I stole this line from Foreman. When someone said they had big hopes about a new change in a bureaucracy, he sarcastically said, "Do you ever watch Gilligan's Island reruns and wonder if this is the time that they are going to get off the island?"

While I am quoting from the TV, the top 3 things that Bill Maher, my hero, has said in the last 3 weeks (1 per week):

2 weeks ago he was talking about all of the various aspects of the debacle that is the Brittany Spears situation, and he asked if it was possible to "unmasturbate" to someone.

Last week he was discussing some of the various problems with the police in this country, and he suggested that perhaps they should change the sign on the door of the police car from "To Protect and Serve" to "What the Fuck Are You Looking At?"

This week he said that as moronic as the Bush administration has been, it can't be all their fault. The Democrats must shoulder some blame for being such giant, apologetic pussies. In reference to Jimmy Carter's recent backtracking on his initial highly critical remarks of the Bush administration, Bill said that Jimmy should have stuck to his guns and said, "No. I meant what I said because it is true. And speaking as the first citizen of Habitat for Humanity, let me take out my Jimmy Carter toolbox and build you a house where we can meet and you can blow me." Damn that's hot.

At no extra charge: Bill Maher asked us if, forced to choose, as Americans, would we eliminate the use of one of our most prized technological advances, the remote control, if it meant that we could eliminate global warming? The following week, whilst discussing the issue with the bees, he mentioned that researchers have found that bees are incredibly harmed by the electromagnetic signals that cell phones emanate; the bees have this awful tendency of falling from the sky when they come across the signals. If the bees were to become extinct, scientists hypothesize that humans wouldn't exist for too much longer. Bill Maher said that the bees thing is perhaps nature's way of saying, "Can you hear me now?"

What if I told you that there was a girl held captive in her basement by this stalker guy, who also had her former best friend, whom she had recently grown to hate, tied up next to her, and the stalker was going to kill the former best friend as a gift to the girl of his dreams. She manages to sweet talk her way out of her bondage under the false pretense that she suddenly realizes she loves him--she wants to be the one to get to enjoy killing her former bestie. The stalker unties her and gives her his knife. Just as she is about to stab bestie, she suddenly pivots and stabs stalker, who falls down with a knife lodged in his shoulder. She goes to untie the ex-bestie, but the stalker is clearly only wounded, not dead. She chooses not to hit him with the chair while he is down, stunned. He recovers before she can untie bestie, so she leaves bestie (hey, it is ex-) and runs out of the basement. You might think she would run out of the house, onto the street. No. She runs upstairs and doesn’t even lock the door of the room in which she is hiding. He opens the door, and knowing she is there despite the fact that the room is dark, starts speaking to her menacingly. She jumps out of the shadows with a stun gun and zaps him! He falls again. She says that she isn’t scared of him any more. Wait, what's this? She has on kickboxing gloves! He slowly gets up, then she starts hitting him and he gets kind of hurt and falls a third time. He slowly gets up again (read: a third time) and this time as she tries to kick him, he catches her leg. He throws her down and starts to get undressed. Dialogue: "Did you really think you could beat me?" Suddenly ex-bestie enters the room, clearly having freed herself, and hits stalker guy with a big, indistinguishable stick. Stunned again, he rolls off her, hurt. Ex-bestie watches stalker guy to see if he is ok. By the time she realizes he is, it is too late for her to hit him again with said stick. For 30 seconds there is some inappropriately hot fighting, 2 on 1 style. The fight moves toward the stairs, where ex-bestie crouches behind stalker guy at the edge of the stairs and says, "Remember 9th grade cheerleading camp?" at which point our protagonist kicks the stalker who trips over the girl behind him and falls down the stairs.

What if I said it was her prom night too?

PS Please excuse the 2 exclamation marks. They were really the only way to truly convey the suspense and adrenaline of their respective moments.

Number of exclamation marks: 2.

Number of sentences started with he or she: 13.

Not having to have watched One Tree Hill, but to still get the dramatic feel of it?

If you could make taboo an adverb, it would be tabooly.

Dude, when Yoda was a kid at the Jedi Academy, do you think his instructors gave him bad grades on his essays for using the passive voice?

Bureaucracy might be the hardest word in the world for me to spell, and my spelling is aces. I always spell it wrong, even after having consciously acknowledged in the past that I suck at spelling it. I spell is so badly that on spellcheck it still comes up as plutocracy. I have to struggle to find misspellings that are at least close enough that the spellcheck gives me the correct revision choice.

