Last night kind of sucked for a while. I was in a bad ass mood. Jenn came in and asked me if her pupils were dilated, and though I don’t recall saying it (drinking heavily), she told me that I replied, "Don’t ask me. I'm a woman hater."

There was a girl who brought her pug onto Elimidate (it was no Nixon), and she asked one of the guys that was on the date with her if he thought it was weird how much affection she showed her dog (she let it kiss her open-mouth--a lot--ew), and he said, "Obviously you are single and kind of lonely. Better to like get a dog for company than to go sleep around with a lot of guys." She like earnestly nodded her approval.

I just saw this life insurance commercial with this old-ass lady who was all hugging on a parking meter and shit and said, "Wouldn’t it be great if life was just like this parking meter? You could just keep putting money in it and live forever. But you can't..." Good times.

We were talking about how disgusting opossums are, and I was saying I would rather kill an opossum than touch one. Bert was all, "What about an armadillo?" To which, with great vigor, I replied, "I'd fuck an armadillo before I would touch an opossum." Opossums are dis gus ting.

You know what is weird? At every taqueria I go to, I whore out on the salsa on my burrito (suiza, etc). But when I go to Gordos, they don’t have salsa out at all, so I eat their burritos with no supplemental salsa. Does that mean something?

The Great Dark Side Turkey Fiasco: I guess the whole East Bay pretty much ran out of turkeys and stuff right before Thanksgiving. So Niko had to drive all the way to Richmond to get a turkey, and all they had were turkeys that had no legs. The End.

Tell me your thoughts about butter.

They say they put a man on the moon...Ain't no gravity up there. You get high, you won't never come down.

Remember when light-colored blue jeans were cool? As in, past tense...What was that other kind of jeans that were cool that were like blue-with-white-speckles? Were they acid-washed or something like that?

You may or may not know that last year RR broke his pinky. Long story short, he was cutting off his mullet and his hair clippers jammed and broke and he got so upset that he hit a wall, thereby breaking his pinky. Dude needed a cast that went all the way up to his elbow, basically. I'd gone home to LA for a long visit and he still had the cast on. It looked pretty gray and dirty, and I basically said as much. He said he knew. It also smelled a little bit on the ripe side. He said he knew. He said that it was coming off in 2 weeks and that he didn’t think his doctor would want to bother cutting this one off and put on a new one for just the last 2 weeks. I suggested that maybe he decorate it or something so it didn’t look so ugly, and I'm not sure whose idea it was, but he decided to wrap up the cast in duct tape. Which actually looked pretty tough that first day. The next morning, however, when he woke up he called for me to come into his room. I went in there and was immediately struck (down) by the smell of dead, rotting animal. It was the cast. It had a sheen of perspiration around the outside of the duct tape (funny, I knew at the time that duct tape would stop the cast from breathing, but I don’t know if I'd said it aloud to him in warning or if I'd just kept the thought to myself. Good times). It was totally slimy with sweat. The duct tape had to come off; that cast needed to breath/air out (so did his room). Unfortunately, unpeeling that sticky, adhesive duct tape didn’t do much in the way of the aesthetic value of the cast, and the smell brought about by the duct tape never did fully dissipate. Needless to say, RR didn’t get laid those 2 weeks...though he was able to create space for himself in crowds and make me run away from him by simply moving the cast in my direction with the seeming intent of touching me with it.

Any time I see someone in a new Corvette I feel like shouting obscenities at them. You went out and spent all that money (how much, I don’t know. But I bet it's a lot...Toups?) on a fucking Corvette? You should have taken all that money and bought some taste. Wanker.

The worst part about doing laundry? The putting back on of the duvet. I don’t know about you, but that is another one of those reasons why I sometimes postpone laundry day. Just the idea of having to put that duvet back on is totally intimidating. The one I have now is a king-size too, so it is hella hard (in college I had one that wasn’t that difficult). I literally have to climb into the opening of my duvet cover and, whilst basically laying on my bed, stretch out my arms while holding 2 ends of the duvet and trying to put them in the far corners of the duvet. It gets like hot in there and stuff. I start getting all riled up and sweaty. Then I have to come out of the duvet cover and jam more duvet into it, then go back in and help it to the corners. Then I have to go to the edges from the outside and help get them all the way settled and shake the shit out of it until it all ends up where it is supposed to be. In the interim there are feathers flying all over the fucking place and I blew right past nose sweat like 3 minutes before. Argh. The plus side is that the bed is all nice and clean so I can take a nap on it after all that hard work.

One of the most disputed questions of all time: milk or dark chocolate? Both have their time and their place. Sometimes I am in the mood for fast melting, creamy milk chocolate. Other times I am fiending the unadulterated richness of the pure shit. The ideal, however, is dark chocolate on a hot day. It softens up a bit and it's real nice.

6 shooter=guitar. Cool, huh?

2 EOCisms, cuz why not:
We were talking about mole sauces and EOC was all, "I love that stuff. I wanna go to France." We were all talking, and I was saying something about Bert and I was all, "...BB..." and she was all, "What's BB?" And I was all, "Bert Berry, duh." Then she was all, "I knew that." Then I was all, "Then why did you ask?" Then she was all, "..."

Dude. I was at lunch at Kanters (pastrami on rye, Swiss cheese) with uncle Robert, ma, and grandma, and I was talking and my uncle started laughing and he was all, "You just called your grandmother 'dude.'" Good times.

*Blow little windmills, blow*

What is up with the new men's designer body spray market? That shit is ridiculous. And those commercials...shiiiiit. Cheeseballs.

Chris quit smoking cigarettes just the other day. He was lamenting the poor timing of how he quit just before New Year's Eve and how he would be drinking (bigtime) and really want to smoke. In an effort to make him feel better, I said, "You drink too much to ever really have it be a good time to quit." Unfortunately I don’t think it made him feel better.

Scare Tactics: When I was a kid, my mama never let me go in Jacuzzis. She said that they were too hot and that they would make me infertile. Which totally sucks, cuz my grandparents had a Jacuzzi at their condo and I always used to wanna get on it. They never let me. And Jacuzzis are big pimpin (though the nose sweat factor is high). When I was home in LA over the holidays, my mama gave me the next generation of infertility threats. She told me to be careful not to use the laptop as a laptop device because it too can cause infertility. I guess the lady can't wait to be a grandmother, or something.

By: Justin