It's really hard to masturbate when you are crying.

The best is when you are reading a book with a random title and there is a brief one or two sentence excerpt which uses/explains the title, and it makes you smile and you reach that next level of connection, or, "getting it."

Ron Jeremy has a TV show! Ron Jeremy has a TV show! Outstanding.

People answer, respond, reply, counter, and talk back plenty, but nothing beats a good retort.

Guarans that Seth and Summer will do it. I don't care if it takes a week or a whole season. It is gonna happen. PS Thank you Ryan for finally hitting Oliver. That slimey maggot deserved it times a whole lot.

What is the name of the ear nub? Fools get that pierced. Which is cool.

Fayd's Evolutional Theory: If an alien race were to find two artifacts of American culture and they were porno tapes--ones with dates of production on them (one from the 70s and one from the 90s)--they would deduce that in the 20 years between the 70s and the 90s, humankind evolved from a hairy, bushy, fur all over the place race to a hairless, streamlined race (not to mention the questions they'd have about the evolution of the size, shape, and buoyancy of females' breasts). They'd probably think that we were dolphins by 2020.

You know how everybody thinks their "partner" is smart? Now mathematically that just can't be true. And when you are talking about a friend's "partner," and they ask you what you think of them, it can be hard to be diplomatic (aka lie).

It pisses me off when people get tostadas and don't eat the shell. What's the point? The only reason I ever get a tostada is so that I can eat the shell. Otherwise I would just get a plato. Have I ever told you about my beans, cheese, and avocado tostadas? Grouse. That, my friend, is a custom order.

Sometimes you're not stupid; sometimes it's just a stupid rule.

It's versus its: it's easy folks. Just replace it's (or its) with it is, and if it works, voila, it's. If it doesn't, it's its. It ain't brain surgery.

Spell check is a great thing. I don't use it too often, but it is a great thing. Grammar check, on the other hand, is bullshit. The computer may be real smart, but it can't deal with complex sentences.

We have Ps and Qs; computers have 1s and 0s.

*rimshot*

Is there anything better than the cigarette that you smoke when you are finishing a great book? I don't think so. Because of its less common nature, I think it is an automatic double.

Ever notice how Hawkeye must be drunk at least half the time he is in surgery? Good times...

The worst is when a public bathroom has those hand blow dryers instead of paper towels. I actually have a lot to say on this subject. First of all, those hand blow dryers suck balls. I would rather wipe my hands on my pants to dry them than rub them together under air for 15 minutes. In fact, if I know that the bathroom doesn't have paper towels, odds are I am not even going to wash my hands. And if I ain't going to wash my hands, I ain't gonna flush the toilet either (I will kick flush a toilet but I will not use my hand for a urinal). So you see the chain reaction? Merits mentioning that I also usually don't wash my hands when there is a bathroom attendant. Too much pressure. On the flipside, I used to see people who would use a paper towel to open the bathroom door and think that they were freaks, but now (when paper towels are available) I almost always use one to open the bathroom door when I am about to leave. One day it just started making sense to me.

I want a girl to sing my theme song after we do it.

Conjugal visits: are they for real? Other than the whole cornhole/trade you for a pack of cigarettes, the prison thing doesn't sound so bad. 3 meals a day, get to play basketball, read books, watch cable TV, and the blessed conjugal visits. How often do you get them? Talk about motivation towards good behavior.

So why doesn't a duck's quack echo?

You know who got me so hot when I was a kid? The chick from Superman II, the pale, black-haired woman from the ring thing (she had 2 evil male counterparts). She wore all black and was really evil and stuff. She messed people up. I remember one scene where she was on the moon (she didn't need the astronaut garb) and she confronted some poor innocent astronaut that was up there and she like toyed with him and then ripped off his breathing apparatus/air hose. She was so sassy and powerful. Hubba hubba.

Couples therapy=reliving every argument you have. Which is totally awesome.

When you are reading a book, do you ever get confused when 2 people are having rapid short dialogue and you have to go back and count the indented lines to figure out who is saying what (like assigning the people to odd and even numbers)? Good times...

What do you call it/is there an official name for when the heat seems to rise up like a wet something off of the concrete/asphalt on hot ass days? That is so cool.

KFC can't call it chicken anymore cuz it is so genetically mutated. Gross.

In my head, I hear that ESPN guy--Al Michaels--saying, "He could go all...the...way" when I'm finishing the burrito.

You shoot for the stars, and you hit the roof...

BTW: Infinite Jest taught me a wonderful new phrase: Dento-Dermal=skin of my teeth. If only the book were 1 page (instead of like 1100), it would have been a pleasure to read.

So RR was at some party with Don Benzo and Sage and some attractive female friend of Benzo, after meeting RR, told Benzo that she thought he was cute (or something). So Benzo tells RR and then RR goes over to her to spit game, but just a minute after they start talking, some female friend of the female comes by and started talking with the female RR was trying to mack. So RR just stood there for like 5+ minutes while the girls talked (getting frustrated. RR=not the most patient guy=instant gratification guy). Then when the other girl finally left, RR said to her, "So you are into chicks?" So she turns around and walks away, walking by Benzo and stopping just long enough to say, "Your friend blew it." Good times.

Guatemalan coffee is my favorite. I know you care...

Do you use the right or left shift key or both? I only use the left side shift key. And I only space bar with my left thumb. My left hand types faster (no jokes--that's not even the hand I use for that). And and always comes out nad cuz of it. Which makes me giggly.

The first CD pressed in America was Bruce Springsteen's Born in the USA.

by Justin