On the drive to LA from SF, RR earnestly pondered, "What if a boy butt-raped his dad?"

I get pretty pumped when I crack open an egg and get a double yolk. It's pretty chill. But it got me thinking: is the double yolk the baker's worst nightmare? Does it throw off the balance or is it no big deal?

You know how much it sucks when you need a new sponge? A lot. Then you finally get that new sponge--I love the 2-sided with 1 abrasive side--and it is no fun to use for like a week; it's too stiff. It's just like a new pair of Dickies; too stiff to be any fun until they've been washed like 10 times.*

*Merits mentioning that liquid fabric softener, in excess, can cut the Dickies-fun-to-wear wait time down to 4 times.

I had a dream last night that my parents were Chinese and they owned a bagel shop at the high school at which I taught. I would go say hi and visit them all the time, and they would always give these little packets-- the shape of the kind you used to get at McDonald's for your McNugget dipping sauce-- that were full of beets. Apparently I just loved them beets. In real life, I enjoy them in salads with goat cheese. Also, I've been thinking about my penis a lot lately.

My band name is the irregular plurals.

"It's not about empathy; it's about being judged."
--Carla

Every time I see someone named Julia, it is so hard to not say, Julia Gulia. Do you know what I mean?

You know what sucks? I feel like when gas prices go down, they seem to go down like 3 cents a week, but when they go up, they go up like 3 cents a day. It's like a metaphor for how it takes so much to earn someone's full respect and trust, but takes so fucking little to blow it.

"I know exactly what he means."

Remember the time that Alex and I were taking Intro to Sexuality in Santa Cruz, thinking that it would be cool. It was like 90% girls and was in the biggest classroom (a 400+ person theatre-style lecture hall) in the school--you know what kind of odds that is? Well that class wasn't cool at all. We kind of stopped going...then we showed up on the last day of the class with burritos, remembering that there was going to be some kind of presentation. But it was all these girls who were in the class on the stage, one at a time, telling rape stories. Ever been somewhere where you were eating a burrito and all of a sudden you realized that that was not the appropriate place to be eating a burrito? It is actually a really unfuckingcomfortable feeling. I can still smell that burrito shame.

Do you ever have dreams where you and all your friends are like rumbling against some rival gang, Outsiders style? Those are always totally sweet. Our gang always wins. 3 days after Sage's wedding, when Vartan didn't show up, I had one of those rumble-style dreams and our gang was winning (we rule) and then all of a sudden Vartan came running into the fight. Now that I think about it, isn't that like straight out of a scene from The Outsiders--with Dally joining the rumble just as it sets off?

We were talking about Sage and Sweetp's wedding, and RR said that he was surprised that the P in Sweetp wasn't spelled out; he'd always thought that it was. Sara said that she somehow knew it was just the letter P. RR said that it was cool that way (with just the letter), it's just that he just always thought "that it was spelled out, you know, P E E." Heh. we know who is winning the spelling contest between those 2.

Sometimes I will ask a friend if something that I wrote or said is inappropriate, whether it is for school or whatever, and people so often say, "It's not inappropriate for you; it fits your personality." What the hell does that mean? Then it makes me feel like I am going to go (or even worse: went) into school with some grossly inappropriate sample or something, but my friend thought it wasn't too too bad or surprising, considering it came from *this dirtbag*. Sincerely, you would be surprised how many different people have given me that response.

So you want your skin to glow, but you don’t want your skin to shine. Seems like a fine line to me.

Americans eat 600 hot dogs a second. That is a lot. Whenever I hear a stat like that, I always think about how many hot dogs must be consumed in reality, per second, during the main part of the day in which people across America are actually eating hot dogs during appropriate hot dog eating hours. That is, the average must be much lower at say 4AM pacific time, so in order to compensate, the average must be much higher than 600 per second at 4PM pacific time. I always think of those per second/minute/hour things like that. Know what I mean?

