My old housemate, The Gaber, calls his wiener his pooper. Now if that ain't the damndest thing you ever heard? Sooooooooooo the opposite. Beyond the opposite even (if that's even possible? I think it is). I mean, where I come from, a pooper is a tushy is a hiney is an ass. To call your wiener a pooper is like to call your head your pooper. Or something. It just doesn't make sense. It isn't like big fat guys named Tiny or anything. It's just weird.

I always forget that wiener is spelled wiener (I always spell it weiner).

Why do some people say vice versa as vica versa?

Big Pimpin=When I am about to go out of town (whether for work or vacation) and will be staying at a hotel, I always go to a coffee place--preferably Peet's--and buy some weight of quality ground coffee (for home use I buy whole bean and grind my own). Hotel coffee is always like a SCU bag of Folgers that you don't even have to tear open. Creepy. So of course I bring my own filters too. And trim them to fit with scissors. Then, in the morning, my hotel room is the place to be.

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...that's all well and good, but nobody talks about who peeled all those freaking chestnuts. I had no idea...Now I do.

I only in the last year and a half or so began using the gold coffee filter. I had been discouraged previously by friends who said it was nasty (and that it let in too much soot). When I finally started using it, I realized it was hype. I highly recommend the gold filter to everyone who is down with the quality. And the soot factor is totally minimal and avoidable (from the drinking it aspect). And for you hippies out there, no paper waste!

Ever had Walnut Prawns? My favorite Chinese food order...Peep it. You won't be sorry. Sweet God of mayonnaise.

I have usurped others and I have been usurped.

There is nothing more disgusting than watching people eating on TV. Gross. Especially since the noises are all exaggerated by sound effects. Those Carl's Jr commercials where they show some dude macking a burger, chewing with his mouth open? That is supposed to make me hungry? That makes me nauseous.

Forget about going dairy-free, you know how hard it is to go through a single day without eating any cheese? Hella hard. On the rare occasion that I do, I am always very proud of myself. On an average day, I'm sitting on at least 3 kinds of cheese at my house: the most usual suspects are a nice pepper jack and/or colby, a goat cheese, and a parmesan. Often times I will also have cheddar, havarti, jarlsberg/swiss, and other assorted cheeses. And in the realm of cheeses and stat padding, do you count cottage cheese and cream cheese? Because I always have those too.

My farts smell like roses...Not everyone's do, though. The rule I made with Bert on our last road trip should be included in the Bill of Rights or something. Don't fart and wait til Mr. Justin is all, "God Damn. Roll down the window." The farter should roll down the window before he farts if he is letting go of particularly pungent ones. It is the right thing to do. And highly effective.

Being the best is way harder than being the smartest. Being smart is all about you and yoself, being the bestest means you gotta overcome the haters.

Why do they always show Chasing Amy on the Oxygen channel? I don't consider Chasing Amy (or Kevin Smith for that matter) to be a pro-feminist film at all. If anything, I would say it does the opposite, trivializing the lesbian experience. So why do they play it on the women's channel? Furthermore, why the hell is the feminist/lesbian channel called Oxygen? Don't men breath oxygen too? They should have called it something unique to women. If they wanted it to still start with O they could have called it the Ovulation channel.

Speaking of, if you remove the Easter bunny/Santa Claus/man hating lesbian/man loving lesbian joke from the running, the best quote from Chasing Amy was when Banky asked the lesbian, "Since you like chicks, do you just look at yourself naked?"

Speaking of speaking of, why does Jason Lee have a beard in so many of his movies? He is one of my top top favorite actors, but the whole beard thing is not a flattering look.

Is it just a coincidence that cummerbunds are cumbersome? BTW, was I the only person who (sheepishly) thought that it was pronounced something more like cumberbun (the relationship between the 2 words lost something when, upon looking up the spelling of cummerbund, I realized its actual pronunciation. But still)? Good times...

