Go the Lakers. But on Wednesday night I have to choose between this retardedly hard writing project assignment that will still be weighing over me, watching The OC, and the Lakers game. The worst is that The OC will probably be during the second half of the game (aka I can't blow off the first half of the game to watch The OC, it would be the all important second half that was on concurrently). What am I going to do? If you have an extra VCR, please bring it by. Thank you.

The question on everyone's mind: Does Caleb (ew) really know that Julie (Missy, I mean mom--ew) did it with Luke? or was he thinking Marissa was going to tell him some other scandalous story?

That reminds me: Girl fight Tuesday night on One Tree Hill, which is on the WB at 9:00. Merits mentioning that you can easy-view it on Sunday at 5:00.

Every question begins with a quest.

Considering how relatively small the amount of an ejaculation, we sure do have "tons of sperm." Or at least half of us do. I think the only reason why I wrote that is because the phrase "tons of sperm" just sounds funny to me and I wanted to say it.

Did you know that after Sputnik, a US Senator wanted to declare a US holiday called "The week of shame" to celebrate our getting served up in the space race.

Do you know what the term Ebonics comes from?

A couple of weeks ago I was in class and I sneezed. No big deal (except for the fact that I am one of those nuclear warhead sneezers. People wonder if I am okay after I sneeze. It's really loud and intrusive and, well, genetic. Thanks Ken). Like 5 minutes later I notice that there is a little snot glob (flying sneeze particle--sounds like a band name) on the chest of my baby blue button down shirt. Ew. I mean, ew that it happened. Double ew that I rocked that shit for like 5 minutes with a snot glob on it looking like a snail was all up on me. There goes some cool points.

Ebony phonics. Maybe you are smarter than me and figured it out for yourself, but I learned that in class. And I thought it was pretty cool. See ma, I'm learning lots in college again.

Girls fall down. It just happens. It ain't a matter of alcohol. It ain't even necessarily a matter of the silly shoes girls wear (though they sure ain't helping). They just fall. Some girls consider it a victory if they go a week without biffing. After having to sit down to pee, this would be one of the biggest drawbacks to being a girl. You never know when that shit is going to strike. You are just cruising down the street and all of a sudden, blam.

A few gems from one of my less engaging professors:

"Kids today wear earrings on their navels."

"I do a lot of work in the drug and alcohol fields." me too, we should kick it sometime.

She was talking about the symptoms of puberty and she said one of the characteristics for boys is "sperm in the urine." I am still very uncomfortable with this idea. I like to think that I keep my sperm and urine in a "separate but equal" sort of way.

Not to be making all these divisive (good word, nice spelling) comments regarding men and women, but you know what else would be exhausting about being a girl? Having so many fucking best friends. A best friend for every occasion sounds handy and all, but I think it would get a little overwhelming. And expensive too. Cuz you know girls be buying presents for all their best friends on their birthdays and stuff. Shiiiiit.

Of course Freud recommended psychoanalysis. He was a fucking psychoanalyst. Don’t chiropractors recommend chiropracty? So maybe chiropracty isn’t a word, but you know what I mean. Anyways, the point is valid.

"I'm not that dumb. Just shallow."-Summer

French onion soup=Vegetable serving. And you can add onion rings to that unabridged list of vegetable servings too.

Speaking of, Guacamole potato/tortilla chips? Puhleeze. Even I can't call that a vegetable serving. The whole guacamole chip market is a total fucking sham. These people dye regular chips green and call them "guacamole-flavored" and that is all they do. And people are dumb. People are lemmings. If you bought them once because you were curious, I can understand. But if you bought them more than once, I think I could beat you in an IQ contest with one lobe tied behind my back. Guacamole chips are the Enron of the snack food aisle.

You know what else really sucks? It sucks to be the coffee-breath guy when you are right next to the fresh-gum-breath guy. That makes me feel twice as stinky.

Another thing about coffee breath. Have you ever had such funky coffee breath (or whatever other bad-breath causing issue) that you took one of those Listerine pocket-pack-acid-doses and it didn’t work. Maybe it worked a little, but the funk was not behind you? After enough successive coffee and cigarette rounds, I occasionally find that I need to double down on those bad boys.

Orientated is not a word. I should clarify, because I was thrown off when spell check didn’t underline the word orientate(d). After consulting my handy-dandy dictionary, I can now say that orientated is a word, but it means to face east, as in the Orient. And let's be honest, if you say orientated, you don’t mean face east, you mean oriented. Which brings me back to my original statement, which is that orientated isn’t a word (and if it is, you are using it wrong).

A couple of weeks ago, Brian and I went and got nasty of nasty. We were both starving, and we headed to the South San Francisco Cheesepockets. I went old school and ordered a double double and a cheeseburger (animal style, but still with some new school modifications: no lettuce, add raw onions also, and extra cheese on the cheeseburger). I partied real hard on that. Then, when we were about to leave, we decided instead to go into the adjacent Krispy Kreme outlet. We got 6 donuts, macked 1 each before we even got out of the parking lot, and put down the other 4 within the next half hour.

Point to clarify: Why no lettuce? Ideally a little sliver of lettuce on a burger would be nice. It's not like I have anything against lettuce. It's just that there is a time and a place for lettuce. Lettuce is cold and it doesn’t heat up well. So why would I want a big iceberg hunk of lettuce on a hot cheeseburger? I wouldn’t. Furthermore, lettuce on a burrito is sacrilege. That’s just so gross. Sad, saggy, salad fixin.

Do you ever write something on an email and then send it and then the second after you send it you wish you had a take back? That shit happens to me all-the-time. It is so annoying. It's like the out-loud voice. Then there is the PS email that happens after. Here is where you are digging. And you spend like 5 minutes trying to decide if you should send it. Hmmm. If only I'd spent a minute deciding whether to send the original email, this wouldn’t necessarily be necessary.

It's like you are watching Elimidate and it's hella late and you know you should just go to bed but that one guy is hella goofy or that one check is hella hot or you wanna see if those 2 guys fight. Then you wanna see who she cuts next. Before you know it you’ve watched 25 minutes and it's another commercial time (always the easiest time to turn off the TV when you have been binging) and you'd be an idiot to turn off the TV right before the person makes their final selection. Man, life is hard.

PS I hope this wasn’t like that (oi, that was a double, get it?)...

My mama still loves me even though last week she read on the site that I love to pee in her backyard when I am visiting. Now if that ain't unconditional love, I don't know what is. I love you too, ma.

by Justin