I know that the dudes that work at El Farolito don’t make a lot of money and stuff. But doesn’t it seem like they must have some perks. Like they must have street cred and stuff. I wonder, do they get laid for working at El Farolito (you know how like people get laid for being on TV or for having cool visible jobs)?

Don’t get mad at me. It's not like I'm taking all of your grandmother's stuff over to my house.

Haven't you always wanted to go to one of those "Foreclosed Homes being sold by the Government/Private Banks" auction-thingies and try to like buy a nice house for really cheap? I guess the lower version of that would be one of those auto auctions of the same ilk. Regardless, I would be down to check out either of those.

Now you're really gonna hate me. We have to take the house.

I was reading over some old columns, and even though I didn’t actually write this one myself, and even though I've read it like 5+ times, reading it for the first time in a while and it still made me laugh until my tummy hurt, so I thought that I would repost it (plus it doesn’t even make me vain since I wasn’t the one who wrote it). To recap, this is the online bio from myspace.com from someone that I went to high school with, that somehow ended up on RR's myspace friends list:
"I try to live each day with the passion it deserves. Sports bore me but I could go to the ballet every night and never tire. Sometimes, I daydream of selling it all and starting fresh as a bike messenger or a chef or a vintage furniture picker. I feel sexy in grandfather's hand-me-downs. I dislike shaving, but not as much as I loath fresh tomato. Hippies freak me out with their fire spinning, hacky sacks and stinky pits. I have a love/hate relationship with politics. Just a few hours alone on the dance floor can restore my sanity. I try to surround myself with inspired souls. I am given a daily repreave but must work to keep it. I believe that what you eat is just as important as who you vote for. People should smile more. I didn't chose filmmaking- I'm just good at it. I wear no logo's, but often describe you as a demographic or my target audience. Sometimes I feel like Lisa Simpson. The party makes me laugh/The party makes me cry--but I always seem to find myself in the middle of it. Nine times out of ten I wish I was somewhere else--probably with you, but I would never tell you. Your attention is my poison, the computer is just one of many delivery devices. I sleep better with you by my side. I like my music epic/symphonic and my coffee cold. I support a peaceful state of Israel--I support a peaceful state of Palestine. Blenko decanters with curves like hips turn me on more than your low cut jeans and belly button rings. Traveling with an expense account is heaven. Poor or rich, I think everyone deserves to have fresh cut flowers in their home."

He actually listed Are you there God, It's Me Margaret and Nancy Drew as two of his favorite books/authors on his profile page.

He was also linked up to the infamous Cuntrocker, who listed The Shiteaters as 1 of her favorite bands. I wonder, what do the Shiteaters sound like?

My guess: They probably sound like shit.

Fresh off of my first Seder in close to 10 years. It was an outstanding success too, complete with a delicious day-after beef briscuit sangy provided by Rafi('s leftovers). And it was the first Seder that I have ever been to where we just drank real wine instead of Manischevitz, which was actually quite nice. Not that it was an issue at all, but we only had one hagaddah (sp?) for the 20 or so people that were there. As I was going to sleep, I came up with this brilliant idea for how to, in an abridged Seder, circumvent the lack of enough books. How about creating a PowerPoint Seder service? How fucking sweet would that be? Well I think it would be sweet.

My 2 best moments of the seder: When Rafi explained the afi komen and I blurted out "Rafi Komen" and when he acknowledged that real wine was much more enjoyable than Manischevitz and I said, "Yeah. But nothing beats drinking malt liquor at a seder." Manischevitz=Malt liquor=Good times.

Remember IALAC? You know, from like elementary school? I think they like used it to try to build up our self-esteem and stuff?

I
AM
LOVING
AND
CAPABLE

I left myself this voice memo recently: "You know those other times when you are dying for a drink? Not like the times when you are dying for that first drink, but the times when you have already had 3 or 4 and you are dying for that next drink?"

PS As that voice memo was tailing off, I heard myself responding to someone, "I'm doing well. Thank you." But the question is, was I?

You know how there is that one style of girl's eyeglasses that seem to be relatively popular? I.e. a lot of girls wear them. They are really cutesy and sort of quasi-teacherish or something. The thing about them is, they make all the girls who wear them sort of look alike. Do you know what I mean?

Whooooo weeee. How about that neow.

Even if you are a Death Cab for Cutie fan, how could you have enjoyed their performance on The OC? Weenie alert, bigtime.

Why is wiener spelled one way and weenie the other?

A friend was explaining the myriad ways that women suffer when they are on their period, and she told me that even her gums get all sensitive. She told me that her dental hygienist told her that hygienists can tell when a girl is on her period just by looking at her gums. That is totally crazy.

Speaking of, I just saw a commercial on TV that said that calcium has been found to reduce the symptoms of PMS. On the commercial, all these dudes were like driving hella-fast to markets and buying as many giant cartons of milk as they could carry. It's good information to know and all, but what is this, 1986? Besides, the kind of girl I would be with would way rather have me bring her cheese and ice cream. Or at the very least, chocolate milk. Which would actually be a double since from most reports I've gathered, women extra-fiend chocolate when they are on their periods.

BTW, did you notice, as I did, that the hit-the-shift-key-5-times-in-a-row-cuz-you-are-a-fidgeter-activates-the-sticky-keys (whatever-the-fuck-that-is) function is no longer present on Windows 2000? It was on 98. Just thought I'd check in. Check.

Warm, partially cooked food is a breeding ground for bacteria.

The moral is, say no to warm, partially cooked food.

I always thought, growing up, that the protagonist of a story was the story's hero. This might seem like a technicality, but the protagonist of a story is actually the story's main character, and there is a difference. Gotta be clear with my elements of fiction, Mr. Ross.

I was watching a little SportsCenter to get a peek at the highlights of the league-leading Dodgers versus the Padres game and was mortified to see that the Padres were wearing camouflage-patterned uniforms (in their brown-yellow-orange colorway). How fucking weird is that? Well I think it is fucking weird.

Next time I have like 5+ vodka cranberries and then decide it would be a good idea to drink a couple of Long Island Iced Teas, whoever I am with, whoever you are, please feel free to just slap me in the face. Please.

Did I ever tell you about the time that I got chorizo nachos at El Farolito? That was good times.

I've been working a lot on embracing this philosophy lately: If someone thinks that something that is dumb is good, it doesn’t mean that they are wrong. It just means that they have bad taste. That's like giving the benefit of the doubt compared to my normal reaction.

Why do I get slimey lips from exercising? Do you know what I am talking about? It ain't sweat; it is something gooeyer.

2 things that spite me: The fact that when I deposit something into my ATM, it always asks if I would like to deposit it into my checking or savings account. You're a machine; you're supposed to be all smart and shit. You fucking know that I don’t have a god damn savings account. You don’t have to rub it in my face. The other thing is the Ticketmaster "convenience" charge. 7 bucks for a 20 dollar show? Fucking fuckers. Funny, it just doesn’t feel convenient.

Stupid song lyrics that have been going through my head since like 1991, Volume 342: "I'm not a sucker so I don’t need a bodyguard."

If you ever search for stuff like "boobs" and stuff on google image search, you will get infinitely superior results if you disarm the "safe search" feature. At least that is what I've heard.

*Rocket surgeon*

You know how when you see some movie/TV star's boobies* and then whenever you see the actress after that, you are always like, "Heh. I've seen your boobies."

*I just watched Fire Walk with Me for the first time in ages. I'd forgotten that you get to see Moira Kelly's boobies in that. And then I was watching One Tree Hill and I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

It=Her boobies.

By: Justin