Who the fuck dries dishes in this day and age? That seems like the most redundant job of all time. I mean, unless you are having a party and need those same plates clean and dry for dessert, what is the point? Go. Leave the kitchen. Enjoy life. Because yes, the dishes do dry themselves.

2-sided sponges are>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>1-sided soggy gooey sponges. This is technological advancement at its finest. Embrace it.

Goonies: I have seen the truth (Benzo bought the DVD). And there is an octopus. But it is not "fully scary" at all.

Have you seen those Bowflex commercials where the people are talking about losing weight and inches due to this amazing product? How come all the people in the commercials look like midgets in their before/after pictures? That shit is soooo suspect. And that one redneck guy that says, "I never lost 30.5 pounds so fast before." Doesn't really make the product seem too promising in the long haul.

People who are fashionably irresponsible are "eye ball salting."

Never Need Dry Cleaning Again: OK, here is something I don't understand. So Leo is the Charmed Ones' White Lighter. Kind of like their guardian angel. He was once a human being but he died (in WWI but that is irrelevant. Sucks for him that he is with Piper, who is by far the lamest of the 3 Charmed Ones. Even of the 4 Charmed Ones if you include the Page years after Prue died (miss you Brenda)). As a White Lighter he has some powers. He can orb in and out of rooms mostly. But he can also heal any wound so long as the person is still alive. Nice. Let's say that Alyssa gets stabbed in the leg. Not only can Leo use his hands (held at a distance of 6 inches or so) to heal her wound, but when he does he is also able to fix the tears to the fabric and remove the bloodstains all in one fell swoop (odd expression). This is amazing. None of The Charmed Ones should ever have to go to the Dry Cleaners. Clothes are healed in an all-inclusive package. That is the number 1 reason why I wish I had my own White Lighter. I wonder if he can work a little "hem-and-heal" magic too.

Dentists recommend that you keep your toothbrush at least 6 feet away from the toilet, in order to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. Airborne particles=flying poo-bits. Ew.

Hot avocados: Nasty. Ain't no bigger waste of an avocado (except for when it is touching sour cream) than heating it up. Also referred to as the Calabasas Chicken Theory.

I read that 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on TV. I know I have. When I was a young Justin back in Culver City, I went with some Little League friends to go see a movie--we were trying to sneak in to see Colors, which had just come out and was super-ultra-controversial. And there was a news crew (w/ camera) interviewing people outside the theatre. We stopped behind the interviewees and made faces and stuff. So count me amongst the lucky 1s, not the loser 3s. Merits mentioning that my father, Ken, has been on TV shows numerous times in the past, and his head is prominently featured in a now-playing Honda commercial. Way to go Ken. Ross men represent.

Corndogs contain a vegetable serving.

Have you seen that show "Cheaters" yet? That shit is crazay. So a person drops a dime on their boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse to the TV show when they suspect the loved one of cheating on them. The TV show hires PIs to follow the loved one around and bug/surveillance camera their home and work and shit. Then when they catch the loved one cheating, they call in the dime-dropping victim and show them video footage of their loved one fucking someone else. Then they (physically) bring the victim to the loved one when they know the loved one is with their co-cheater for a confrontation. All caught live on tape. Gnar gnar.

Speaking of dropping dimes, my favorite new slang phrase for saying ratting someone out is to eat cheese.

I try to keep the basketball references to a bare minimum, but I gotta say these 2 things. 1: Terry Porter looks a whole hell of a lot like Sloth from Goonies. 2: Yao Ming looks just like a Chinese Ivan Drago (um, maybe it's just the haircut and the posture). OK, back to your regularly scheduled programming.

The nice thing about liars is that, assuming you know they are lying, you get a real clear idea of how they want to be perceived.

Nerd Alert: who do you think would win in a fight: A Star Trek fan or a Lord of the Rings fan?

Athaletic is the new athletic.

How About: Macaroni and Cheese with, for that bread-crumb/casserole topping, a crushed Cheetos topping? Could go the grouse. And the color coordination? Forget about it.

by Justin