Why/how is it that organic half and half usually has a refrigerator shelf life almost a whole month longer than regular half and half? That is crazy. The real question is, why don’t I buy organic half and half just for that luxury? I have been sick all week, and on Thursday noticed that my half and half expired a whole week prior. Usually I make it a conscious decision to drink old half and half. Oh well.

A couple things about being sick. First, doesn’t everyone think that they hate being sick? I sure do. The real mind-bender for me is why is it that, when you have a cold, you can only breathe clearly out of one nostril or the other at a time? I think that is strange and weird and fascinating and bizarre and stuff.

So, what's Karl Malone doing in retirement?
He is host of a weeklong hunting special called "Big Game Madness" set to begin Monday on the Outdoor Life Network.
Malone's role as host will include daily selection of the "Rack Buster," where he chooses the best animal taken during that evening's lineup of shows such as "Buckmasters" and "Ruger's Hunting Adventures."

I pressed F11 the other day. That was some crazy shit. I still don’t really know what those keys do.

DVDs are grouse because you can pause "good scenes" crystal clearly. And if you are at all like me, you know what I mean by "good scenes."

Sometimes when I am sad, I just think about those Swanson's Hungry Man frozen dinner advertisements that boast "Over one pound of food!" It even says so on the boxes. Yeah, that is what America needs. A bigger, bigger America.

Carl's Jr, which is the west coast equivalent of Hardee's, offers the biggest burger in the fast food business, called "The Monster Thickburger," which contains close to 2 days worth of the USRDA of bad fat (trans and saturated).

If you had sex with someone in Denver, would that make you part of the mile high club?

Things Magnum never warned me about: So I have been rocking a mustache for the last couple of weeks. It is totally blond too, which is awesome (porno style, bigtime). I have found, however, that I was not properly prepared for drinking with a mustache. That shit makes me like a wild dog. Attacking parking signs, stumbling around, picking fights, getting hella tall. Seriously, it's like in Over the Top when Stallone turns his hat around before arm wrestling. Or like a werewolf on a full moon. Drinking with the 'stache. That shit is real.

I don’t know if I will have the mustache long enough (who would wanna hire a teacher that looks like a child molester?), but I hella want to make a t-shirt that just says "Ask Me About My Mustache"--I would make one for Sage too, of course. And Magnum.

Asking my smarty pants uncle why mustache can be spelled mustache or moustache, he explained that moustache comes from the French, meaning mouse fur. Cool. So I have mouse fur on my upper lip. Who wants a kiss?

They're like eggs; you lick them, don’t suck on them.

Fragile/sensitive, like eggs, that is.

Just like there is Heinz ketchup and then there is everything else (all the other ketchups), there is Ghirardelli brownie mix and there is everything else (all other brownie mixes). That Ghirardelli shit is one bad motherfucker.

I don’t know why some places put ice cubes in their urinals, but I like it. It is hella fun to take a long pee and melt the ice. Good times...

When I used to work at Togo's in college, I would sometimes go across the street to Burger King for lunch. I would get a couple of Whoppers and bring them back to Togo's and add scoops of avocado to the Whoppers (obviously Togo's has avocado--in a mash form). And it was chill. Like a low budget version of the blessed Maui burger at Islands. So I did that the other day with some to go Cheesepockets, adding avocado at home. And it was chill times chill.

Oi, chill on chill action.

That Guy: how about the dude whose most famous character--or at least coolest character's name--is Chest Rockwell/Reed Rothchild from Boogey Nights. He was in The Gangs of New York (I already admitted that I saw it, I might as well use it for *stat padding*), The Perfect Storm (a crappy movie that everybody saw), Magnolia (not a short film), What's Eating Gilbert Grape (say thank you Girlbert), Days of Thunder (is this NASCAR people's favorite movie?), and like 43 other movies.

A little spiel on his moral character:
In April 2004 he left the filming of Manderlay (2005) to be replaced by Slovenian actor Zeljko Ivanek. According to a report in Entertainment Weekly, he did so as protest against the killing of a donkey during production.

