What kind of girl only dates guys that don’t put the seat down? What kind of girl doesn’t tell her guy to put the seat down?

Who would have ever thought that the world record holder for matzoh ball eating would be a giant Black man called "Bad Man Booker?"

I have this theory that if it is gonna be some Friday night where you are just gonna stay home alone and watch movies and kick it and stuff and make brownies, then you might as well just skip dinner since you are gonna eat a shitload of brownies anyways. Might as well have them for dinner too.

Nothing beats being a tourist in Berkeley. Use your own inference skills to decipher that one.

You know how there are all sorts of drinks that you like, but when you really, really want a drink, there is a specific drink or two that--in your mind--is the only thing that will suffice. AKA when a drink sounds hella good, I ain't looking for no cape cod or nothing.

Megan and I were talking about something (you might expect me to remember what, since I am writing about it), and she said, "I can't imagine you being anybody's bitch." That is like the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me (excluding penile compliments).

You know how you see the SUVs, all flossed out with the backseat videoscreens and tinted windows and the videoscreens are on? And It doesn’t really look like anyone is in the backseat but you can't be sure cuz the windows are tinted? OK, my real question is, do the ballers play DVDs in their cars regardless of whether or not they have passengers to watch them, just as a way to show how "pimpin" they are?

You may or may not know this about me, cuz I might come off as rather care free and stuff, but I actually have a strategy for just about everything. Sincerely (and especially foodstuffs). We could make this into like a gameshow or something. Or something.

What does a watery grin look like?

Watery doesn’t seem like it would be a really real word.

There are 2 kinds of people: those who would love to have someone else do their laundry, and those who would rather do their laundry themselves. Which kind do you think I am?

I gave you a hint earlier in the column.

You know what looks so cool? Those runaway truck up-ramp thingies that you see on the freeway. How sweet would it be to be just hauling ass and roll up one of those things? Or better yet, to see a big old mac truck do it...

Stop the presses. Snaq talked again. This time he said, regarding their upcoming matchup, "Kobe is a Corvette and I am a brick wall." To which Kobe responded, "Well, I wouldn’t call myself a Corvette." Sweet.

It's always such a sweetass moral victory when your entree is better than theirs.

Do you ever do google image searches for "before and after cosmetic breast surgery."

If a belly button ring and a lower back tattoo got into a fight, who do you think would win?

What about if you have the urge to tell someone that they have something in their teeth when they don't, and keep telling them that they miss it? I don't know if I already wrote about this, but I sure do think about it a lot. I've only actually done it twice, but I think about it all the time.

Matthew McConaughey may be a total wanker, but he ruled in Dazed and Confused.

Did you know that Caesar's Salad comes from Tijuana? Ken told me. And I shit you not. I was in total disbelief too.

Another difference between LA and SF is that in SF, really weird people don’t have cars, but in LA everyone has a car. Merits mentioning, however, that San Francisco seems to have more art cars, per capita, than anywhere else on earth.

For Chrismukah, Jenn gave everybody boxes of homemade cookies (they were good too). The boxes were green with chunky gold glitter decorative stripes I got mine just in time for the drive to LA, so I had it on my lap during the drive down and was distributing cookies to Brian, Mary, and myself. After distributing the cookies, I put the box away only to find that I had gold glitter all over my lap. When Brian noticed it, I told him, "I just got a lap dance from a pixie." About 10 minutes later, Brian looked at me to say something and burst into laughter. He told me to look at my face in the car mirror, and sure enough, I had a gold glitter mustache. I said, "Sweet. Now it looks like I just went down on a pixie too."

Oi, the holidays=better to give or receive?

First of all, I love Lance Armstrong. I even read (and enjoyed) his book, It's Not About the Bike, although the book actually had a lot to do with the bike. Lance Armstrong bracelets are totally cool and stuff and I fully support what they are raising money for. Here's the conundrum: I want people to buy them, but I don’t want people to wear them.

