Have I ever told you about my See's Candy Shoppe (I'm just guessing, but I bet they spell it like that) story? Brian gave me a 1-pound-chocolate-box gift certificate and I went in there and asked the counterlady which pre-made boxes had no fruit-tinted chocolates or chocolates with nuts (I like chocolate and nuts, but not in See's style). The lady said to me, "Why don’t you just make a box?" I was taken aback (no small feat). That is just totally amazing. I had the best time. I whore out for milk and dark chocolate truffley ones the most; I also enjoy the coffee/mocha flavor ones and a peanut butter one or two.

Seriously, think about it. You're sitting on a box of See's chocolates. You open up the box and you go to search for one that you won't think is gross (or even worse if you are a nibble-and-looker; even I think that's gross, and I double dip like I just don’t care). Oh wait. You don’t have to search for one that looks good--you handpicked these yourself. Ain't no mofucking duds in a box you selected yourself.

I don't know what is worse: the fact that cheesy ass science girl from The OC was on that ABC made-for-TV movie "Spring Break Shark Attack" or the fact that I actually watched like an hour of it.

So Carl's Jr, the company that grossed us out by showing big fat people (and gorgeous skinny people) eating with their mouths open, now has a commercial for some shit like "The Stuffed-Jalapeno-Grilled-Onion-8oz-6Dollar-Double Patty Burger" and they show a prenatal/baby in the womb saying that if mom eats another one of those "The Stuffed-Jalapeno-Grilled-Onion-8oz-6Dollar-Double Patty Burger" that the baby will make itself be born prematurely and will grab uteral wall and try to bring it with it on the way out. Ew.

I'm not even kidding.

Not that I am going to Carl's Jr., but if they have the basic 6Dollar burger and the 6Dollar-Guacamole-burger, why the hell would anybody pick the not-guac burger?

Did you know that Kenyon Martin's mom, who has some very interesting looking yellow-painted fingernails, flew all of Kenyon's high school teachers out to a game? That is totally sweet. And really cute too.

Half paper towels: fucking rule! Brilliant. You can't lose. You can only win. If you need more than one half paper towel, just take 2 half paper towels. That shit is the green apple dish soap of the paper towel world.

Mmm, kitchen product analogies…

PS The god damn science girl didn’t even get eaten by the sharks. She lived...weaksauce. And she made all the annoying gestures, mannerisms, and intonations that she did in The OC.

So I watched The Matrix again over the weekend (whilst multitasking) and had a few thoughts and observations:

Couldn’t the computers/machines have zoned in on all the existing hardline phones in the matrix and destroyed them, thereby making it impossible for Morpheus and the crews to jump back into the matrix or whatever? That doesn’t seem like it would be too hard.

Digital pimp hard at work: that is actually pretty cool. Do you get a private room though for when you are plugged in to the Lady in Red? I bet you would get a pretty hard boner having that realistic of cybersex. Anyways, I would like that.

How come they don’t have cellphones like in The Matrix? I would want one of those (although I do like the flip, but that shit is like the flip in mad bonus land). Seriously, how has a company not come out with those?

Are there 3 Matrixes? Did I even see the third one? I remember the second one is the one where they have a rave and stuff. Which I always thought was funny cuz wouldn’t their rave energy/heat/stuff just get the machines all horny and riled up since they feed off of human energy/heat/stuff?

I just saw an episode of MASH with Danny Noonan in it, playing some soldier who suffered physical paralysis from emotional stress--no physical injury. Nooooooooooooooooooonan. PS This "head shot" is good times...

I had a dream that I was hanging out with *Winona Ryder and she totally wanted me and we were like gonna get nasty or something and then Connor Oberst came in and salted my game. Weaksauce.

*Although this is totally weird, it merits mentioning that Winona wasn’t her full size. She was like the mini-me size version. Or something. Which is actually kind of cool cuz then my thing looked enormous.

Who would win in a fight, Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead or Adventures in Babysitting?

Which poses an excellent subquestion: who would win in a fight, Elizabeth Shue or Christina Applegate? I gotta go with Christina Applegate (cue PM Dawn).

The dishes are done, man.

Who would win in a fight, the song from the wedding in Old School (sounds like Axel Rose and shit) or the song from Adam Sandler in The Wedding Singer ("Somebody Kill Me")?

Me, I gotta go with the song from The Wedding Singer. That song is seriously the best part of that whole movie (which isn’t saying that much, but it is an entertaining flick).

Speaking of Julia Gulia though, what the hell is the deal with Drew Barrymore anyway? I saw a commercial for what looks to be a pretty painful adaptation of Nick Hornby's Fever Pitch with her and Jimmy Fallon from SNL. How can you turn such a sweetass book into another romantic comedy? Does Drew Barrymore star in films other than romantic comedies with SNL actors? Stupid.

Do you think that between all the gizmos and gadgets that R2D2 has, he has some sort of built-in pleasuring devices as well? It can get pretty lonely in outer space, not to mention swampy ass Degobah. And Luke did say, "That droid and I have been through a lot together." Maybe one of those box vaginas like at Good Vibrations? Princess Leah seemed to fancy R2 quite a bit as well. It would be supereasy to have thrown a vibrator and another attachment or two for personal use on R2.

Gives new meaning to the term autoeroticism, kind of.

You know what I don’t get at all? Frozen snickers bars. That's some BS...Why the hell would I want my chocolate, nougat, caramel, and peanuts to be frozen? If anything, I would rather have them a little warm/melty. Now those Snickers ice cream bars on the other hand--those are meant to be frozen--those are some bad motherfuckers.

Do you remember that old school computer video game that they used to let us play in middle school/high school (the early-to-mid 90s), the one where you had to choose how to spend your time every day on a deserted island? Your choices were to plant vegetables, build your shelter, collect firewood, fish for crawfish (and other stuff), and other stuff (but you had to make sure to leave enough crawfish so that they could continue to procreate). That game was cool. What was that game called? Was there another game just like it called Oregon Trail?

What the hell made me think of that, you ask? I just had crawfish for the first time last weekend. I've heard a whole lot of hullabaloo about crawfish, but never tried it before. I have to say that while it didn’t taste bad or anything, it wasn’t really that exciting. And it had an incredibly low work-to-reward ratio. There is a whole lot of peeling (and yes, poo vein deveining) to be done to each crawfish, and for all this work there is like a half-bite of meat. And this meat is <<<<<<< shrimp. So there. But at least now I know.

I made this joke up myself after sampling the crawfish: What do you call someone who doesn’t share their crawfish?

Shellfish.

Where's my fucking nickel?

The biggest problem that I seem to have with my mustache is that it just doesn’t go with all my clothes. I'm a fairly fashionable motherfucker, you know? So a lot of my clothes look kind of strange with the mustache. They just don’t work with it. It's hella strange, actually. I will put something on that historically looks good, but then I look at myself in the mirror and I have to admit, "No way a 70s porn star would wear a shirt like this." If I am keeping the mustache for the long haul, I am going to have to do a little wardrobe overhaul.

Long haul, overhaul, long haul, overhaul.

My favorite is when the sun hits it and it's all shimmery and blond and stuff. Plus nothing beats getting complimented by a beautiful woman on the fullness of my 'stache. And on the occasions when I see other dudes with mustaches on the street (not counting old people), I always feel like I wanna give them a high 5. I wonder if they feel that way too.

By: Justin