I feel that I should forewarn you that there is an actual linear(ish) quality to some of this column...

You know what I can't get on board with (besides the phrase "can't get on board with")? The ballers who put their braids into pigtails. That shit is just not cool. Spree, Troy Hudson, Danny Fortson (a fat man with braids in pigtails=not attractive), and assorted others. That shit ain't tough. It's embarrassing. And creepy.

Speaking of, I have recently been criticized for seemingly having nothing but negativity toward basketball players. I know for a fact it is easier to complain than to embrace, but folks, I am the biggest basketball fan on earth. So to inject some basketball positivity onto the scene, I will start by saying that I fucking love Reggie Miller. And there are heaps of haters out there. Although he may now be at the end of his career, for the last 15+ years he has been as cold blooded and as clutch as just about anyone in the league. If you are a New York fan, I understand your disdain for him (for having dumped on your team so many times over the years), but other than that I just don’t understand why people hate on him so much. Is it because he isn’t ghetto enough? Because his game doesn’t revolve around dunking, showboating, chipped cell phones, and being an asshole?

Did you know that positivity isn’t a word? That's some bullshit.

"...I'll play your ribcage like a xylophone with my balls." -Justin

Yeah, I spelled xylophone right on the first try. Now that we are talking about musical instruments, you know what I always wanted that is so cool? A theremin. Those things are sweet and I know I'd be good at playing one. And you know it would be sweet to break it out for Halloween and stuff too.

You know what never really made it and it don’t make no god damn sense? The erasable pen. Seems like a brilliant idea. And people love the idea of being able to erase their mistakes (coupled with how annoying it is to write in pencil, unless you are a math nerd). I have a feeling that the Whiteout Industry took the erasable pen market down to Chinatown. Dirty business.

I have decided that I will, from this point on (unless I forget or decide it's stupid), have a "That Guy" of the week. For my inaugural that guy, the choice is obvious. Gotta go with good old Robert Davi. The infamous white, pock-marked Edward James Olmos, as Mike once tried to describe him. Here is an outstanding picture of the man standing next to who appears to be the skanky chick/second oldest sister from that 80s TV show "Just the Ten of Us." Right-click here. His dossier includes The Goonies, Die Hard, Raw Deal, Showgirls, and Action Jackson. Recognize him?

One of my favorite things to do is, when getting ready for bed, I love to brush my teeth at the same time as I pee. Is that weird? I don’t think that is weird. Maybe if I was a girl that would be weird (not a girl).

Did you know that it is unsafe and unhealthy (both, really) to cook with or drink hot tap water? It just isn’t worth it. Trust me, I know. I am a very healthy guy.

Speaking of "did you know". Did you know that when water freezes, it purifies, pushing all the impurities to the outside? Yep. So if you made ice cubes with tap water, you could just rinse out the outer layers of the ice cubes and you would have pure water beneath. Merits mentioning.

Now I'm wondering if you froze hot tap water, would it then be safe to drink (after rinsing away the outer layer)? Hmm.

Nah, it just ain't worth it.

You know what I did like to freeze though, when I was a kid? Anything I could. I used to love to pour anything liquid into an ice cube tray, cover it up with saran wrap, poke toothpicks into the cube places, and create my own popsicles. I used to make soda popsicles, juice popsicles, and both regular and chocolate milk popsicles. Did everybody do this? Is this like the pouring-then-letting-dry-then-peeling-glue-off-the-arm thing?

If you didn’t like someone, you could probably make pee popsicles and like add a bunch of sugar and stuff and give it to them and say that it is like a lemonade popsicle or something. Hmmm, don’t eat the homemade "chocolate" popsicles. Was that my outloud voice?

Dude, I'm going free association right now, bigtime.

Though my popsicle-making craze ended before I started drinking coffee, I would now like to bring it back by making coffee flavored popsicles.

The big pimpin move is to use those frozen coffee ice cubes to make your ice coffee. That's word up.

Dude, coffee is so fucking good.

Teabag is one of those things like pearl necklace--anytime I hear someone say teabag, I automatically start getting all giggly and shit. Good times...

*several minutes later*

OK, I just got off the phone with Bert. It was killing me; I couldn’t think of the name of the coffeeshop in Santa Cruz that we always used to go to that showed me the way re: coffee ice cubes to make ice coffee. And in our phone conversation, I was all, "What was that coffee place in Santa Cruz called? Something that starts with an 'M' or something...like El Mercado or something that sort of sounds like that." He starts laughing at me. The place is called "Café Pergolesi." So I was almost right.

After that, I was telling him about how I have been watching Twin Peaks again and it was bugging me who this one that guy was, the guy that played Agent Cooper's (AKA the man) FBI friend that ran all the ballistics and crime scene analysis shit. I knew it was something big, but I couldn’t quite pinpoint what. So I looked him up on IMDB and there it was. He played the dude in Robocop that did coke off of a chick's boobs. The dude that worked under Dick Jones (Dick Jones runs OCP. OCP runs the cops. Never gets old). He was actually the one that came up with Robocop anyway. Dick Jones was the one that came with ED-209. And we all remember how that worked out.

That dude Big Ed was in The People Under the Stairs.

Leo Johnson was in Starship Troopers.

Bobby Briggs was in The Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. That seems weird since that is an old flick. Then again, his role was "Boy on boat."

OK, this is just getting eerie. Now I know that Leland Palmer looked familiar to me. I knew he played a creep in something good. I just looked his ass up and he was in Robocop too (not to be confused with Robocop 2). He was in the crew of bad guys that went around blowing up the city after the cops went on strike.

Talk about 6 Degrees of Separation. Whew.

OK, no more of that.

But Piper Laurie, who played Catherine, is the woman that my friend Henry and I in high school mistook for Meredith Salenger in the credits of Dream a Little Dream and thought we were in love with even though it turned out that she was the old lady actor who played Jason Robards' wife.

OK, now I'm really done.

But I do have to add that Sherilyn Fenn is my lady.

Who doesn’t love having the blanket laid over them? Whether it is sitting on the couch and having one draped across you or laying in bed and having the bed "made" with you in it, that is good times...

Malkmus on high school Malkmus: "I spent time in jail for walking on people's roofs in suburban America."

This is the best day of my life (1-20-05). I just watched Summer eating cheesepockets. And dude, it was her idea to get them. And dude, I had cheesepockets today too! Sigh.

You know what is creepy? When people on commercials smile when they are talking. That is just so fucking unnatural that it is creepy. What kind of director lets an actor do that (the kind of director that is destined to never progress into the directing of anything more meaningful than a commercial)? And yes, I wrote this after watching Marissa on a skin-product commercial.

Seth stole 2 of my favorite lines: "I'll wait" and "I'll fight a girl." Son of a bitch. PS I am no fan of Ryan, but I gotta say, he had every right to yell at Marissa and at Alex for trying to defend her, for that matter. Go Ryan. And I am seriously gonna throw up if Marissa and Alex end up getting together. That is just so cheesy.

Do you ever have days where you feel like you just didn’t have enough dairy?

By: Justin