I gotta start this sucker off by saying happy birthday to my favoritest brother around, my brother. RR, Rude-Dude, Ry-Guy. I love you even if you never lift up the toilet seat when you pee and make cats tremble at just the mere sight of you. Happy birthday, Ryan. Ladies, he is single...and he is all man. Almost primitive in his machisimo.

Also, little known fact: My half and half expires today. Such is the cycle of life--births and deaths. Although since it is a tall boy and I still have like a quarter of it left, I will be using it for the next 2 to 3 days. Thank you.

I have a scanner and I am touching it right now.

Special thanks to Niko for the scanner action.

5: The number of points that I beat Amber by in Gin Rummy and the number of dollars I won when I bet her that that was Uncle Phil playing a tough guy cop in Fletch.

FACE.

Metermaid or Mall Security Guard? I guess if you are a metermaid you are a city worker so you get full benefits but everybody physically hates your guts and you get no respect anywhere and you are a maggotburger. A mall security guard gets no respect either, but nobody cares enough about you to hate you, you don’t have to drive one of those interceptors, you can eat Hot Dog on a Stick everyday for lunch and Mrs. Field's for dessert, and you can just post in front of Wet Seal and chickenhawk on the clock.

Not that I like her or anything, but I heard that when Drew Barrymore was a little kid, she ate at least one avocado every single day. She thought that they were delicious (she was right) and she thought that they were vegetables (she was rightish), so she thought that they must be good for her (avocados are good for you, but when eaten in abundance they are bad for you as well). So she got fat and stuff. Seems to me like she never fully recovered all-the-way. Seems like she might have some avocado stuffed in those cheeks to this day...

I always think about how funny it was in The Karate Kid when Danielson is trying to teach Elizabeth Shue how to dribble a soccer ball on her knee, and she sort of has a crush on him so she pretends to care and try for a little while. But then she gets tired of trying, so instead of stopping, she just kicks the ball as far as she can (forcing him to go run off to retrieve it). I think that is pretty hot.

Reminds me, Amber says her favorite rebuke to a guy hitting on her is, "I can't really talk right now. My car is double-parked outside." That is a good one.

You know what is weird? That I have never actually bought that lotiony toilet paper. I've rocked the lotiony tissue paper, and that shit is chill--a little greasy, but chill. It keeps your nose from getting all beat up when you have a cold. I can only imagine how smooth and soothing the lotiony TP would be. Why the hell have I never pulled the trigger on that? And now, to up the ante, I have been recommended to try baby wipes. That's right, and that sounds fucking brilliant. I will keep you abreast.

The whole SUT phenomenon is definitely one of the more aesthetically pathetic trends out there right now. Those things are pretty fucking ugly I think. The weirdest part is the like superfancy ones, like the Escalade SUT/truck thingy. According to Brian, those things start in the high 40s and easily go to 55 grand plus (and are about the same price as a regular Escalade). That is a lot of money to spend without giving a friend the opportunity to stage an intervention.

Everybody thinks they have good taste...

When I am bored I like to make sentences where all the letters in the words of the sentence add up to multiples of some number (chosen by me in advance). E.g., if I chose multiples of 5, I will try to think of sentences that have letters that all added up would come out to a multiple of 5. I will try to keep adding to a sentence to see how long I can make it and stuff. I've been doing this for as long as I can remember. In high school, when I took Spanish, I used to try to do it with Spanish sentences. What do you do?
PS That was actually the skill set that yielded the Sea Shanty/Murky Sargasso shirt that Bert and I made.

If there is a better way to say "I love you" than oral sex, I'm not sure what it is.

I hadn’t been to Haight Street in a while, so I figured I ought to go down there and peep a little game; you know, check out the shoes and all. First, I gotta say, the shoes stores have fallen off bigtime. Shoebiz II, which used to be the shit, has gone way off the deep end. It was weird enough when they started carrying all those wrestling shoe looking shoes, but now they have all those weird aqua socks looking shoes that have like a split between the big toe and next in command. Just fucking piles upon piles of them.

OK, the most disturbing part about my trip to Haight was to find out that they had opened up an American Apparel store there. I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF AMERICAN APPAREL. Their clothes don’t even fit right. And the store was soooooo expensive. It was totally retarded. Made me mad. And I swear that despite the fact that there were plenty of guys and girls in there, I was the only person in the whole fucking store who weighed more than 115 pounds. FUCK THAT SHIT.* Not only that, but everyone in there dressed like the way that American Apparel shirts fit on me. You know how when a t-shirts just isn’t long enough (lengthwise, duh). That makes me feel really uncomfortable and not wanna leave my house, yet I felt like I was at a too-short-t-shirt-lengthwise fucking convention or something.

PS I'm sober right now, and I am really riled up.

I miss the look and feel of the sweatshop t-shirt. There, I said it. Besides, as Aliyya would tell you, we are very removed when we lobby so hard against sweatshops. Not that sweatshops are good, and not that they pay a fair wage to their workers, but if a sweatshop in Malaysia folds, what other options does a Malaysian sweatshop worker have? It may seem like they are getting exploited to us--and guess what, they are--but perhaps that Malaysian person would rather get exploited and have a shitty job than have no job at all, and overall economic assistance from having a form of industry in their community versus the unemployment. Just saying...it ain't black and white.

*PABST BLUE RIBBON.

What would a burger look like if it was 10.5 pounds of meat, had 25 slices of cheese, a whole head of lettuce, 3 tomatoes, 2 onions, and a cup-and-a-half each of mayonnaise, relish, ketchup, and mustard? Man, that would need one big fucking bun. How about this one.

All Summer in a Day (half-hour made-for-TV special): All these kids live on a planet where it always is raining and the sun only comes out for an hour once every 7 years. And there are all these kids who have like never really seen the sun before and there is a girl in their class who comes from a different planet and has seen the sun before and so she misses it more but the other kids don’t like her (for no real reason) so they lock her up in a shack for the hour that the sun does come out. Whew, good runon right there. So anyways, I actually didn’t realize that it was based on a Ray Bradbury short story until I went to IMDB to look it up to make sure I had the title right. So in the story, when the sun came out all these flowers started blooming and stuff and all the kids picked them and stuff and then after the sun left and they realized that they had locked up that girl for the whole hour and she'd gotten hosed they gave her all the flowers they picked. The End.

While we are talking about impactful television programming from our early years, I also gotta name drop Bridge to Terabithia too. Same school of films, I think. But you can add Bridge to Terabithia to the ever-growing list of movies that are going to be remade. BTW, is it my imagination, or are they remaking Bad News Bears too? BTW II, Bert sent us out a link that talks about how they are making Dallas into a feature film. My sources tell me that Brad Pitt is being considered for Bobby. The bigger question, though, is who will play JR? Who out there is evil enough? Hmmmm...

Remember when watching the old school Spice Channel was like a national pastime and shit? We would sit in front of the wavy-lined TV screen for huge hunks of time, just hoping that a good clear boobie shot would come through every once in a while. I don’t know if god did it to spite us or what, but I feel like the most common clear TV shots were always of some guys face--who invariably had a mustache--as he was about to go (AKA close-ups of the guy's O-face).

by Justin
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