Here is a little anecdote I wrote to Bert on IM today, after reflecting on my Los Angeles alter ego, The Broadband Bandit (mom has the slammin’ ass internet connection): The race is to see who can download the album faster. The Broadband Bandit clicks on download folder then takes a nap. Little does he realize that for some unexpected reason, his internet connection has been temporarily compromised and he needs to manually restart the download. In the meantime, The Dial-Up Kid, downloading 2 songs at a time whilst multi-tasking on other projects, is able to get the whole album first...whhooooooo weee.

Although in reality, The Dial-Up Kid downloads at an excruciating 2.5 kbps and The Broadband Bandit was able to download music at a blistering 200+kbps and was able to download a whole album exponentially faster than The Dial-Up Kid could even get a single song.

I guess all those fairy tales and stories with "morals" stuff are bullshit.

On a brighter note, I have to tell you that One Tree Hill’s 2 hour season finale was FUCKING AWESOME. Fucking fuck yeah. It has indeed officially usurped The O.C. (bitch) as my favorite TV show. Brownie points for having Laura Palmer on the show as well as a live performance by Jimmy Eat World (I think those tools still owe Mikey like 300 bucks or something). The finale is being replayed tonight (Wednesday) on the WB, although if you have never seen it before and I can’t be there to explain it all to you, I must concede that an awful lot will be lost on you.

Drunk voice memo alert (real pontificating-like): "Have you ever noticed how weird it is that girls have boobs? No matter what they are wearing, girls have boobs and boys don’t. Thank you."

You know what looks super cool that I always wished I could do? Open mail sideways. You know how in like movies and stuff sometimes people open mail by tearing a sliver off of a sideways (vertical) edge? Whenever I try to do that, I always end up ripping what is inside. Makes me mad.

There is something new and amazing happening at the post office. It is seriously the fucking greatest. Makes going there fun. I’ve been going like twice a week just to use it. I was talking with Jenn about it, and she wholly concurred. She actually asked me not to write about it because she doesn’t want word to get out, thereby making this glorious new post office goodness less accessible. So if you want to know what it is, you will have to email her and ask.

Bacon in the microwave: For the last 10 years I have had to listen to people tell me that cooking bacon in the microwave is the best way to cook bacon. To me, if the bacon isn’t crisp, then it is bullshit. Every time I have bacon in the microwave, it is never crisp. But then someone else always tells me that they can make bacon crispy in the microwave. So I tell them to show me. And what they show me is never crispy bacon.

Speaking of bacon, I think that the number one thing that turns vegetarians back into meat eaters is most definitely bacon. That shit smells soooooo good. It is like crack. A vegetarian smells it, starts fiending it, succumbs to its seductive ways, and then next thing you know they are macking carne asada super burritos with a side of beef juice.

Oi, au jus.

Have you seen that Dairy Queen commercial where the office worker guy uses a modified harmonica holder strap thingy (Bob Dylan style) to hold a burger so that he can be hands-free (oi, Bert) burger macking while multi-tasking at work? That is cool.

Is there a single person on Earth who actually likes Sandra Bullock? I just don’t get how she gets to keep making movie after movie after movie. And a lot of them, I’ve been like, "That movie looks cool. I would totally see that if Sandra Bullock wasn’t in it." And I know that I am not alone in thinking said sentiment.

How often do you think to yourself, "...that’s where alcohol comes into play..."

You can put the question mark wherever the hell you want.

They fuck you at the drive through.

This week’s that guy is a memorial tribute to a guy who was on his way to top 5 type status before dying at the age of 55 (all-the-way in his that guy prime, especially considering the type of that guy he always was—a pecker of a that guy*).

His IMDB "trademark" says that he "Plays a lot of cowardly bad guys." Movies include:
Pleasantville Boobies in color>>>>boobies in black and white.
The Negotiator
Breakdown I am pretty sure that this is a quintessential "Gimme back my wife" movie.
Slingblade I really wanna see this again, but I always talk like Billy Bob for 2 weeks afterward, which seems to annoy people.
Executive Decision
Outbreak Not sure why, but a serious Dustin Hoffman always makes me giggly--probably more giggly than a funny Dustin Hoffman.
Blue Chips Perhaps Snaq's finest acting role. Though that is like saying "Today's poop didnt smell as bad as usual."
Loaded Weapon
Sniper Tom Berenger is a phenomenon unto himself.
Hoffa
A Few Good Men Tom Cruise is sooooo intense.
Contact Does this movie actually ever end?
Red Rock West
True Identity
Backdraft How the hell does Kurt Russell get to be famous? Unintentional comedy factor, high.
The Russia House
Misery
The Grifters He beats the crap out of Anjelica Houston in this sweeeeeeetass movie.
Tequila Sunrise
Good Morning Vietnam [After RW calls JT, a sergeant, sir] JT: "Sir? What does 3 up and 3 down mean to you?" RW: "End of an inning?"
House of Games
Tin Men
Hannah and Her Sisters

And of course there are heaps more.

