I saw that Dodger's Stadium is offering a new seating option: the all-you-can-eat section. In one of the pavilions they are actually making a section that will cost a little extra, and in exchange patrons will be able to receive as much soda and as many hot dogs and peanuts as they can consume. What a bizarre idea to get all-you-can-eat at a ballgame. I'm not even sure what to say about it. I think I need writers...

What would you rather be, a pirate or a cowboy? I think that being either would be really cool, but if I had to choose...it would be tough. Pirates get to see more places and stuff. They seem dirtier though. Cowboys get to go to saloons. I've neither been on a lot of boats nor a lot of horses though, so I can't say for sure what would be the better fit for me.

When Ken said goodbye to me the last time we hung out, he was a little sauced* and he said, "I've had the best times with you my whole life." Good times...

*the dreaded finger-quotes

He also said, "There's more to boobs than just size. They gotta let you touch them too." Or maybe I said that. It was the same night and I sound a little indecipherably slurred on my voice memo.

You know how lime is the official squeeze for a vodka tonic? Well I don’t usually drink beer or anything, but I think that the official squeeze for beer should be bacon. Is it just me, or would that be tasty? Could you order a beer with 2 slices? Bacon doesn’t grow on trees, you know.

While we're talking about beer, you know what I don’t get? Bottled beer is better than canned beer, right? But Guiness in a can is greater than (>) Guiness in a bottle. As Cliff would say, "What's up with that?"

I am just sick and tired of the whole blind-people-walking-down-the-street-fronting-like-they-are-blind-when-they-must-be-able-to-see-they-are-barely-using-that-candy-cane thing. I know that our scary-old-lady-next-door-neighbor (it-isn't-just-a-cliché), Ms. Crabtree, was legally blind, but she could always see us when we were in our backyard. Or was that her backyard? Regardless, she was legally blind but she wasn’t really blind at all. I think they just do it so that they can get better parking spots.

Only girls own movie soundtracks. Isn't that weird? Fascinating, really. I mean, there are some girls who don't own any, and plenty of guys own a few, but there are some girls who own like a lot. Is it because they like the variety? or the way it conjures up the emotions that they felt during the corresponding scenes of the movie? Heh. The few soundtracks I've had in my life: Say Anything, Ghostdog, Singles.

Normally we think of sex as interpersonal relations, but really sex is like intrapersonal relations. Think about it...

"Her butt was like a Batman cartoon: 'POW...BOOM...BAP.'"
JR

The perfect girlfriend will let you tie your jacket around her waist at shows and stuff. Even if it means that she has to coat check hers.

I've talked in the past about the embarrassing, self-esteem lowering nightmare that is trying to sell used clothes. Well, fresh off my first ever victorious clothes selling trip, I have a new strategy. I just sold almost 3/4 of a giant garbage bag of clothes at Buffalo Exchange, and the secret to my success: selling to the gay guy. All I had to do was chat him up a bit, flirt a bit, and he bought tons of my stuff. Girls have been using flirting to get all sorts of stuff forever; it is rare that a guy is given the opportunity to use his charms in anything like a similar manner, but I do highly recommend it when available. Besides, who doesn’t like to flirt?

I am 31 years old now, and one phenomenon that I have to say still weirds me out is men who wear suits on airplanes. When I am flying, I try to wear the most comfortable clothes I can find. If I were getting straight off the plane to go to a meeting, then I could understand the need to be dressed up all-the-way (although personally I would still dress casually and change on the way). But there is no way that all those guys in suits on planes are headed straight to meetings. Are they just that beaten down by life?

You know you're lazy and antisocial when the first time you actually turn the ringer back on on your phone is at 4:45 PM on a Sunday, and only then so that you can use the alarm on your phone for the nap you are about to take.

I hate that shitty phone design--that I can't use the alarm unless the ringer is on. And I don’t get people that don’t turn the ringer off on their phone when they go to nap/sleep. When I call them and wake them up, I don’t feel bad at all for waking them up; I feel bad that they are so dumb that they didn’t turn the ringer off.