Girls Jeans: All girls own like 17 pairs of blue jeans. These can break them into categories though. Most girls have either 3 different types of jeans (and several of each type) or they have a shiteload of jeans that look exactly the same and then like 2 unique pairs. If you are a guy and trying to decipher which is which, the only real hints you have, within a category, is if you look at the stitching and/or the flair factor. These are the only hints we get.

Pat Garrity looks a lot like Kiefer Sutherland in Lost Boys.

Dude! A Vartan citing Dude! And several gems to disclose. He was telling me about how he doesn’t eat beef or pork anymore. I asked him why. He said, "Cuz Keisha (his new lady) is a vegetarian. Since she ain't gonna cook any beef or pork for me in the future, I might as well get used to life without it now [Dude!]." Jesus, Vartan, what are you, an invalid? (no, he's Armenian)

It was going to be a surprise that Vartan joined Sage, Ben, RR, Brent, and I at the greatest sushi spot on earth. Sage told just me that Vartan was coming (I haven’t seen him in over a year I think). He told the other guys that we had a mystery guest. While we were still waiting for the mystery guest to arrive, I told Ben I knew who the guest was. Ben wanted me to tell him. I said, "Dude! I can't tell you." He said, "It's Vartan?" Good times.

Vartan, singing the praises of Keisha, said, "Dude! Edit edit edit edit edit edit edit edit edit edit edit, Dude!."

Dude! I totally spelled cunnilingus right!

In case you can't tell, Vartan totally puts a hop in my step.

I will probably have more Vartanisms on Saturday (Christmas), cuz he is taking my ass to The Lakers-Heat game. Although they (the comments) might not be quite as nasty, since Keisha will be there. The big question on everyone's mind? How will edit edit edit after cheering for The Lakers for 3 hours. Heh.

Did you hear that? I am going to The Lakers game on Christmas day! Now that deserves an exclamation mark. Fuck yeah. That is about the greatest activity on earth for a Jewish boy on stinky Christmas day. Boo yah.

I just saw a commercial for Carnitas and Carne Asada sandwiches at Subway. They even had a real Spanish pronouncer person saying the words. Yet for some reason it still doesn’t sound all that tantalizing/authentic.

I went to Costco with my mama and got a 2 pack of Beef Jerky. Ma was asking if I was really gonna eat all that. I said that I would give one of the 8 ounce packs to RR; he would love it. Sure enough, I gave it to RR while we were watching That 70s Show with Kevin and by the time that Fear Factor was over, my brother was 2 tiny little pieces away from having dusted a half pound of Beef Jerky in under an hour and a half. Cra zay.

PS Guess what RR had for lunch? A 2.5 inch high roast beef sandwich that was so rare that the strips mushed into each other.

I got into an argument with RR about what the butler's name is from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. He was saying it was Geoffreys. I said it was Geoffrey. Of course I was right, but the best part was that I went to IMDB to look it up and it had his last name (on the show) listed as "Butler." Good times.

What did Carlton do for all those years between Silver Spoons and The Fresh Prince?

Surprisingly little, as it turns out. A few made for TV movies. That's it. It is crazy how long the world goes at a time without Carlton. No wonder we have wars and stuff. If we had more Carlton on TV, the world would be a happier, better place.

*imagines Carlton dancing*

This always disoriented me when I was a kid: the navy gets the sea and the air, the marines get the sea and the land, and the army gets the land. And the air force gets...what? Shouldn’t they get the air? Seems like it would make sense. Instead, it seems like they just get made fun [of].

Patricia Arquette is totally hot. Her performance in True Romance was transcendently sexy; enough to dispel any doubts. But in most movies that she is in, she usually doesn’t go past mildly hot. What's up with that?

The best line from Elf: "You're not Santa. You smell like meat and cheese. Santa doesn’t smell like that."

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I fucking watched Elf.

By: Justin