Do you ever lose yourself in/when grating cheese, and then suddenly you realize that you grated way too much cheese. But then you go ahead and grate a little more? I think maybe it is a way of saying"sorry" to the cheese gods for having thought that there could be such thing as "too much cheese."

Sorry, cheese.

You know what is sweet? How in Spanish, a sentence that is a question has the question mark at the beginning of the sentence as well. This is especially outstanding for if you are reading aloud. When we read aloud, we read differently, feeling more for the proper tone with which to read (or at least those of us who are good at reading aloud). What better aid could there be than a punctuational warning that told you, "Hey, here comes a question." Makes sense to me.

4=The number of different emails, from different people, that I received alerting me to the fact that George Lucas was going to be on The O.C. And is it me or did he look like he got stung by a hive full of bees and is incredibly allergic. The dude is just downright creepy looking. And swollen.

After The Phantom Menace came out, Alex and I ran to Toys R Us and bought those sweet ass retractable-blade-that-also-glows-and-makes-that-wind-whipping-lightsaber-sound-and-every-other-time-you-whack-it-it-crackles-like-a-lightsaber-does-on-contact. After it sitting there for a long time, neglected, I picked it up a few months ago and it wasn’t working. Now I think the batteries are dead (read hope); either that or the lightsaber is dead. And I am sorta afraid to buy new batteries in the event that it would confirm that my lightsaber is actually dead. Hold on hope, check.

And can someone explain to me one more time exactly why Zack has ANY FUCKING SAY in anything having to do with the comic book? He doesn’t do anything for it. It is Seth's creation, his art, and his words. What the fuck does Zack do?

Seth Cohen's a tool!

Sweet.

And: Caleb is a mediocre evil bad guy. Dan, from One Tree Hill is a superior bad guy if you ask me.

Do you ever wonder what all the worms in your body look like? I do. I am really curious about how many different kinds there are, how long the longest ones are (and how old), and how many pounds they weigh. And we've all heard about the worms that sneak out of your butt in the middle night of the night, causing you to itch your butt in your sleep (or awake). These worms then reenter your body when you put your hand to your mouth. Which really ups the odds for if you are sleeping with someone else in the bed. My ass worms in my mouth = gnar gnar; someone else's ass worms in my mouth = grody.

I don’t even know if Sin City is still out in the theatres or not, but I have to say that if you haven’t seen it and have the opportunity to, you really should. Especially if you are down with violence--particularly revenge-fueled violence. Really fucking graphic violence. The best part about Sin City (Marv) is the simple fact that when a bad guy is about to get gaffled, they don’t just get shot in the head. That is one thing that always drives me nuts in movies. After some evil motherfucker is finally caught, they almost always end up either being shot in the head or taken to jail. Fuck that. I wanna see that person get fucking tortured. A lot. And in Sin City, torture is taken to the level of art form. People (including Alex) spent some quality time and creative energy thinking of and creating cool ways to torture people before killing them. Outstanding.

On Friday night Charlie totally called me out for making some bold claim on or something a couple of months ago that I would have a "That Guy of the Week" in each column. I feel that I have had that guys more often than not since then, but have definitely missed quite a few weeks as well. Ironically, after all of those pint-sized margaritas it is one of the only things that I do clearly remember from Friday night. Allegedly I yelled at some people for defending Lou Barlow, among other things...

Feeble lead-in, check.

The Rest is death.

Candid shot of the reaper playing Clue for souls. Don’t fear the reaper.

Un-Death.

His flicks include:
Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey
The Green Mile
Shawshank Redemption
Tresspass
Tales from the Crypt shit
Die Hard 2
Hard to Kill
Project X

He may not have the longest list of that guy appearances from famous movies (though it merits mentioning that he has 52 movie credits and 26 TV credits, including an appearance on St. Elsewhere, which I used to love as a kid (St. Elsewhere and LA Law were the first TV shows that my parents let a young Mr. Justin stay up til 11:00 to watch. Party-boy), but you gotta look at the quality. He was amazing as Death. Shawshank Redemption is one of the greatest movies of all time (though I would never think to include it on a list, but just to try to change the channel when you stumble across it on TV; I triple-dog-dare you). Die Hard 2 (Die Harder) was a totally solid flick. In Hard to Kill, Steven Seagal said to him, "I'm gonna take you to the bank, Senator Trent. To the blood bank!" Blah blah blah. Why the hell am I defending myself to you?

Whew. Talk about your 6 degrees of Screwface separation.

Oi, separation.

He (different he) always seemed like such a fucking sweet ass bad guy. I never understood why he didn’t just pull the trigger though as he was falling. Use inference. Include 6 degrees of separation from the list of previous films as a hint (oi, separation). Click.

So one major target for my disdain is the Honda CRV-type mini-SUV. I hate those things. It just dawned on me last week that CRV sure sounds an awful lot like a CRX, which, when you think about it is the SUV equivalent of the CRX. Which is not good times. And did you know that the CRV is just a Honda Civic with an ugly body?

I have another brilliant idea (say so myself) that I have already put into action with terrific results: The curry burger. Oh yeah. And it is good. While we are talking about making your own cheesepockets at home, I just have to put this out there: If you are making burgers at home, the most important ingredients to put in the meat are Worchester/barbecue sauce, garlic, and an egg. The sauce brings the flavor, garlic is life, and the egg keeps the burger A): holding together and B): moist and juicy. Which is important, especially since we may sometimes space out and blow right past medium rare...No need to thank me; I'm here to help. FTR those are the staples, there is plenty more that can go into the meat.

Anytime I can work "Daughters of the Alamo" into a conversation, I had a good day.

Check.

I smoke when I masturbate. If you are a nonsmoker, stay that way. But if you are already a smoker, I highly recommend it. It's pretty hard to find a girl that will let you smoke while you are doing it (though it has happened; oi, surmountable), but when masturbating, you are the boss of the show. Take advantage...Sometimes I will even go through a couple of cigarettes...you know, really relax, take my time, and enjoy myself...

Did I ever tell you about one of the many ways I got hosed in my childhood? Foot rubs for a quarter--we aint talking about washed feet footrubs either. We are talking about peeling-off-the-shoes-and-socks-and-giving-a-stinky-foot-footrub-and-having-to-pick-sock-lint-off-Ken's-feet kind of footrub. Ken took advantage. 50 cents for with lotion. I was being exploited all-the-way. Where the hell are child labor laws when you need them? I should have dropped a dime on him, but then that would have been almost 50% of a day's work.

The blessed grace of waking up
Of breathing in the sheets
And hello to you, at the window
Hello to you

Down the hill I'd like to take you to where I shot a little deer
My little dear I'd like to take you down there
Rinsing out the iron cup to have a glass of wine
To have an iron cup of wine dear
To drink it down there
A drunken pair
Goodbye dispair
--Will Oldham/Palace

Drunk Justin thought that this was a really good joke he made up (he had a really good time leaving it on his voice memo):

What do you call a stampede of cows?

Cows on the moooooooooooooooooove.

Thank you. (Maybe you had to be there)

by Justin
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