Related hot dog postscripts: there are "meat scientists," which sounds cool. And the founder of Nathan's Hot Dogs opened his business with the idea of selling dogs for 5 cents instead of 10, which was the going rate at the time. People were skeptical about it at first, thinking that the meat must be questionable if the hot dogs were so cheap. Business was struggling, so Nathan, in a move that would make any fellow Jew proud, went out and bought a bunch of doctor's coats and stethoscopes and had his friends wear them and stand in front of his hot dog stand, eating his hot dogs. People saw these "doctors" eating his dogs and assumed that if doctors were eating them, they must be safe. Last but not least, over 90% of all dogs in America are actually sold skinless. They are made with synthetic cases (derived primarily from delicious boiled down cotton), pre-cooked as all dogs are, then a machine pops them out of their skin (cotton=nice for shirts, shitty for taste).

Last time I was home, ma showed me a copy of The Fox, which was the Farragut Elementary School bi-bi-monthly newsletter (oi, thirdly). Did you know that I was a contributing journalist? Bigtime. Along with like 30 other kids (no wonder it was bi-bi-monthly). Anyways, this is my expose on tennis:

My favorite sport is tennis because (as my grandmother says), "It's a gentlemen's sport." It's fast and I love it. I think everyone should own a racket and some balls. My best shot is a forehand slam with topspin! I think tennis is the most exciting game in the world. Who is your favorite player? Mine is John McEnroe. I think you should watch a tennis match one day, or play a set with someone.

My god, what kind of pussy would actually quote their grandmother in an elementary school newspaper? I wasn’t supercool to anybody besides me (and your mom) until 9th grade. I was too sharp around the edges. Literally.

Other than that, when you read it, it could almost pass for something I wrote drunk the other night. I still think that people in this country could use more (figurative) balls. Biggest tell that it is old is the presence of the lame-o exclamation mark though. Yes, I have evolved as a writer!

You know, you try humor via punctuation and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Just so you know that I am still risqué.

Bert said that it would take 300 million dollars to get him to fuck a giraffe. But then he is the last person that would want to play a game like that. Nico said that you could wear a condom, which seems totally random to me (hybrid babies, while I am guessing would be scientifically impossible via traditional intercourse, would be cool). But then Nico also introduced the idea that maybe it doesn’t fully count that you fucked if you were wearing a condom. I fear that this is the seed that could be the fall of western civilization.

Baby, I didn't actually have sex with that girl. At least not technically. I was wearing a condom...

It turns out that the last bathroom wipes that I bought for my ass ended up (haha) being meant for cleaning sinks and countertops and stuff. Boy was I glad that I took a second look at the packaging before I actually started using them. That would have put the ass is disasster.

The most notable thing I have to say about this week's that guy is that he must have come in 3rd place in the casting contest for the Fratelli Brothers. He would have made a perfect Fratelli. He appears to have first gotten his break via the old nepotism route--his father, then his brother, who is a director. No shame in that guy's game. IMDB includes under its trivia section that he attended school at R.L. Stevenson Elementary, which makes me immediately think 2 things: first, he didn’t go on to middle school, let alone high school, and second, he may not have even graduated elementary school. With all of the subgenres of that guys out there, I would have to file him under the booger eating that guy category. Hits include:

Curious George
Cinderella Man
Beethoven's 5th (which I am pretty sure is the Rocky V of the Beethoven series)
Little Nicky (unfortunately, there has certainly been worse Adam Sandler)
The Waterboy (hmmm, I don't know which of these would win in a fight--Little Nicky was underrated; The Waterboy was overrated)
My Dog Skip
Austin Powers
Barb Wire (a Pamela Anderson leading role--FYI her character's name is Barbara in the film)
Apollo 13
Forget Paris (a decent movie, once you get over the fact that it is a chick flick, not a movie about being an NBA referee)
Backdraft
Tango and Cash ("You don't know squat")
Parenthood
Freeway
Gung Ho ("He's stuck between a rock and a hard on")
Cocoon ("I heard it makes you people very happy, so that's a good thing. It's about a group of older people who go to outer space--I hope I didn’t give anything away there")
Splash
Night Shift
Rock and Roll High School

by Justin
If you want to be added to the mailing list for future columns or if you wanna give me a piece of your mind, hit the link above or email me at justin@cheesepockets.com