks.

Megara always tries to like goat cheese but she just can't. I feel sorry for her for that--though proud of her for regularly trying it (she knows she should like it). You know who else I feel sorry for? People that suck at sarcasm. Haven't you ever met someone who tries to be sarcastic but they just suck at it? Poor them.

If you were on a plane and you had to choose: would you choose to sit next to a couple that was eating stink-up-the-whole-fucking-plane-for-the-whole-fucking-flight McDonald's or a couple that was making out during the flight? Would you mail me a dollar if I told you that on my last flight, the same piece of shit couple did both? The worst was that the flight was only an hour and they basically wolfed down their McDonald's before the plane even left the ground. If you're so fucking hungry and think that the airport McDonald's is so fucking awesome, why don’t you just come 10 minutes sooner to the airport and eat in the terminal? Dinner and a flight. Date night.

A few weeks ago, we hailed the second season of I *Heart* New York. For a couple of weeks over the summer, JC bugged me to try out for the show. I told her I was pretty sure that there was no way I'd win--and what the fuck does one actually "win"* on that show?--but I must admit that I feel like if I just got drunk the entire time that I was there, I would have had a decent shot at winning.

Crabs.

Remember how you used to play McDonald's Monopoly? You might actually get 2 of 3 of a certain color, but mostly you would get a shitload of the same exact property--let's say Boardwalk for the sake of this demonstration. I had this theory when I was a kid that they segregated, regionally, where they would distribute certain properties so that people could never get complete sets. And I always had this fantasy that I would travel all around America with my excess properties and trade them with other kids' superfluous properties whilst also stopping at McDonald's in other regions where they never give out Boardwalk, for example, but they give out Park Place all the time. I would win all these glorious prizes and be able to retire from elementary school and live off the fat of the land.

I also wonder if in poor areas they give away those cheap purple ones at the beginning of the board at a higher ratio. That would be funny.

I had this dream that I met Kwame Brown and I went to shake his hand and he had these little midgety-baby hands--you know, hands the size of Quato and shit--and I started feeling hella bad for all the shit I've talked about him not being able to catch the ball or hold onto it when under duress. In the dream, I felt like a real jerk, and I apologized.

I've been going to the gym with Mikey to play racquetball, which might actually be the perfect sport for me. The weird part about it all is that I haven’t been to a gym gym since I was in high school, and I'd totally forgotten how horrible it is. I have to go to the locker room to change, and there are all these gross naked dudes there. Why do so many of them have to be old? And not only are they old, naked, and have balls that have been devastated by gravity, but they stay naked for as long as is humanly possible. They walk around, stretch, blow dry their hair...all naked. Ew. Mikey and I get all squeally and grossed out like middle school kids and haul ass to get out of there.

This had me thinking though--if I were a gay guy, I would spend all my time in the gym locker room. Well, not at that gym, since all the guys there are old and gross, but I would go to some gym in a young person's neighborhood and just spend all my time in the locker room. I guess I don’t know exactly how well it translates, but for me, even if the boobies are kinda funky or whatever, I would still rather look at bad boobies than no boobies.

Boobies are boobies so why should it be that you and I should get along so awfully.
Dung dung dung.

by Justin
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