Go the Lakers. We fucking rule. And yes, we are about to be World Champions again. A special shout out to The Toups's TIVO and the accomodation of the Club Sunset family for letting me watch Game 5 at their house. I know I can be a bit obtrusive during Lakers games.

Speaking of, I would give anything to get Gary Payton mic'ed up during a game. That dude talks shit from the opening jump to the final horn. Fucking awesome. Wouldn’t every basketball fan wanna hear what Gary has to say? If we threw in like 5 bucks each...Or better yet, it could be a pay-per-view type function.

If you are a vegetarian, would it be supergross to you to French kiss (oi, freedom kiss) your significant other after they just ate a hunk of meat?

Getting engaged is weird. Does only the guy ask the girl? Has a girl ever asked a guy? I guess girls say no sometimes, but it seems like the guy knows the girl will say yes when he asks. Is that why the girl doesn’t ask? Would she have to spend a quarter-to-a-third of her salary to buy him a ring if she asked? Is that why the girl never asks?

You know what sucks the most? I had one pair of Marky Mark underwear, which I normally wear right before the silk drawers (aka laundry emergency), though I'd rather do laundry than wear silk drawers (merits mentioning). So I was wearing the pair of Marky Marks and the ex-girlfriend (obviously not the ex-girlfriend at the time) said, "Oh, you look soooooo cute in them." She was really "feelin" em. Heh. So you know my dumbass, nice guy that I am, went out and bought 3 new pairs of Marky Marks, just for her. A short while later, we broke up (I don’t think I even got to wear the maroon pair for her). Now I've got 4 fucking pairs of Marky Mark underwear. Right now I'm way overdue for a laundry day, and what do I have left? 3 brand new pairs of Marky Mark underwear (and 1 old pair of them), and I'm searching for a not-so-dirty pair of dirty regular drawers instead. Any guy will tell you, we can't afford to have brand new drawers that we don’t wanna wear. Fuckin sucks. Bitter buffalo.

Alleve sounds like it is for girls. It's great stuff. Not all that great for you, but highly effective. But for some reason, I feel like the name "Alleve" makes it sound like it should be for "feminine issues."

You're a tower without the bell/You're a negative wishing well. -Silver Jews

I stepped on my trusty belt the other day and broke the buckle. Then, describing to Brian how I had to fix it in a hurry cuz I was late, I called it the great belt debacle. And yes, I think I am so funny.

So I was talking with Jenn and I was kinda gassy and as I finished a sentence I let out a triple burster (relative succession). She said the fart sounded like I was punctuating my sentence with it. My retort: "Punctuating...with a colon."

Popeye should have been Indian cuz they know how to rock the spinach. Nobody does it better. Saag me. Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag me.

Speaking of Indian food, my housemate told me about a place where you can get a naan burrito. You know I almost came. She said that you can get a naan burrito. I'm fucking speechless. I mean, that sounds like a t-shirt: Naan Burrito. I'd buy one. I'd make one...

Last week I pondered the effectiveness of the antihangover medicine, Chaser. This past weekend Jenn said that they have it at her house but haven’t used it yet. She said the directions say to take 2 pills per drink to avoid a hangover. Um, how many pills come in a pack? I think a hangover sounds cheaper. Especially cuz, well, um, nevermind.

My TV shows are in shambles. Lana is supposed to move to Paris (ew), Lucas is moving away with Keith, and Ryan is moving with the character that won't die back to Chino. Clearly Lana would potentially be the biggest loss. One Tree Hill would have to follow Lucas and Keith, and Ryan isn’t that big of a whup comparatively (to the big 3 S's: Summer, Seth, and Sandy). Smallville, on the other hand, loses pretty much all its clout without Lana.

Speaking of One Tree Hill, a couple of episodes ago Peyton called Lucas "dude" and gave him a high 5 (both within a minute of each other too). I almost came (this would be my second time this column, I believe). A hot chick that calls me dude and gives me high 5s, that is what life is all about. Throw in some spitting, some gas, and some nice eyebrows, and we could get married. God forbid I could find a girl to play basketball with me.

I have never done yoga, but I hear that people get very, very relaxed when they do yoga. Yes, that's right. If my sources are correct, if you go to yoga classes you can totally hear hot chicks farting. That is like worth the price of admission right there. Good times...

"I don’t hate you cuz you're fat. You're fat cuz I hate you." -the girl in the wheelchair, talking to a fat chick, from the movie Mean Girls.

Originally I had written for this very column that I totally wanted to see Mean Girls (I wrote that I really wanted to see it on Thursday). Last night, however, I managed to actually talk my housemate into going to see it with me. And it was totally fucking amazing. I don’t even know where to begin. It was hella funny, very clever, had a very talented cast, and totally rocked. I wish I could see it again right now. I wish that I could remember all the great lines at the beginning. Don’t think I'm playing, either. I'm gonna buy that shit on DVD. It was totally sickass.

It Only Happens Once: You've moved away from home and you buy your first new towel. You take it home and you are so excited to rock it. Thinking "It's gonna be like new socks times 1000." You take that shower. You get out. You dry off. Fuck. What the fuck? You got lint shit all over you. Then you end up picking towel lint out of your dick wrinkles for the next 45 minutes (or whatever the appropriate female equivalent might be). You have learned a valuable lesson. When my kids move away, this is the type of information I will give them. Real life information. "Sit down young man. It's time for a father son talk." Children of the world, learn from my mistakes.

I swear I'm not a chick, but I really think I wanna try that Yoplait "Nouriche." I was watching the commercial for it and it looked pretty sexy. It kind of reminded me of Kiefer milk. Do you remember Kiefer milk? For years I have looked in the dairy section of every market I have been to, looking for the blessed Kiefer milk, and it is nowhere to be found. Talk about fond childhood memories...Sigh. Kiefer milk was the shit.

by Justin