*I was thinking about how funny it would be if someone like that was your uncle or something. Someone who is only famous for being a pecker/asshole. They probably make a good chunk of change, particularly the more famous ones like The Bigga Figga, but a lot probably don’t make a ton. Regardless, they make their living based on the fact that it is easy for people to believe that they are assholes. Which even if it weren’t directly true, it would still be guilt by association. Could you imagine being a 13 year old whose uncle was some that guy putz and having to tell your mom, "I don’t want Uncle _____ to come to my bar mitzvah, he creeps out all the girls."

That whole thing about picking all the lint off of Ken's feet the other day got me thinking about some childhood stuff. I found myself wondering if one of the big threats that my generation faced growing up is still an issue with adolescents today. That issue is toe jam. Do high school kids these days fear and respect toe jam as we did? Do they even know what it is? Deep shit, I know.

Oi, get it? Deep shit...

Sometimes when I get excited, I have been known to say, "I will crush you like a crusher."

Do you ever feel like masturbation or, if you are lucky, sex is the only exercise that you get? I know that the male burns quite a few calories by ejaculating (thereby kickstarting the next round of full speed production of junior Mr. Justin swimteam representatives/tadpoles). Obviously sex--at least when performed correctly--provides more cardiovascular exercise as well.

I was just talking with Jenn on the phone and I asked her which episode of Revenge of the Nerds was the one where Booger was all, "WE'VE GOT BUSH!" She was all, "Isn't that the one where they install a secret camera at the PI house?" I was all, "No. It's the one where the jocks dump the nerds on a deserted island (oi, top 5) with Ogre, and they are exploring the island and Booger comes across a giant marijuana plant and goes, "WE'VE GOT BUSH!" (clearly I love saying and typing that) She was all, "Oh, I'm pretty sure that Booger says that when they are watching the video from the secret camera at the PI house and they see the naked girls." How cool is that? That's not a bad catch phrase.

Plus after they smoke that giant doober on the beach and all the fellas are waxing intellectual on some hardcore nerdy sciencey ideas, Ogre goes, "What if D O G really spelled cat?"

Damn dude, I seriously never spell booger right. I always want to call it bugar. I knew that wasn’t right, so I actually dictionary.commed it, and it wouldn’t even give me the right suggestion. I had to ask my mom how to spell booger. How embarrassing...

Another bright idea I had a few weeks ago--that I have been rocking lately--is the avocado-and-hummus-on-a-pita. The funny thing is that the first time I tried it, my dumb ass wrapped it up like a taco and tried to eat it that way. And it sure was messy. Avocado can get pretty slippery my friend (hopefully I don’t have to tell you). So genius that I am finally realized that I could use the pita as it was initially designed--to be a pocket. Beautiful little marsupialish baby. Long story short: avocado-and-hummus-in-a-pita is all-the-way chill.

"David Blaine is insulting the buried alive community by burying himself alive, cuz that shit is real."
--Amy

Chocolate fondue over the weekend: The strawberries were totally chill, as were the bananas, but that shit hit the next level (blew right past it, to be honest with you) when I decided to get crazy and dip spoonfuls of peanut butter into the fondue.

Nosesweat, check.

Avocado II: Carla was making pasta a couple of weeks ago and I reminded her that her avocado was about to go bad (I am the defender of avocados, in case you didn’t know), so she decided to put it into her pasta. When she offered me a bite, I passed. I don’t really rock the hot avocado. But it did get me thinking; cold pasta salad with avocado sounds like it could be chill. Could be down...

*Calabassas Chicken Theory*

Remember how it was like cool and stuff to burn stuff (and stuff) when we were in middle school/high school? Cool. Symbolism is cool. We just don’t take the time to burn stuff enough anymore, I think.

by Justin
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