If I didn’t watch One Tree Hill, I wouldn’t know that they had prom dresses in the maternity section. Yeah boy. Did I ever tell you that I went to 2 proms last year? Jealous much? On an unrelated One Tree Hill side note, the best part about this whole season is that they played that sickass Mother Love Bone song a couple of episodes ago. You know, Chloe Dancer Crown of Thorns.

You know what is a great expression that I've been trying to use more lately? Dying on the vine. For example: The OC, once my favorite TV show, is dying on the vine.
PS Since I wrote that, but before I posted this, the show has officially ended. Hallelujah holla back.

Amber and I were talking about how I used to masturbate at work, and she asked me what would make me want to masturbate at work. I said, "Getting paid to masturbate. Also, masturbation itself." It really is its own reward, you know?

There should be a law that you are not allowed to use your cell phone in the fast lane on the freeway because you probably aren’t driving fast enough. Dick. I mean, you know how dumb most people are... Unfortunately, multitasking really just isn’t much of a viable option for most people.

So I've been watching The Wire a lot lately (JC bought the first 3 seasons on DVD), and it's really got me thinking. One of the things that I've been pondering is how the cops take so many photographs all the time as part of the recon and stakeout work. They take tons of photographs. The thing is, they use film cameras to take all these pictures. Which begs the question: where do the cops go to get all these photographs developed? Do they go to Costco (oi, free double prints)? Walgreen's? Somewhere else that we don’t even know about?

I'm not sure that I can effectively put this into words, but do you think that it is better when attractive people masturbate? Follow me here. When you ask them what they did last night, at least they can say that they had sex with an attractive person.

I always like to ask what my options are: The best thing about having options means that you aren’t living in a third world country.

I saw on the internet that people have got a cool term for when older ladies get their boobs souped up: they call it "old lady 'Tommy John surgery.'" Good times.

Remember when email used to be totally fun and stuff? Nowadays it kind of feels like work. Or, better said, by the time that work emails are taken care of, friend emails feel like work. Or something. I don’t know. I just know that I used to get so excited to see who emailed me, but it just doesn’t feel like that anymore.

How come girls never want to talk about the 2 hole as much as I do? What's up with that?
PS Bert and I had this big argument where I thought everybody would know what I mean when I say 2 hole, but Bert thought that most people, especially girls, wouldn’t know. I have been conducting extensive survey research and though I must frustratedly concede that not everyone recognizes "2 hole," most do. Probably 80 percent.

One of the coolest things I've ever seen, and I see it all the time, is in the mornings on the way to school. There is this old man on one of those old people scooters driving down the street, in a traffic lane. Granted it's always at like 7:00 AM, but there are other cars out and stuff. Sometimes I even see old dude make a left turn and everything. Sweet. Puts a hop in my step...

Why don't they make pistachios with the crazy inside color anymore (like they used to?). I'm not sure about the purpose or the process, but I always thought that they looked cool. I can’t remember if they taste any different, but I am inclined to say no.

We think of the way that so many embraced ideas from yesteryear have changed as society and the way people live has changed (yeah, I just reread Brave New World). I was thinking that one area that has been really impacted is the Oedipal Complex with relation to divorce and remarriage. Let's just say, hypothetically, that I wanted to kill my father and sleep with my mother. Ma and Ken are divorced. Ma is marrying Bob--they're already engaged. So am I supposed to kill my birth father (Ken) or new father (Bob)? The idea is that I want to replace my father, but technically my father has already been replaced. I don’t know. Replacing the guy that replaced your father seems like a bit of overkill (plus it's just begging to turn your ma into a whore). Killing Bob seems unfair to him. Ken knew when he had me that part of me would want to kill him, but Bob just wants to be with ma, right? Or does he inherit the whole situation? Fuck it, I guess I just got to kill them both. It's the only way to be sure.

Did you know that That Guy, the janitor from Scrubs, is one of those random characters in Major League? He is like one of the construction workers that give his opinions on the Indians a few times throughout the movie. Good times...

