You know what shit is the bomb? Airborne. If I wasn’t poor and lazy, I would buy me some stock in that shit. And it is made by a school teacher. Which makes sense seeing as how there are so many germs in schools. The only problem is, made by a school teacher? What, an AP Science teacher at a science magnet school? Hmmm...fishy.

Mmmmm, effervescent.

When I was a kid, Ken's favorite thing to say to me was, "The best part of you ran down the side of my leg." That is a good one, Ken.

I had a dream the other night that Magnum and Knight Rider were working together to fight crime and stuff. And they had a hovercraft. Sweet.

Do you ever just feel like telling someone that they don’t chew gum attractively? This could be a stranger or a friend, but you just kinda want to tell them, "Hey, the whole gum chewing thing just isn’t a good look for you." It can get kind of gross, you know?

How many cups do you have in your bedroom right now? When I was a kid I was the worst cup-horder of all time. I would have 5-10 drinking cups in my room at any given time. I know it drove my parents nuts. I have scaled it back quite a bit, as I have become a mature adult. I now usually have 2-4 cups in my room at any given time.

What about those "Speed Enforced By Airplane" signs you see on the freeway? Has anyone ever actually gotten a ticket via one of those things? Do they just take a picture of your license plate and mail you a ticket? That sounds like some urban legend fear-based shit to me (and yes, I smell Nielson Box all over this one).

I never actually mentioned this to you before, but I do have to say that, having gone through a teaching credential program, it is scary some of the people that we are allowing to work with the future of America. Really fucking scary, folks.

No, I am not one of them. I am well-adjusted in comparison.

So now Allison tries to validate Bert for saying that seeing Coach Carter would be a waste of my time. But here is the thing. I love basketball. Even a mediocre basketball movie will make Mr. Justin a very, very happy camper. Dude, I even loved that old Robby Benson movie, One on One. I loved Love and Basketball (awesome movie, actually), Hoosiers, The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh, and like other basketball movies. So there.

Amber and I were picking missed pieces of popcorn off of each other, and she said "We have to look out for each other." I replied, "Yeah. We have to be each others eyes and…ears." Oi, get it?

My ma is infamous for "hiding" important things so that they don’t get lost. Documents, jewelry, CDs, chocolate, photographs, whatever. The thing is, she can't never remember where she puts these things (and yet she continues to put them in obscure places and forget where they are). I was teasing her for not having been able to find something the other day and she admitted to me that sometimes she keeps a little list of all the things that she has stashed away but can't find. Cuz she says that she will often find other things that she's been missing whilst looking for something else. But she fails to properly note that she saw them in passing. So keeping a list allows her to be conscious and keep track of all the things that she has, um, misplaced. That is the type of strategy that, for better or worse, gets passed down from mother to son.

I have a gift for you. When I was an office worker, I played a whole lot of this game. You receive exponentially more points for the more marbles of the same color you can get together. It really helped me to get through some rough/bored patches in the office. My highest score ever was 2034, and since you will probably never do that well, I will tell you that the praise that comes with that score is "You were a speed demon." Booya.

Post Script: I just got a 2304 and it said: "Is your mouse smoking!?" I rule.

When I am playing ball, I get all sweaty and stuff. Sometimes the nasal juices get loosened up a bit. When this happens, I blow my nose right on my shirt. How is that for hardcore? Actually it is interesting, because I am not one of those people that has to blow their nose in general. The only times I ever have to blow my nose are A) if I have a cold, B) sometimes when I play ball, or C) when your mom cooks me extra spicy food.

Could you feel the "your mom" thing coming on that one? I feel like you should have.

Nathan had to tell Hayley that he lost his virginity to her sister. He waited to tell her when she was at work. Smart, except that he is married to her, which means that he was only postponing her expressing her pissedoffedness.

One thing I always thought about The Goonies: fuck the marble bag, I would have swam after One-Eyed Willie's pirate ship. That was where all the loot was at yo. This always confused me as a kid. Shouldn’t the goonies have dibs on the boat? They did all the work. And imagine how much plastic surgery Sloth could have afforded with his share.

Damn right Sloth deserves a share (although Spielberg hosed Chewbacca, so it is not out of the question that he would hose Sloth).

Dude, that's a good one: who do you think would win in a fight, Chewbacca or Sloth?

"You're gonna live with me now."

You know what baffles me? The whole hone/home thing. I always thought that it was to hone in on something. But you see--in literature--fools homing in on things. What is up with that? What the hell is the difference? Am I wrong or are both right (is it a chef's choice type of thing?).

I guess I know so little about Christianity. I was told that Christians believe that if there is a nun or a priest in your family, the whole (nuclear, I presume) family is guaranteed to get to go to heaven. Wow. No wonder parents would pressure their children to become nuns/priests.

So there are all these equal rights movements re: women in religion, right? (rhetorical) How about for men? If women can become priests and stuff (can they? I know they can become rabbis), shouldn’t men be able to become nuns?

You know what would be good? Bacon brie. Sign me up.

*nose sweat*

Michael Douglass. An enigma. I always think of him as some cheesy dude that the women of my mother's generation swoon over, but who doesn’t translate well to the younger generations.

I don’t think too many people my age ever saw him as a sex object, and he seemingly comes off as rather cheesy. But I was thinking about it, and he has actually made some badass movies. He was in Falling Down and The Game, both of which were not only badass, but also some new shit. He was also in Romancing the Stone, of course. He was in both Basic Instinct and Fatal Attraction. Some respectable stuff in there.

I love to take me some naps. All-the-way. Some people say that it is like disorienting--or something--to take a nap where you go to sleep and it is light and wake up and it is dark (has become evening). I don’t get that at all. What are you people afraid of?

This week's that guy goes to the man most famous as DICK JONES. Ronny Cox could have called it a career, and successfully so, based simply on the strength of having played 2 of the baddest bad guys around: Robocop's Dick Jones and Total Recall's Vilos Cohaagen. But why stop there. He also played Captain Bogomil in Beverly Hills Cop. He appeared in Deliverance (SQUEAL LIKE A PIG, BOY) and St. Elsewhere (in addition to like 60 movies I've never heard of).

St. Elsewhere and LA Law were the first TV shows that my parents let a young Mr. Justin stay up late for.

One of my friends, who shall remain nameless (you know me, protecting the innocent), told me that he looked up the word "fetish" in the dictionary to see if he had one. Sweet.

Jenn said that everyone does the rideshare thing. I said I've never and don’t know anyone who has. She said, "me neither."

This was the PS to the email I sent in response to a craigslist poster offering a ride to LA. PS this is my first rideshare, so i am unfamiliar with etiquette. i'm a credentialed teacher though, not that that necessarily proves i ain't nutso. are you nutso?

I would like to dedicate this one to Mr. Ernie Bigglesworth, one of the best cats a guy could ever meet. He was a lover and a fighter, and he loved to be pet. And he drank water by dipping his paw in the water bowl and then drinking the drips off of his paw. His last name might have been Bigglesworth, but he was definitely a Ross. Ernie, I'm sure you are in pussy heaven. Rest in peace.

By: Justin