Equal rights for donkeys. It must suck to be a donkey (unless you are one of the infamous TJ donkeys). You're the butt of peoples jokes and stuff (oi, get it?). If they killed a horse, hella people would be up in arms; they kill a donkey and all you get is an unpublicized protest from a that guy.

Did you get it?

Remember Blublocker sunglasses? The ones that were meant for chickenhawking that had mirrors on the sides so that you could see behind you? Those were sweet. Not that I ever had a pair (or, as I recall, that the sunglasses themselves were aesthetically pleasing--which is probably what stopped me from owning a pair), but they were still sweet. This summer, Kevin and I walked up and down the Venice Beach Boardwalk, combing through all the 5 dollar sunglass stands looking to see if anywhere still carried them. Alas, no. Hmmm, maybe Ebay...

So they have this market for anti-gas pills. Beano, to be specific. But my question is, why the hell would you want to take something that stopped you from farting? I mean, farting is like one of the bestest, most soothingest things a person can do.

Remember when Ben used to think that they counted as Gutter Shots even if they just rolled in?

A few little anecdotes from dinner with the extended Ross family a few weeks ago:

Poppi asking Linda, "Is it okay that when I see an attractive woman walking down the street, I stop and imagine her naked?" Poppi is 89 years old.

Poppi whispering to me (because Nana was right on the other side of him), "Do you ever watch channel 500, 501, or 502?" I said, "No Pop. But up in San Francisco the channels have different numbers." He leaned over to me and said, "Sometimes on those channels they have naked women. Your Nana doesn’t really like that stuff, so I have to wait until real late at night, after she falls asleep, to watch."

Ken recounting how Poppi wanted to take Viagra but Poppi's doctor saying, "Don’t do it; it will kill you."

Trying to sneak a cameraphone picture of Nana eating at the dinner table in her customary martial arts stance--boobs resting on the dinner table (is that etiquettely rude, like elbows on the table?).

Both Ken and Poppi--2 generations of Ross men--simultaneously having cheese hangers on their chins from Linda's delicious manicotti.

Checking out the stats side again, these are some of the search strings (written in order of searched for popularity) that people used that led them to cheesepockets.com (I don’t know why, but I find this totally interesting):

Bridgette Nielson (again)--I think there is a lesson to be learned by this (maybe more than one).

Cellphone headset--Bert.

Who is Bridgette Nielson--Is Bridgette Nielson that popular or are there just enough perverted dudes out there that any B Movie star gets searched for? My guess: the latter.

Vacuum cleaner fetish--Heh, my fault.

Back tattoos tramp stamp--Thanks RR, that one never gets old.

Cumsicles--Oi, cherry-flavored?

Eyes melted shut--Some Man in the Box shit.

Fake Aunt Viv--Die fake Aunt Viv, die.

Female genetalia pictures--I don’t know where these are on the site; I think Bert has been holding out on us!

Hot ghetto mess--Um, that must be located on the same page as the female genetalia pics.

Inventions lotion applier--*Struggles to edit out loud voice*

Invisible socks girls--Mmm, invisible socks girls. Sounds like a Grandaddy song.

Justin Ross cheesepockets--Heh, that was some me on me action. Whatever, don’t tell me you've never done it to yourself.

Low rise pants for men--Whoever searched for that was making a cry for help. I only hope someone heard them.

Maggot cheese is--Good?

Maggots wet t-shirt contest--And baby fish mouth is sweeping the nation?

Vegetarian Foie Gras--Oi, faux gras. Yeah boy.

Why can't monsters get along with other monsters--And that, my friend, is the million dollar question. Soi desantra.

You're the best around no lyrics--What kind of sick fuck just wants the instrumental of that song?

The moral is: I think if I just wrote a page that had like the names of a bunch of hot chicks on it, cheesepockets traffic would go through the roof (I'm giving it a practice run on the title bar).

By: Justin