Here's something I never understood: why do they call it, in sports and medicine, favoring your (for example) right leg when it is your right leg that is hurt? Seems to me that when your right leg is hurt, you would favor your left leg. You know what I mean? I would favor using the leg that isn’t hurt (putting the weight on it, etc).

Wasabi Bloody Mary=grouse. I highly recommend it.

What if TAG body spray and AXE body spray got into a fight? Who would win? I should go buy one of those sprays. In the commercials, guys get so much action because they smell so good. Could you imagine if they made a product for women that made them smell so good that guys would totally be all over them?

*sarcasm*

Now I really, really don’t mean to get my hopes up, but I gotta say that the trailer for the new Star Wars movie (that they showed after The OC) looked pretty fucking dope. I've fallen for this one before though. But dude, it looked so cool. Anakin turning evil and the Emperor morphing into the Emperor and all the Jedis having to fight and stuff...sickass. I was so pumped, I even contemplated watching The Phantom Menace again. Then I realized that that would be the quickest way to get myself unpumped for the new Star Wars movie.

Whenever I see goosebumps I always visualize what it would be like in the caveman era, when people were way hairier. I always envision that when they'd get cold and get goosebumps, all their hair would stand up and they would look like big expanding party favors. That makes me happy.

When you wear a visor, nobody wins. Unless you are trying to make me giggly, that is.

A cold caveman with a visor... I might never stop laughing...

You know what car I always thought would be supercool to own? A Subaru BRAT. Soup that shit up, it would be totally dope. Between the mustache and the BRAT, I would be the man.

A trip down memory lane:
And the robots in their riot gear
Glimmer in my rearview mirror
-Jets To Brazil

I fucking love me some pork, don’t get me wrong. But ham is gross. Baked ham, like Honeybake style=barfo. There are so many beautiful things that you can do with pork. Ham is like mailing it in, I think.

I want to talk about Saturday for a second, ok? JC and I rolled to Rho Park and rocked the blessed batting cages/Cheesepockets combo. I would like to start off by assuaging your fears--I am still the king of the high heat. We threw a $20 into the token machine for maximum bonus tokens; we ended up with 110 tokens, which allowed me to repeatedly say and think, "I've got a whole pile of tokens and I was here first." So that was excellent. Then we rolled to Cheesepockets, and I just have to tell you, not only was my session one of the best I've had in months, but the service was outstanding. This employee-kid was walking around, asking people how things were and JC asked him if they sold the t-shirts on the premises--she wanted to buy one for her dad. The kid said yes. He asked her if she wanted to buy one. She said yes, she would go up to the register when she was done eating. He said that he could bring her one right to the table. He asked what size, she was unsure of whether to get large or extra large. He brought both out to her. She selected the large. He said that if she wanted, he would be happy to take care of it all right there (aka no need to get in line). We were both pretty blown away. She gave him a $10 (the shirts are < 10 bucks), and he came back with change and a receipt for her. How amazing is that service? All right there, at the table, as I was finishing stuffing my modified Flying Dutchman with grilled onions on the bottom bun of my animal style cheeseburger into my mouth. Outstanding.

You know how people are always talking about how many songs they have on their IPODs? Well you could totally pad your IPOD stats if you loaded it up with Guided By Voices songs. Sweet.

I'm allergic to ca... I'm allergic to ca... I'm allergic to ca... I'm allergic to ca...

*sneezes*

Do you even know what that is from?

Since I am here to protect the names of the innocent, I cannot divulge whose affliction this is, but I must tell you about a friend of mine's "quirk." This friend, whom I shall refer to as Sheldon (Sheldon the wonderschlong), believes that it is "unclean" to use a clean bath towel to dry a clean ass crack after a shower. After toweling off all other areas, Sheldon uses toilet paper to blot dry his anal crevice. Is that weird? OCD?

"We can no longer live as rats; we know too much." --The Secret of Nimh.

I feel like there is a lot of wisdom for us in that statement. Maybe too much--I don't know too many people who are as wise as Nicodemus. Eh, whatever. Go America.

A few weeks ago I credited Niko as the founding member of CFDFSF, but I would like to formally acknowledge that I biffed that one. Mike is the founding father. Players fuck up too.

I've got a whole pile of quarters and I was here first. See, that just never gets old.

If you are a shorts-and-socklets kind of guy, like I am, then what with Spring coming and all, it is time to refresh the supply (if you are a pants and socklets kind of guy, boy do we need to talk). I just want to let you know that, although this might sound a little weird, I highly recommend the Costco women's Champion socklets pack. One pair even has baby blue toes (one yellow, the others are all white). I wear a size 11 and they fit me fine. See, ideally, you want those socklets as small as possible; there is nothing worse than trying to rock socklets and showing sock. Then you have to push the socklets back down into your shoes and that makes for an uncomfortable feel and the socklet starts slipping down into your foot and bunching up and stuff and that sucks. So really a woman's socklet is ideal for circumventing all those issues. They are just a bit smaller. Besides, socklets don’t last forever. They get stretched out. And a stretched out socklet is a worthless socklet indeed.

Usually when I say guys I mean everyone, but on that last "guys" I literally meant "males" because I do think that it is okay for girls to wear socklets with pants. I'm not sure why, but it seems different. Or something.

Things I always get at Costco: Megapack of Dove Soap, Ketel One, Smirnoff, megapack of SOLID albacore tuna (Chicken of the Sea is what they usually have; all things being equal I'd pick Starkist but it isn’t that big of a deal), megapack of salami, and rotisserie chicken. I also fiend the smoked salmon but don’t always succumb to my desire for it (I'm unemployed, you know). I actually bought the 12-pack of salmon burgers last trip, based on a thoroughly outstanding sample (god bless the samples).

I have not actually been to this bar, but Brian tells me that Jade Bar (here in SF) actually has 2-way mirrors in the men's bathroom in front of the urinals. If that isn’t the ultimate "people watching," I don’t know what is.

Analyzing requires some anal action.

So if a dude got breast implants and had totally female-looking boobies, could he show them on TV without being pixilated or anything? That would be cool.

I still don't buy/can't stand the whole hitting a big league fastball is the toughest thing in sports. I feel like scoring on an all-NBA defensive player would be harder. Not to mention dunking on one. Tackling an NFL running back? Covering a wide receiver? Returning a 145 mph serve? Running a whole freaking marathon? Playing *hijalai? Besides, I could always bunt.

*Weird. I couldn’t find the proper spelling for hijalai. I even looked through the online index of a "Guide to All Sports" book on Amazon.com. Fuckers. This spelling is provided by Mike, who's spelling attempt, regardless of whether or not it is right, is a whole hell of a lot better than my initial attempt was. Google suggests Himalaya and dictionary.com suggested like 69 things that weren’t it. Argh. And it's funny cuz ever since I was a kid and I saw some special on hijalai and how sweet it is and how people die playing it and stuff, I have always wanted to play. How the fuck will I ever get to play it if I can't even figure out how to spell it, let alone find it.

I don’t know about you, but I go in and out of phases of liking to actually sign my emails. You know what I mean? And what does that mean?

Hoosiers Collector's edition DVD divulges that they originally wanted Jack Nicholson to play the coach instead of Gene "Da Wanker" Hackman. That would have been the greatest movie of all time, hands down, had that happened.

By: Justin