If you haven't already, you should check out my cameraphone pictures. They can give you a pictorial who's who of the people that are mentioned in the columns. And many come with witty captions. Peep game.

I have been thinking a lot about my future, and I have been thinking that maybe I will just open up one of those Payday Cash Advance places. People just come to me and borrow some money and then in a little while they have to pay me back all that money and a whole chunk extra. I could hire some really fucking huge beefcake dudes to work for me to be my "collection agents" and stuff. That would be chill. I could take my collection agents with me to bars and get all rowdy and down to the basketball court and make them rebound for me and stuff.

RR called the lower back tattoo the "Tramp Stamp." That is a good one.

Top 5 TV shows of all time (not in order):
Magnum
Cheers
The Fresh Prince of Bel Air
Twin Peaks
Your mom's candid camera bedroom reality show (I didn’t know that old ladies still get pimples on their booties).

A guy that "doesn’t take no for an answer"=date rape.

One of the best parts about my last trip to LA was getting to watch episodes of Dallas on DVD on my mama's computer while I rode the elliptical machine. Really helped me to get in touch with my inner soccer mom. Although a couple of years ago I did drive a Merc Tracer Wagon for a while, you know.

Another thing that makes it harder to be a guy than a girl: If I am peeing and I have to sneeze, I have to stop peeing to sneeze. Girls can probably just go right on with their peeing.

You know how sometimes you can't think of the perfect word that you want to use? That shit drives me nuts. A lot of the time, when I can't think of the word, I'll still think I know what letter the word starts with. You know what? I don’t ever, ever get the first letter right when I finally figure out/realize what the word is.

I was getting a ride to the Dark Side on Saturday night. There is always at least some traffic getting onto the bridge. I looked over to my right and saw a girl in a black SUV sitting with her back to the driver's side window. For a second I thought it looked strange (how could she drive like that?), but then I saw her bouncing up and down and realized she was fucking the shit out of someone! Outstanding. I'd never seen that before. And she was really going for it. And there was traffic and stuff, but the traffic was still moving. Crazy. Put that in my sex coupon book...

Drunken Voice Memo Alert: "Everyone's doing anal; it's the new black." -?

If your basketball team was shooting a pathetic 17% from the 3-point line, how many shots do you think your team would take in that game? 5? 8? 9? 10? How about 29 hucks. And when I say hucks, at 17% you can be damn sure they are hucks. Makes me wanna chuck.

I asked Amber if she has ever seen "Trading Places" and she was all, "What, the home decorating show?" Sigh.

All babies, in utero, have the parts necessary to become either a boy or a girl. Through the course of "incubation," a baby becomes a boy or a girl by having the related parts begin to form, and the unnecessary structure withers away (female areas wither away as the male genetalia develops and vice versa). Doctors say that the penis is just a really big clitoris (my penis is enormous if you think of it in those terms). They come from the same place. That, my friends, is good times...

Dude, you know what I have always been curious about that I finally did (cue the "too much free time" theme music)? Typing with someone else, each person with one hand on the keyboard. It was really fun and stuff. Could've kept me entertained for hours yo. I have to figure out a way to turn it into a drinking game and then I will sell it and make millions of dollars. The most contested keys were the Y, the B, and the space bar. There were a lot of double spaces in the town.

Clarified butter is butter where they separate the butter into components and stuff and then they get rid of the parts that make butter burn when it is heated too much. The end result is a type of butter that you can use for frying and stuff. Go the grouse. Niko explained all this to me the other night as he made refried beans with clarified butter as part of Tostada Night II. And oh they were soooooo good.

So The Lakers traded in a coach who did all of his coaching in practice and none in the games for one who seemingly does none whatsoever. The only perk about Rudy T is that at least we can confirm the guy has a heartbeat during game time. I like an animated coach. What I don't like is a coach whose offense consists of nothing more than isolations, 2 man pick and pop, and a barrage of 3-point shots from mediocre 3-point shooters. Coach, you bastard. How do you let your team shoot 4 for 27 from 3-point land in a game, much less let them keep shooting?

When you see a Porsche 944, don’t you think of Jake Ryan first and foremost? I know I do.

You know what sucks? When you are brushing your teeth and, more specifically, your tongue, and you brush either too hard, too much, or too far back and it causes the gag reflex. I hate that. But I sure do love a clean tongue.

How many things on earth are more sensual than Q-Tipping your ears? Not too many that I can think of. You try not to do it every day because you know it isn’t good for you, but it feels so good. It's so addicting. You don’t feel all-the-way clean unless you are Q-Tipped after the shower. Time slows down around you, your breathing slows as well; you gently begin Q-Tipping and your eyes start to roll back in your head. Sigh. What if you could Q-Tip at the exact moment of orgasm? It sounds awesome, but I would probably never be the same again after that...or maybe I would just go "too deep" with the Q-Tip and rupture an eardrum. Safer not to experiment, I guess.

You know I wanna see Coach Carter hella bad, and you know Bert has been giving me mad shit for it.

Top 11 Random Search Strings that have led people to Cheesepockets.com in January (per our admin site stats):

bridgette nielson she hulk (oh Bridgette Nielson, you vixen, where are you now?)
hellapresh (I don’t know where this exists on cheesepockets, but I bet hellaphresh is a popular search word in the middle school community)
hydroponic/cucumber (I don’t even think this is meant in the phallus way, although if it were it could be meant as a penis grower)
integrity in tennis shoes (the fucking Owls, bitch)
is this the bus to cartagena (trivia question)
penal swab (I hope that describing my painful, traumatic experience with the penal swab has given other men facing this "procedure" a sense of solidarity and commiseration)
quesadilla synonym (oh, I've got synonyms)
spank.com (relax. I looked, and it isn’t even a porn site. Talk about your upsets of the century)
susan hibbard inventions (this is a bri g thing--the feather duster)
we are the moron brothers (this is the RR and myself--"we may not go down in history/but we'll go down on your sister." Damn, that never gets old)
you smell like meat and cheese (this too is the RR and myself)

I had a dream last night that I got a new cell phone--cuz my old one broke--and it was red. And for some reason I was okay with it.

Today's half and half expired on January 12. 6 days past its prime and still going strong. Good times...

This is an email that I sent some time ago from Bert's house. I was rather wasted at the time of composition, as you may be able to discern. For some reason, I find it humorous, so I am sharing it--with the reply--with you:

dude-
you guys totally rock. i saw you last year at BOTH opening for someone and I was blown away. I, in my inebriated state, thought you were called Reagan's Sisters. I searched for you under that erroneous pseudonym for a while (obviously fruitless attempts), and have only recently come to discover your real name. I live in the city but will be in LA when you are playing there next. How long do you think your set at the Troubadour will be? What the fuck do the Gossip sound like?
If I don't catch you this time around, when do you think you will be playing in the city again?
Cheers,
Justin

hey justin-
reagan's sisters, huh? glad you finally found us...so, the gossip are a punk band with amazing bluesy/gospely/punk female vocals, and super blown out guitar. they rule. our set should be about 25-30 minutes. there is a 3rd band called dance disaster movement. don't know much about them. DON'T BE LATE!
trs

By: Justin