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Can someone explain to me why the fuck Seth needs Summer's permission to
do his little comic book thing? That don’t make no god damn sense. For that
matter, I can't even figure out why the fuck Zack is involved. Seth does
all the work himself. Summer and Zack don’t do squat for the comic. This
bugged me immensely during the show.
Bad news, guys. I had to shave off the mustache for a job interview.
Nobody is going to give a teaching position to a child molester. I guess
that is what tenure is for though...I'm back to looking like a nice Jewish
boy. And the Friday night shirts are back in play.
I think that when guys see a pregnant chick, the first thought we have
is, "Wow, look at that weird-shaped fat girl." I think it always takes a
second or 2 for most guys to process that these women are actually
pregnant, not fat. Sometimes we aren’t even sure after extended
examination. I feel like girls always know, and know instantly.
I watched Trading Places for the first time in forever last weekend--on
DVD, mind you. I watched it at a friend's house. The frustrating thing was
that there were girls there, so when it got to be the time for the infamous
baring of Jamie Lee's boobies, I really wanted to grab the remote and hit
"pause." But alas, I knew it would be socially unacceptable. Salty
balls.
PS I wish people would stop calling Jamie Lee a hermaphrodite. I don’t
understand where these rumors come from. And I have read Middlesex, so I
know about hermaphrodites.
Isn't there a company called "Big O" tires? That would be cool if their
t-shirts just said, "Big O" with a tire as the O or something and I got one
of them. O O O O O...
I guess the Red Hot Chili Peppers keep cranking out albums or something.
I heard some new Chili Peppers song on the radio the other day and Anthony
Kiedis was like doing that singing/rapping thing he sometimes does, but for
one of the verses it sounded sort of different than the rest, and I
realized it actually sounded a lot like Benzo when he is rapping.
You know what always brings a smile to my face? When people talk
about/mention/employ the pull out method (of birth control). That is good
times. An actually not-that-close-but-definitely-merits-mentioning second
would be the lunar cycle method of birth control. My question is, when
combined, would this amalgamated method of birth control prove 60%
effective? More? Less? I need an alternative Dr. persona that can answer my
own questions. Or a real doctor, I guess.
From Bert: "I had a dream you worked at a wheatgrass place called
'WHEATBALLERS.' Schweeeet."
Speaking of, I always thought it was so strange how they used to have
that hut that was a wheatgrass stand (that sold wheatgrass, duh) right
across the street from the 14th and Guerrero projects. Talk about not
really positioning yourself well for your target audience.
That guy from Anchorman--the retarded weatherguy who stole every scene
he was in (and loves mayo!)--is cast as the star of the remake of the Get
Smart movie. Now if that isn’t ingeniously perfect casting, I don’t know
what is.
-----Burrito Section------
Go to El Farolito for carnitas? They're too dry there. Taqueria San
Jose for vegetarian burritos? Ew, did you even know that they put lettuce
on a vegetarian burrito there? San Francisco is a city with myriad
taquerias. Myriad taquerias=myriad options. Some of these options are good,
others are bad. The biggest benefit of all these choices is that a student
of the game can figure out what each taqueria does best and go to that
particular taqueria when they are fiending that particular type of burrito.
We've all been asked, "What kinda beans?" Now I ask, "What kinda meat?"
Carne Asada: El Farolito. The fucking king. Meat is grilled (on a real
grill) most-of-the-way, chopped up, and put in a holding ground until you
order it, at which point it is placed on the flat grill, cooked the rest of
the way, and put into your burrito. Perks include hunkers of avocado
instead of guacamole, an excellent cheese, and a salsa verde that once made
one weak in the knees but now is volatile, with its good days and bad days.
And unfortunately, it's ceiling is such that even on a great day, it just
isn’t what it used to always be. Warning: Don’t order a carne asada torta,
it will be one huge slab of beef that is not nearly as tender or fun as the
asada hunks are in the burrito. Alternative-to-a-burrito order: Their
superior burrito alternative is the Super Quesadilla Suiza with carne
asada.
Carnitas: Gordos. On a good day at Gordos, when you order carnitas, your
burrito maker will pull out a giant wad of carnitas and chop it up with a
butcher's knife before tossing it into your burrito. Perks include perhaps
the best taqueria guacamole in town, big slices of cheese that are very
tasty--and it merits mentioning that you get one big slab on your burrito
but if you ask for extra cheese, you get 2 slabs. That is double the
cheese! Alternative-to-a-burrito order: They make a great carnitas taco,
and if you ask nicely, they will fry the soft corn tortillas in oily oily
oil for you and it tastes about as good as medium-level sex.
Chicken: OK Sally Fields, but first I gotta clarify, it's gotta be
grilled chicken. I'm not so sure about the whole chicken-for-soup style wet
chicken that some places have. Taqueria Cancun has the best grilled chicken
burritos. They dice up some grilled chicken, I don’t know what else to tell
you. I can only get so excited about chicken, you know? Merits mentioning,
however, that Cancun also goes with the hunks of avocado (though less hunks
than an El Farolito burrito) and their rice always seems to be moist (at
some places I skip on rice entirely, especially if it looks dry). A grilled
chicken torta can be quite nice.
