The worst is when you feel yourself digging that hole deeper and deeper and you just don’t know how to stop. You just wanna throw up your arms in surrender and say, "I'm buried" but that other part of you is like "keep talking; maybe you'll either dig yourself out or she will forget what you are talking about." But the problem is that A) digging yourself out is impossible (a phrase that doesn’t make sense conceptually, unless you are digging an underground tunnel to escape--old school prison movie style), and B) she, no matter who she is, never forgets.

"I can track a single bee to the hive"-Dave Berman

Ah, the self-fulfilling prophecy of the post pockets blues.

BART evacuation procedures: I wish I had a picture of them to show you, so you had an idea just how wrong they really are. They are in every single BART car though (so take a look if you ever have the opportunity). There are 3 sets of instructions, which differ only slightly: one for if you are in the transbay tube, one for if you are underground (like in the City), and one for if you are above ground. The two formermost’s instructions say that in case of emergency, you should deboard the train and cross over to the train tracks that go in the other direction and stand there waiting for help. Is it me or does that seem like the dumbest idea of all time? Those trains rip through the underground at 50+ MPH, and if for some reason a train was about to come and didn’t get the warning that there was an emergency on the other track...ker splat.

Is this the bus to Cartagena?

The outlet malls we drove past on our road trip to Seattle were so bad. You know I always get excited for the outlets--even though I always end up disappointed (even for good outlets), but that is another story--and these didn’t deserve to bear the title outlet. "A Gap, a Quicksilver, and a Big Dog do not an outlet make."

How about a shirt that said separation going vertically down the middle? oioi

By the way, is it percent* or per cent? Or is it a chef's choice type of thing? Or is it an American versus British thing? *I know that percent is a word. The question was more of, "Why is per cent allowed also?"

I was grating cheese, and I made that comment about something grating (Unfortunately I can’t remember what it was, but you should have been there. It was really funny).

Nice package.

Why is the audio so important in porn? Every guy I ever talk to about it agrees with me. We all know it is dubbed, but for some reason it just isn’t as good without it.

Speaking of: they say you burn more calories sleeping than watching television. But theydon’t take into account what type of programming you are watching.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class. And you know I’m the motherfucker always asking for extra olives.

This amazing (quoted and spelled verbatim) gem from Caspher, age 9, whom I hereby dub Caspher the autistic burger pimp: My favorite food is hamburger. I like hamburger because they are easy to make, they are easy to eat, they are healthy and delicious. Hamburger has to be the best food in the best food in the whole wide world. What else? Its is easy to make easy to eat healthy and delicious.

You know how at Indian restaurants they always have homemade Indian cheese in stuff? Now I know it is commonplace to make homemade beer, mustard, and various other products, but cheese? Especially the way it is kind of tofu-like in consistency and shape, I always envision that in the back of the restaurant, hanging from pipes and like wrapped in string and stuff, are these huge hunks of cheese, just hanging there doing what young cheeselings do when they are trying to become full grown Indian cheeses. Which is kinda cool.

I don’t trust people that don’t drink coffee. I feel like they must be hiding something, or something.

Hypothalamus=the structure in the higher portion of the brain that monitors eating, drinking, and sex. I think I have an overactive hypothalamus. It is nice to frame my issues in biological terms though, I can tell you that. PS God, please don’t hurt my hypothalamus.

Is there a better word on earth than areola? If you think there is, I would sure like to hear it. The areola is like the middleman (middlewoman) between the boobie and the nipple. And that, my friends, is not a bad place to be.

You know what is another great word? Specificity. That shit rolls off the tongue like a motherfucker.

In Windows 98 motherfucker isn’t a real word but in 2000 it is.

BTW: I know why olives don’t come in olive oil. Cuz olive oil in the fridge ain’t nothing nice.

The perk of PB and J/Cream Cheese and J sandwiches: Jelly is a fruit serving.

A Real Friend: When you guys are in line to buy something (separately), and it is the same thing*, and it costs (for example) $3.20. And your friend goes first and after paying, gives you .20 from his change. That's class. *A really good friend will give you change that they just got to cover your change even if you didn’t purchase the same thing. But when you are getting the same thing, a friend can accurately anticipate in advance the change required.

It has come to my attention that Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. Well if those factory workers worked on their game as much as MJ then maybe they would make more money. Remember, MJ didn't even have a jumpshot when he came into the League.

Do you ever feel like your life revolves around coffee, masturbation, and cheese? is that all this column is about?

*Out loud voice*

I actually wrote this for a class last week: the discourse community of community does not necessarily train students to have positive roles within said community.

Sometimes wearing a shirt that says "sad panda" isn’t worth the hassle. Especially if you are a sad panda, in which case the last thing you wanna do is have to explain what it means to some jackasses.

Ain't nothing like peeing outside. My favorite places in the world to pee are on my rooftop (helluva view) and at my mama's house, in the backyard. As far as pooing goes, it is all about home base, though the handicapped stall at my old workplace (dubbed "the office") will always hold a dear place in my heart.

Don Benzo calls bra-less boobies unslung heros. That is a good one...

There are 2 kinds of people: Those who, when they get 2 fortunes in a cookie think, "Oh wow. That's great. 2 fortunes!" and are really pumped about it. Then there are those who feel like getting 2 fortunes in the same cookie cheapens the whole process and makes it less special; makes it nullify the whole fortune receiving process.Though it merits mentioning that these latters are more skeptical of the whole "fortune" thing anyways...

by Justin