IMDB trivia for him: His "Scrubs" (2001) character has never been named - except possibly once. In episode #309, "My Friend the Doctor", it is revealed that the Janitor played the part of "Transit cop" in The Fugitive (1993), a part that was actually played by Neil Flynn. Because of that, fans have speculated that the Janitor's mysterious name is also Neil Flynn.

The moral of this story: Some Scrubs fans are dorks.

I didn't mean me.

You know how when you have to fart, to make it come out you have to relax some of your muscles for a second? Well every once in a while, if you have to fart and you have to pee, when you relax the right muscles to let the fart come out, a little bit of pee comes out. Does that happen to girls too, or just boys? Sharing is caring.

I always had this idea about those places where girls go to eat brunch outside in the sun sun, scantily clad. I figure I could sneak onto the patio the night before a projected beautiful, sunny day (or any day in LA), and install cameras mounted at the appropriate angles underneath the tables. That would be cool. Of course this coming from a guy whose only digital camera is the one on his 2 year old cell phone, so obviously there are myriad obstacles to the plan coming to fruition. But I'm just throwing it out there.

I haven't seen a whole lot of dicks in my life, not in person anyway. I've seen heaps in porn though, and a lot of them are weird looking. Sometimes they are gray, like what I'd imagine a dead dude's dick would look like. Sometimes they are multicolored or bend funny or change colors halfway or who knows what. Since I am trying to do some research here, please ask your mom for some feedback. Thanks.

Once I became an official English teacher, one thing that I was totally excited to do was watch Dead Poet's Society. That was totally one of my favorite movies when I was younger, and it made me cry like a little girl. So I was super-pumped, ready to bawl my eyes out and be stupid inspired, but you know what happened? I didn’t cry at all. I was fucking pissed. Robin Williams totally let that fucking kid die.* He was the adult and he knew that the kid wanted to act and that his dad wouldn’t let him--it was so fucking obvious that the kid was lying when he said that his dad gave him permission. RW didn’t pull the trigger, but he sure put the kid in a no win situation. A more responsible teacher would feel the problematic nature of the situation and have not handled it the cowardly way out--by simply telling the kid what he wanted to hear.

*Don’t feel too sorry for the kid, he grew up to be House's bitch on the TV show House.

The most engrossing character on TV right now is John Brown, the suspected down syndrome co-star of The White Rapper Show. He describes himself as an "entity," calls himself "Da King of the Burbs," and has the silliest, most addicting catchphrase ever: "Hallelujah holla back." Just brilliant. If you've never seen the show, I will give you 3 guesses as to who the white rapper host of The White Rapper Show is. Serch, the crustbucket from 3rd Bass. The coolest part about the show besides John Brown (JC hates him PS) is that they had Kool Keith on as an elimination judge once. One guess where that episode took place. The strip club. Sweet. Though I am disappointed to have to report that Keith was rather tame. I think he was distracted by the talent.**

**If you thought I meant the white rappers, you're an idiot.

This week's that guy has 2 claims to fame. First, he has starred in TV shows with both Keith David, a total that guy Patrick Swayze wanna be, and David Keith, a superstar that guy who I once featured as part of my homage to the that guy super-ensemble cast of the film Clockers. Second, this week's that guy is responsible for one of the single greatest monologues in the history of film. See if you can guess it from the list.

Spiderman 3 (yes, I can see the future)
Idlewild
Spiderman 2
Runaway Jury
Spiderman
The Substitute: Failure Is Not an Option (guess what sequel number this is)
He Got Game
Mad City
Kiss the Girls
Extreme Measures
Bulletproof
Moneytrain
Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh (that's the second "too bad he wasn't in the first one" type sequel--although at least he wasn't in Sister Act II. mmm, foreshadowing)
Loaded Weapon 1
Sister Act
Regarding Henry
New Jack City (one of the greatest movies of all time. Nino Brown and G Money have all the sweet speeches in that movie though)
Mo' Better Blues
Cadillac Man
Glory
Do the Right Thing
School Daze

PS It's sequel number 4.

by Justin
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