Al Pastor: Oh al pastor, you sexy neglected pork product. Al pastor, if
you don’t know, means barbecued pork (carnitas=fried pork). And it is good.
It can also get real messy and has the ability to make your tummy hurt if
you eat the whole burrito. But al pastor is like the forbidden fruit. The
meaty-bbq-saucy-grilled-onions-in-with-the-meat forbidden fruit, that is.
This shows up on fewer menus than the other meats. The best place on earth
for al pastor is Taqueria San Jose. Merits mentioning that there is a San
Jose located diagonally from El Farolito on Mission and 24th so if the El
Farolito line is too long, if you feel like getting real nasty, you can
check out San Jose, which invariably has a shorter line.
Breakfast Burrito: Chorizo is pork sausage. So even if it isn’t actually
breakfast time, there is never really a bad time for Mexican pork sausage
cooked in with eggs. For this one, I will give 2 recommendations.
Chorizo 1A: Taqueria Cancun serves up a delicious, neatly wrapped breakfast
burrito that is absolutely delicious.
Chorizo 1B: El Farolito serves up a monster wet gooey breakfast burrito
that makes the orange grease from the chorizo run down your hands and arms
as you eat it. Sweet. Now that I think about it, I should probably warn you
that the al pastor will do that to you too. The El Farolito model is
not a low calorie snack.
Vegetarian: I just want to say that I really enjoy a good vegetarian
burrito from time to time. 99 times out of 100 I would rather have a
vegetarian burrito than a chicken burrito. The best vegetarian burrito
comes from Taqueria Cancun, which provides a nice, clean vegetarian burrito
(see the trend) which benefits greatly from the aforementioned
usually-moist rice as well as a salsa verde that has actually usurped El
Farolito's as the consistently (oi, consistency) best verde in town (it
pains me to write that, but it is true).
Honorable mention goes to El Farolito, which is not afraid to heat their
tortillas (be they destined for meat or vegetarian burritos) on the same
flat grill on which they do the final-heating of their carne asada.
Warning: At El Farolito, I say that you either go refried beans (yum) or if
you just want pinto, have them hold the rice. Tip: if you ask--at El
Farolito--for a vegetarian burrito instead of a vegetarian super burrito
(the only difference between regular and super is cheese, avocado, and sour
cream--the 2 burritos are the same size), they will ask you if you want it
with cheese and avocado. You say yes. If you don’t like nasty-ass sour
cream, you just saved yourself like a buck-fifty.
Honorable mention #2 Gordos automatically doubles down on your cheese slabs
if you get a vegetarian burrito and since they make it in front of you
(what kinda beans), you can request "light rice," which is nice.
Shrimp: Rosa's in Santa Cruz, bitch. Remember when Sasha worked
there and we all would go in and get real nasty and that one time the owner
dude was there and chased us all out into the parking lot and yelled at us
and stuff? Good times.
PS Some Northern California taquerias have actually begun carrying shrimp, but I am not going to be the one who is locked up in the bathroom all day the next day just to be able to tell you about it.
Non-Northern Californian Burrito: Well it ain't Baja Fresh, fool. I gots
to go with the childhood favorite, the blessed Tito's. That shit is real.
You get a meat and cheese burrito and it is half the size and twice the
weight of a Northern California super burrito. And it comes with what it
says. Meat and cheese. No rice, no beans, no bullshit. Merits mentioning:
the usual order at Tito's is 1 meat and cheese burrito, 2 tacos with
cheese, and a tub of guacamole (not the greatest guac by a longshot, but
still highly effective). Merits mentioning II: when we go to Tito's,
everyone wants in. We always have to get an extra couple of tacos for ma,
and RR likes to get like 8 tacos (no fucking joke) and he only eats 2-3
when we get home. He wraps the rest of them up individually (strategic,
eh?) and has them periodically throughout the ensuing day or 2 as
noshes.
Man, now I want a burrito.
OK, just to make things easier, here is the condensed version of the
above, and feel free to print this out, laminate it, and carry it around in
your wallet/purse:
Burrito Guide:
Carne Asada=El Farolito; R=Suiza
Carnitas=Gordos; R=Tacos
Chicken=Taqueria Cancun; R=Torta
Al Pastor=Taqueria San Jose
Breakfast Burrito=Taqueria Cancun
Dirty Version=El Farolito
Vegetarian Burrito=Taqueria Cancun
Runner Up=El Farolito
R=Don’t forget about how fucking
good refried beans are
Shrimp Burrito=Rosa's
LA Burrito=Tito's
R=Recommended alternative order
Merits mentioning that I did not include any place where the burrito totals more than 6 bucks. That is bullshit (and for that reason, La Taqueria, which would otherwise fare quite well in the carne asada category, has been eliminated--it costs almost 10 bucks for me to get full-up on that mess).
If you dare to dispute any of my wisdom on the burrito guide or have any quality suggestions, feel free to email me or post a comment about it. Please don't suggest Pancho Villa though. Thank you. LA breathren feel free to suggest other non-Northern Californian options. Oi, Campos.
What if you could get a chili burrito from Tommy's? Wait, can you get a chili burrito from Tommy's? RR?
By: Justin
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