According to the Western Medicine Lady, and I quote, "William Faulkner is the Cuban cigar of American authors." Like I could make that up.

So I was accused, indirectly, recently, of being selfish. Now that is poppycock. I am many unflattering things, and have my fair share of issues, but selfish? I figure that this is a good time to lay my issues on the table. I have issues around trust. I just don’t believe people. Most people I've met in my life seem to be full of shit, or pushing something, one way or another. I don’t think that it's a fledgling self-esteem thing or anything, but I just have a hard time expecting much of people (outside of those who I know and in whom I believe). Also, I am a jealous motherfucker. How could I not be? I am so much cooler than anybody else; why would you want to hang out with them when you could hang out with me? Did I mention that they are lame (whoever they are), and I am cool? My other big issue is money. I had the most interesting conversation with my kids around this idea. We are reading Things Fall Apart, which is as cool as cool gets, and we were talking about money issues and childhood. The idea that I proposed was that when you grow up with all the economic accoutrements, you don’t ever really fear losing them, but when you grow up with nothing, as you start to gain things, you recognize the contrasting lifestyle that goes with them and have to deal with this extra level of fear/motivation that is never wanting to be poor again. So I got that going for me, which is nice.

When it's one of those nights where I fear that my plans will suck balls and it's going to be a tough time and I know that my ability to last more than 45 minutes at some lame bar/party will be based on not just getting drunk at the event, but showing up drunk, when I am sitting at home on my couch thinking about how comfortable it is and how futile my night may well be, I feel like I am Han Solo in the Death Star, looking at the Millennium Falcon, about to bum rush the ship for the big getaway, but feeling pretty positive that the old man didn’t deactivate the tractor beam--and it will be a short trip.

I'm pretty sure that that last paragraph was all one sentence. And I'm not even going to change it. Come to my house and blow me.

You know how you can buy jeans with alternative pockets, like back pockets in the front? I could never, ever wear those. I would always feel so self-conscious, like I was wearing my pants backward. Or just like I was the jackass that was wearing jeans with back pockets in the front. It does merit mentioning that I might have thought that they were cool in middle school. Although that in and of itself probably only further proves my adult Mr. Justin's assessment.

Despite all of the amazing dialogue throughout The Wire, the best line in the 4 seasons is perhaps the most concise. In Season 4, after that dipshit Hauk has ruined Bunk's homicide investigation by being the dumbass that he always is, Bunk says, "You simple fuck." That is sweet. I need to start incorporating that into my own speech.

Also merits mentioning:

"How do you expect to run with the wolves at night when you spend all day sparring with the puppies?"
Omar

If quasi and pseudo got into a fight, who do you think would win?

Not that I am a big proponent of polo shirts or anything, but I've always wondered, why the fuck do polo shirts always have that weird coattail thing in the back half of the bottom hem? Do you know what I'm talking about? It's just so stupid looking. Is there some practical purpose to it that I just don’t get?

This week's that guy is inspired by an email from Sage who seems to think that Spiderman 3 rivals Enemy of the State as the greatest that guy ensemble cast of all time. Now that is a debate for another time--plus I won't be seeing that flick until it hits Netflix. I will, however, drop beaucoup propers on Sage for this call. He is an accomplished songwriter, having written some song that was featured in Xena: Warrior Princess. Other than that, his biggest claim to fame is that he is the brother of directors Ivan Raimi and Sam Raimi, who have put him into a number of their films. *stat padders* As a young buck, he was also babysat by the inimitable Bruce Campbell. Although you can't see his chainsaw hand in the picture, you can see his boomstick.

Spiderman 3
The Grudge
Tales from the Crapper (awesome film title--he played "Next door neighbor")
Spiderman 2
Spiderman (yes, all directed by his bro)
For Love of the Game
Wishmaster
Clear and Present Danger
Hard Target (tagline: "Don't hunt what you can't kill." Not quite as philosophical as Rabbi Mahler...)
Bikini Squad (where, with no nepotism, he was able to earn himself the role of "Scared Onlooker")
Army of Darkness
Patriot Games
Candyman (Candyman, Candyman, Candyman, Candyma-)
Darkman (geeky, but still kinda badass)
Shocker (no more Mr. Nice Guy)
Evil Dead 2
Evil Dead (yes, all directed by his bro)

by Justin
If you want to be added to the mailing list for future columns or if you wanna give me a piece of your mind, hit the link above or email me at justin@cheesepockets.com