Should we take a minute to engage in the restrictor plate debate?

I really have to apologize to you. It was over a month ago that it happened. It was weeks ago that I promised that I was going to tell you about it. I suck. But you know what doesn’t suck? The blessed dead animal style french fries. I have had them. They are some new shit and some next level shit. In case you forgot, dead animal style french fries were created by me, and consist of an order of animal style french fries (fries, cheese, spread, and grilled onions served in the traditional fry-boat) with a meat patty in the mix. Now before you go rushing out to cheesepockets to order some, I have to tell you that they will have never heard of dead animal style fries. Furthermore, after telling Chris about it, he tried to order some, describing it to the counter girl, and she said that they weren’t allowed to do it. See I gots some ins and cheesepockets (oi, get it), so I was able to make it happen. And they chopped up the meat patty too, which was bomb. Check out this picture of the blessed dead animal style french fries, because seeing is believing. They were soooooo good, and quite filling.

So Jews' 2 biggest weaknesses are the lower back area (the pyramids didn’t build themselves, you know) and the ear tubes. You see, the ear tubes descend during childhood, and for an inordinate amount of Jews, the ear tubes do not descend naturally. This causes a susceptibility to painful ear infections and can require surgery. I suffered this infliction as a child (surgery not necessary) and still suffer tender ear tubes to this day. Every time I fly on planes, my hearing is fuzzy and crackly (and my ears hurt) for 2-3 days after the flight. You know what nips that fuzzy/crackly shit in the bud though? Antihistamine nose sprays like Afrin. Shit makes for some smooth sailing.

Are those scary German Sheppard dogs at the airport specialized dogs or all-purpose dogs? That is, are they bomb sniffing or drug sniffing dogs or are they both? Do the police have dogs that specialize in certain kinds of drugs? If the dogs are specialists, I would imagine that there are a lot of airport drug dogs that are out of work these days as the focus shifts toward bomb/explosive sniffing dogs.

I hate dogs.

You see these giant hunks of shit on the sidewalk, especially in the City, and how can you not hate dogs (or is that dog owners?). That shit will oftentimes stay on the sidewalk for like a fucking week or more as it slowly decomposes. You can only hope that it is winter and that some rains will help you out. Dogs are just dirty creatures. Make it unsafe to go frolic at a goddamn park. A goddamn park. Man, you should be able to go up in a grassy park and play catch, play volleyball, play fucking football for Christ's sake, without having to be afraid of stepping in a giant pile of dogshit. I fucking hate that shit.

CFDFSF (though Niko, our founding father, has relocated to the East Bay and we have never really discussed the ramifications of this on the organization).

I was just lamenting the other day about how I will probably never have sex with another virgin again for the rest of my life. You probably won't either.

Isn't it weird how will not=won't, not willn't? What other contractions are like that?

On my flight from Oakland to LA last week, I had my second flight ever with Raiderettes on board. So I may not get another virgin, but at least I got that going for me, which is nice.

Which reminds me. Jet Blue is the fucking Reese's Fast Break of the airline scene. Some new shit. A bad motherfucker. And they got chocolate too. It was my first time flying Jet Blue, and although it was my flight back north (my flight south was on United with the Raiderettes), it was totally sweet and I highly recommend Jet Blue. Thank you.

OK, the best parts about Jet Blue: gotta start with legroom. There was seriously more legroom in just the standard seats than in any other plane I've ever been on. Which leads me to the leather seats. DirecTV was totally chill to have as well. The plane was nice and new, not all old and 80sed out. The flight attendants were not disgustingly nice by any means, but they were cool. Which is better anyway. And you know how on most airlines these days you are lucky to get a bag of shitty pretzels on the flight? On Jet Blue you have your options of snacks, options that include smoked almonds, soft-bake chocolate chip cookies (biatch), Doritos-like chips, Goldfish crackers, animal crackers, and a few other things. They totally encouraged passengers to ask for more than one--I went one bag of almonds and one pack of the soft-bake chocolate chip cookies (biatch). Mixing and matching. Sweet and savory. The surf and turf of the snack world. Or something. Anyway, and I really thought this was great too; as soon as the plane was relatively leveled off--you know, enough so that the flight attendants were allowed to get up--the flight attendants started walking down the aisles with trays full of little half-sized bottles of water for anyone who wanted one. Genius! Playing to my water passions. Did you know that your body dehydrates like 7 times faster on an airplane? Shiiit. And did I mention that my flight was only 45 bucks after airline taxes and all that? They came on the PA as the plane was taxiing back to the arrival gate and said, "One of the ways that we are able to offer low fares is by having quick turnaround times to our next flights with the same aircraft. Because of this, we would appreciate it if you could throw away your trash as we come by [with trash bags]." And the way they said it and the quality that I'd enjoyed actually compelled me to go out of my way to make sure my seating area was all-the-way straight (normally I am neither a pig nor an overcleaner of my seat area).

My ex-ex-girlfriend, Lovey, used to regularly say, "Be here now." That shit drove me crazy. I was thinking the other day about it, and this made me laugh: the past tense of "be here now" is "be there then." Good times...

The average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

JA Adande on the legendary Jim Brown:
"Sometimes the greatest titans stumble over the debris they scatter through the course of their lives." Now that is fuckin sweet.

I was talking with Mary the other day, and she was talking about wanting to open up a bar and stuff. I thought that was pretty cool. Her big conundrum was, what to call it. I was flabbergasted. I've thought plenty about what to call my band (not that I have one), my album (hard to actually make without any musical talent or a band), my future children, and my penis, but never about what to call a bar. Great fucking question. What would be a cool bar name? The Skanky Wench?

Having dinner with Ken the other night, and he was all (to me), "You're a pussy. P U S S E." So I was all, "Pussy is spelled P U S S Y. Not with an E." He was all, "Y. Cuz you like it."

T-shirt idea alert: JESUS IS MY CHEESE.

Remember how I complained about how weaksauce that whole little-braids-put-together-into-2-pigtails thing that some NBA ballers rock? Check this out: "Man, I couldn’t keep a straight face the entire game. Every time I’d look up at the guy I would burst out laughing. That’s not fair. How am I supposed to defend somebody like that? The league should make him get a less ridiculous haircut, before he goes out and drops 65 on someone."--Lamar Odom on Latrell Sprewell's hair.

The fucking pits is when you go to use a public bathroom and you go to wash your hands and the water pressure is all mad crazy and it sprays all over the place and gets all on the crotch area of your pants and shows. I don’t know if it is because I am tall, but that shit happens to me kinda often. I grab a paper towel and try to blot to expedite drying, but I basically have to walk out of the bathroom sort of looking like I pissed myself (and continue to look so for another few minutes as the pants dry).

When I was a kid, I used to imagine that one day I would work in a really nice restaurant and I would save money and eat like a king by just eating all the leftovers from patrons' plates.

I also always thought it was superfuckingcool how in Cannery Row, Mac's one friend that was a bartender would pour all the cocktail leftovers into a big old jug and bring it back to drink with Mac and the boys after work. And how he figured out how to make it better by separating the beer leftovers from all the other types of drinks leftovers. Which makes sense.

By: Justin