If you wanted to fix the problem with fraud in this country, a good starting place would be to blow up every check- cashing place in the world. Hell, you might even get a few crackheads in the blast...Seriously though, in the bad parts of the city, the shadiest looking people come pouring in and out of these establishments at all hours.

Who would win in a fight: Matlock or the Murder She Wrote chick? What if they fucked? Had a 3 way with Perry Mason? Would they have babies that only old people liked?

The best text message exchange of all time:
sage: I just got fishing poles. We should go soon.
me: I'm still a little sunburned, but my dick feels great. Let's party!

Sometimes I take pictures of my wiener with my cell phone when I am jacking off so that I can look at pictures of my dick while I am doing it. It offers a 3rd person perspective and allows me to express my artistic creativity.

I could text some to you if you are interested...

You know what makes me nuts? When you ask a place for a side of something--salsa, mayonnaise, whatever--and they only fill the cup up like halfway. Hey asshole, I wouldn’t need to bug you for 12 cups if you'd just fill those little fucking cups up all the way (then I'd only need 6).

Do guys that fuck sheep go around looking for the females? Is it hard to tell whether they are females or males when it is dark and they are drunk? Do they always use the same sheep? Maybe they go out and buy the sheep a little scarf or something so everyone knows whose sheep that is (and/or to make said sheep more easily recognizable during said drunk/dark situation). And if they do look for females, does that mean that they use the vagina? I kind of always imagined that when people did it with farm animals, they just stuck it in their butts. If only there were a dirty wikipedia...

Now that we are talking about sex and stuff...you know how they have handwriting analysis, and experts are supposed to be able to tell all about your personality based on aspects of your handwriting? Well what if they had porno analysis, where they could tell stuff about your personality based on what kind of porn you liked. That would be cool. Depending on what it came up with for me. Not that I watch porn or anything...

This might be the greatest thing I've ever heard of. Sara and Leah's dad, Frank, keeps his butter in the freezer. When they first told me that, I thought that Frank must be retarded. That is the exact opposite of how butter ought to be. But then they dropped this verb on me: Frank grates the butter when he uses it. Is that not the coolest thing ever?

I told you about how Mikey and I were looking for an authentic Mexican restaurant and we found one and got all kinds of nasty...what I forgot to mention (thank god for the voicememo) was that we'd asked for water like twice, but it never came. After a while I looked around and, noticing that nobody else had water, mentioned it to Mikey. He said, "Damn. It's so authentic that they don’t even serve water." That was a good one...

I don’t know how concrete your concrete is...

Do you think a skinny person gets better gas mileage than a fat person? I mean, I'm sure it wouldn’t be much in the per gallon realm, but over the course of a long lifetime, that shit could add up. I wonder if America weren’t facing such a huge obesity problem, would gas be like 4 cents cheaper a gallon? Would we even have a problem with global warming?

I know that people take Viagra for when they want to do it, but what if a guy is lonely and doesn’t ever get any and also can't get a boner? My question: do some people take Viagra in order to be able to jack off?

Ken's Guide to Viewing Films: "If you don’t like it, turn it off. If you do like it, leave it on." He makes it all sound so simple...

My newest million dollar idea: You have a website where the user ranks like 30 movies on a scale of 1-10, and then they submit their results and the site crosschecks their ratings against a giant database of all the major film critics out there. In the end, it shows the user with which film critic they have the most in common, thereby giving the person a much better idea of whose advice to follow (if you know how to follow advice. I'll work on a website for that later).

My backup plan million dollar idea: Go to all the gyms in the world and, using the principles of a windmill, turn the treadmills, rowing machines (do people even use those anymore?), exercise bicycles (hello, spinning classes), elliptical machines, and stairmasters into energy-generating machines. That would be cool. Except that some of those things actually need to be plugged in. No, fuck that...because some of those things need to be plugged in.

Remember when we were in high school and we would play games like, "If you could do it with all of the girls on any one page of the yearbook, which page would you pick?" Sigh, the simplicity of childhood.

You know what is a really good verb? To intimate. I should make a concerted effort to intimate more things to people.

Have you ever had to play that "2 truths and a lie" game? I hate that fucking game. I was forced to play it the other day, however, and I was quite pleased with my statements:
I like big butts and I cannot lie
I love oatmeal cookies
I got pooped on by a bird when I was en route to losing my virginity

I kind of thought about replacing "the lie" with "I am not technically a human. I bet somebody would fall for that, and it sounds cool.

I had a student who read Maus, the Holocaust graphic novel where the characters are mice, for his outside reading project. The assignment included getting dressed up as the person, and since the protagonist was a businessman mouse, the student came in a shirt and tie. He also had a yellow Star of David made out of construction paper pinned to his shirt. I was taking pictures of the kids dressed up, so when it was his turn, before his speech, I went to take the picture, but he was trying to hide. I told him that the sooner he let me take the picture, the sooner he could do his speech and then no longer have to be in front of the class. This girl in the front row said to me, "Careful. Don't tease him too much or he will arrest you." It took me a second to figure out what the hell she was talking about--then I got it. Good times.

One thing that I have always wondered about is the whole shoes-on-the-telephone-wire thing. I know that they are supposed to signify that that is a location to acquire drugs, but my question is how the fuck do they get the shoes up on the wire? Some of those wires with the shoes hanging on them are way the fuck up there. I assume that the shoe-throwers wait until the middle of the night to do it, but are they there for like fucking hours trying to get the shoes on the wire? Is it not as hard as it sounds? It sounds pretty hard. Are there specialists--contract workers--who provide this service for local drug dealers? I would love to find out more about this. If you have any information, please email me.

Blue Ray versus HD=blue laser versus red laser. And you know those 2 cliques got hella-beef and are fighting for exclusivity. My question: do their respective lawyers wear "colors" in court and at meetings? Represent. Oi, some Bloods and Crips style shit.

"It's easy to be a prude when you aren’t attracted to him."
--unknown female friend whose name didn’t go on the voicememo

If you're smart, it's easy to see when people are dumb. I can't help but wonder though: if you are dumb, do you just think that everybody is smart?

by Justin
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