Just so we are all on the same page here: you apostrophize before the decade if you drop the century (e.g., I heart the '70s=1970s), but you don't apostrophize after the year, pre-S, unless you are actually assigning possession to the decade (e.g., the polyster '70's style=the polyster styles of the '70s). OK?

I love a nice cloth napkin, don’t get me wrong, but do you know what annoys the fuck out of me? When I am at a nice restaurant that has cloth napkins and I get up to smoke or pee and put my napkin on the table in front of me, and when I return my napkin is folded neatly in the "proper" place. Dude, that's my napkin. Why the hell would I want some stranger to touch my napkin, the thing that I am going to use to wipe the corners of my mouth. Gross out. Sometimes I wish that I could put one of those hotel door knob signs on my napkin when I get up: Do Not Disturb.

When I was in high school and I took traffic school once, I remember the instructor was a cop and he said that sometimes cops don’t even really look to see if you make a complete stop at a stop sign; sometimes they just look to see if your head goes forward. I think about that sometimes when I am rolling through a stop sign, and I throw my head forward exaggeratedly.

I am getting so out of shape. I went out and bought an elliptical machine so that I could get some exercise a bit easier, on my own schedule. The problem is that I teach and mentor and coach kids all day, get home late, and have to lesson plan and grade. By the time I am done with all that, all I wanna do is sit on my ass. So I was wondering: could I bring the elliptical machine into the classroom? I could facilitate class discussions while riding the elliptical machine. Hell, I am a good multi-tasker. I could kill 2 birds...

I usually recycle. I really do. But I am not some anal person who always recycles everything that can be recycled. Sometimes I am lazy. Sometimes I space out. What I fucking hate is some fuckwad who, when I throw something away that I could have recycled, says to me, "You should really recycle that." You should really eat my ass. If recycling means so fucking much to you, then why don’t you go fish that plastic bottle out of the trash and put it in the recycling bin, you god damn hippie.

You know what sucks my balls? Back in 15 minutes signs. 15 minutes from when, asshole? I mean, those are the ambiguous signs that slackers use when they are going to be gone for 45 minutes. Fucking fuckers.

Do you ever get frustrated about how you can't text or email that oooooooooh noise, like for fireworks, because it comes off like oooooooooh, like, "I see." I sure do. If I texted you uuuuuuuuuuuh, you would think I was weird. Or "slow." Or impersonating Butthead.

Apparently ponies do not equal horses. I always thought they did. It turns out that ponies are young horses. Merits mentioning that they are not simply small horses, because they grow. Like puppies. Maybe I should be a pirate.

Did you see the trailer for the new horse movie?

Sorry.

Running for the bus ends in one of two extremes: either you get full validation for running for the bus because you get on the bus, or you end up feeling like a total schmuck for having run for the bus and not having gotten on it. Then you feel like a tool.

Jenn's Mom Is So Cheap: A part of her childhood was sponsored by Denny's. Jenn's mom, who was a teacher, would take summer jobs at Denny's as a waitress, and she would bring home "food" from work regularly. She would feed this food to her kids. The problem is that this was not the employee's meal in a styrofoam box that she would bring home, it would be like random bits of food, like slices of bacon or quarters of sandwiches, and they would be wrapped in napkins. Apparently she would actually take the leftovers that patrons didn’t finish when their plates were cleared, wrap them up, and take them home for the family. Ew. No wonder JC has some issues around eating leftovers sometimes.

This week's that guy has just about no trivia information at all. So I will just get right to it. Films include:
Fun with Dick and Jane
I Heart Huckabees
Cheaper by the Dozen
Stealing Harvard
Changing Lanes
One Night at McCool's
Me, Myself, and Irene
Random Hearts
Snow Falling on Cedars
There's Something About Mary
Flirting with Disaster
The Mod Squad
Absolute Power
The Indian in the Cupboard
Wolf
And the Band Played On
It Could Happen to You
Sea of Love
Blue Steel
How I Got Into College
The Witches of Eastwick
The Manhattan Project
Hannah and Her Sisters
Silverado

by Justin
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