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So over the weekend Bert, Nick, Bri G, and I watched Alien Versus
Predator. *blushes* We knew what we were getting into in terms of it being
a movie that would probably be less than a cinematic masterpiece.
*understatement* What none of us foresaw was that the Predator and the
human girl would end up befriending each other and fighting together
against the Aliens to save the world (or something). It was a very, um,
interesting plot twist. And stuff. It didn’t actually dawn on me til just
now, but the dude that played the billionaire businessman who funded the
human archeological trip to Antarctica to explore what overhead satellites
identified as possibly the world's first ever pyramid was also the android
from Aliens and Aliens 3, Bishop (who also
appeared in Dead Man, No Escape (sweeeeeeeeeet), Pumpkinhead, Terminator,
Dog Day Afternoon, and a SHITLOAD of nerdy sci-fi movies I have never heard
of). In an even more bizarre twist, the movie was rated PG-13, which means
forget about seeing any boobies, we didn’t even get to see any good
old-fashioned Alien/Predator violence. That was the weakest sauce.
Speaking of violence, Aliens, Bishop, and stuff, remember how cool we all thought this was, when we were kids and saw it in Aliens? Bonus points since he is doing it to Chet. Man I wish I had the soundbyte (alt spelling) of Chet whining, "That's it man, game over. Game fucking over..."
Reason number 57 why Monsters Inc is the sweetest movie: you get to
enjoy the comedic brilliance of Billy Crystal without having to look at the
face of Billy Crystal.
A while ago Sage told me that somebody wrote his phone number--I think
it was one of those "for a good time call..."--in a bar's girl's bathroom.
This sounded funny and stuff. But then he told me that girls actually
called him from the bar. Like late at night and stuff, kinda looking for
action or something. I would have never in a million years have guessed
that girls would call a guy's number on a bathroom wall at a bar.
Hello. You're a girl at a bar. Just go out into the bar and get
lucky if you want to. No matter how unattractive you are, if you are a girl
at a bar your odds of getting laid (if you want to) are pretty fucking
high.
Sage and Ben, you guys are particularly gonna love this one: I was
watching this movie called Employee of the Month (which started out sort of
like the blessed Falling Down but ended up eerily similar to Wild Things)
with Christina Applegate and Matt Dillon and Steve Zahn and the guys were
at a strip club and Matt was talking to Steve and Steve was all, "Sorry, I
didn’t hear what you said. That girl's fart locker is just
mesmerizing."
Dude, he called her pooper her "fart locker." That is a good one.
"If you're like me and you only have three or four notes in your vocal
range, how do you reinvest? Not reinvent, but how do you make them
stronger, bigger, or skinnier? You have two choices: you can go out now and
learn a lot of other licks and get even more in command of your technical
facility, and you will be an absolute failure in life. Or, you take some of
the cash, a little of the fame, and the fame merely gets you a better seat
on the bus, and go get your heart broken in a couple of different
languages, not including English. Do you know what it means to get a flat
tire in the middle of the Sudan? You don't even know where that is, do you?
I mean the tire, asshole. Go out and learn what it means to make change to
do your laundry somewhere north of Edinburgh. Take a little time and learn
where the 'H' goes in that name, and when you come back and pick up your
electrically-amplified dick stick, those four notes are going to be so new
and so fat and sexy or trim like a piece of granite with wet tissue draped
on it. Your choice."
--Diamond Dave.
Diamond fucking Dave, bitch.
Have you ever noticed that the starting power forward for Utah, Mehmet
Okur, looks a whole hell of a lot like a big ass Balky Bartakamus?
Remember Fat Man and Little Boy? Oi, Science in the Media. I can't ever
really remember which one was which. Do you even know what I'm talking
about?
You know how you can get that garlic-bread-in-a-tin-foil-bag that you
just throw in the oven for a little bit and it comes out all buttery and
garlicky and grouse? How about if you used that as your buns to make
burgers at home? That would be oh so chill. I think.
Oi, garlic bread burgers.
And yes, you would still put mayo on it.
Kinda reminds me of some Food Network show that RR and I were watching
once about this burger place in Milwaukee where they throw a fat slab of
butter on their burgers before they serve them up. Sounds good. I always
envision myself bringing one of those little butter pats
(cardboard-bottom-paper-top style) with me to Cheesepockets to check it
out...
When I was a young, young Justin in my backyard in Culver City, there
was this spot by the back fence that was just dirt. I used to love--during
the summer--to dig a big old deep ass hole back there and then bring the
yard hose over there and fill the hole with water and get in it and pretend
it was my own personal swimming pool (beats the hell out of The Plunge). I
would invite friends over to go swimming but there was only room for one at
a time in the "pool."
Oi, run on sentence, check.
OK, so my big official problem with The OC: all the plots and subplots
that should take 2 months to develop happen in like 1 episode and are
quickly discarded, and all the plots and subplots that should happen in 1
single episode seem to take like 2 months to develop (e.g. Missy's porno
tape). I can't help but feel like they take all the stereotypical plotlines
available and put them on a dartboard and then just throw darts to see what
comes next. There is no creativity, not to mention originality, in any of
it anymore. And let me be the first to say that I have ZERO interest in
watching Ryan's brother live with the Cohen's and go through quirky/cheesy
little "getting acclimated to The OC" incidents over the next 2 months
before he is written off the show. Dude isn’t even remotely likeable
(though it merits mentioning that I totally called that he would be wearing
a Stephen Baldwin shirt the second he walked out of the prison in a jean
jacket). And I still can't believe Zack isn’t officially gay yet (who
didn’t think that was what he finally figured out in Italy?). And
why do they spend so much time on Kiersten (not to mention Missy). And how
was Caleb so dumb that he actually believed that that was the only copy of
the porno tape? And why can't they just get rid of all the crusty old
people and the crusty new people and bring Luke back. Hell, if they wanted
to keep Zack on the show, they could have Luke's dad come back with him and
Zack and Luke's dad could have an affair. They haven’t crossed that one off
the list yet. Oh wait, have they? Not in one fell swoop anyway...
The one thing that Avi Wolfe taught me in high school: If you been
drinking and stuff, there is really no need to wait til the AM to take
Advil. That shit is reactive. Go ahead and take an Advil before you go to
sleep. That, my friend, is a proactive measure. And a highly effective one.
I highly recommend it.
I think the question on everyone's mind is "Does Dannon Fruison=Kiefer
Milk, and if so, what took so long?"
You know, when I was in high school I thought it was kind of lame that
all the people on high school TV shows were in their 20s. Now I realize
that it is actually really cool, cuz I don’t have to feel "gross" that I
want to do it with a high school TV chick, since she is actually 25.
Now that I have defended myself in advance, check out my
lady. That shit is awesome. Anybody got a color printer with enough ink
to make this happen for me? Did you know that Brooke and Lucas are together
in real life? You can get pretty perverted with all the "piece together the
posters of your favorite WB stars" on the pull down menu on that page.
Merits mentioning that Alyssa's hair is kinda salty on her poster...
"If god made anything better than crack cocaine, he kept that shit for
himself."
--That Guy, from Clockers.
Other That Guys, from Clockers:
That Guy
That Guy
That Guy
That
Guy
That Guy
That Guy
And last but not least:
Two-thirds of Onyx
By: Justin
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