I often have to ask people what the number day is. I forget. Sometimes when they tell me, my first thought is, "Damn, my half and half is 3 days old." Weird that I can remember the stamped date on my half and half even though I haven’t looked at it since I bought it over a week ago, but I can't remember what date today is even though I knew what date yesterday was (probably). And furthermore, with regard to milk, I actually am totally fine with giving half and half a 3 day window. I don’t necessarily go much beyond that though. Why does it seem like the thicker (higher %) the milk, the longer it will last past its expiration date? I mean, the nonmilk part of milk is basically water, right? So shouldn’t the lower milk % milk last longer? Water don’t go bad too fast...

Since we are talking about dairy, I have a sort of question/epiphany that I could use some feedback on. First of all, I hate sour cream. It is my biggest nemesis. But I do know that people fucking love sour cream, so this question is directed at you. Why don’t you people rock sour cream on burgers? It doesn’t make any sense to me at all why you don’t. If anyone has any insight on this one, I'm all ears.

The least Jenn could do, after making me read Infinite Jest, was to tell me this joke. When did David Foster Wallace's now-ex-girlfriend stop reading his break up letter to her? At footnote 42. If you've read any of the book, you know that is a good one.

Speaking of, Jenn said: "She thinks that I'm socially retarded, and I kinda am, but only in social settings." Shades of The EOC...

"I just don’t need none of that Mad Max bullshit"-Modest Mouse

So I got my 10-year High school reunion invitation in the mail. Giggle giggle. What the fuck is a no host bar? That is what it says on the invitation (that it is a no host bar). Does that mean I get to make my own drinks? I'd probably need to if I were to go. Knowing Culver City High School, I'm surprised it ain't BYO.

Kevin: RR told me that you still check out the site sometimes. If you get this, dude, you should totally email me. It'd be great to catch up and stuff...We could go to the reunion together...Just kidding about the reunion part.

What the fuck does the term "seat of my pants" mean? I think that is stupid.

Once a monkeyboy, always a monkeyboy: so when I was a little kid, my mama would take me to the beach. I'm a relatively fair-skinned fellow, so I had to wear sunscreen. And back then, due in part to the monkeyboyness, my mama would make me wear old school white zinc oxide (shit don’t come off from nothing). The thing is, when we would go to the beach, as soon as I hit the sand, I was fucking gone. No way that lady ever had a chance of catching me (I get pretty pumped--partyboy). So her solution: she would put the zinc on my face BEFORE we got in the car to go to the beach. Which sucked balls. Talk about emotional scarring. You know how hard it is to pick up chicks when you got zinc schmeared all over your face? Never mind that I was like 7 years old...

Allison said: "My biggest fear is that I will get back acne and I won't know about it."

Show of hands: When I say ex- ex-girlfriend, how many of you think I mean ex-girlfriend that I am back together with, as in double negative=positive? How many of you think that it means 2 ex-girlfriends ago? I clearly think it is the latter, but there seems to be some dissention.

Whenever I go get fish and chips, I am always so pumped for malt vinegar. And I always say to myself, "I'm gonna start having vinegar with my fries all-the-time." But I never do. FTR I am all about the mayo on the fries. I don’t use ketchup at all. And one of my favorite parts of this past weekend was that I got called a condiment whore (I am). Sounds like another t-shirt. But I wanted to make dairy whore t-shirts (I am) before, and I don’t think I can go making 2 different whore shirts. These are the tough decisions I have to wrestle with.

I was in a class, and people were having a class discussion about people who were Mouseketeers and went on to become famous. I started tuning out bigtime. A couple of minutes later, I managed to pick up someone saying that JT was originally a Mouseketeer. Now this surprised the shit outta me. I turned to my friend that was sitting next to me and asked, "Did they just say that the Bigga Figga was a Mouseketeer?" She explained that they were actually talking about Justin Timberlake. But now I am really into the idea of gangsta Mouseketeers.

When is a diet pill worth 153 dollars a bottle? When it works, really works.

2 things that really suck (and that I hate looking for and loathe needing one of when I am out): stamps and checks. Stamps suck in one way and checks in another, but they share one thing in common: obsoleteness (that's a really real word btw).

I always thought it was pretty fucked up that they put Edward Scissorhands on a waterbed to sleep. Talk about your recipes for disaster.

So now that I am about 2+ months into my first ever cell phone (and hopefully not being too much of one of those cell phone people), I gotta say that my favorite part about it is the voice memo. I used to always tell my ex- ex-girlfriend (you should know exactly what I mean or you have reading comprehension issues too) that she should be carrying around a pad of paper and pen to write down the brilliant things I said. Surprisingly, this never went over well and I was never able to convince her to help me out in this way. Now, years later, I don’t need her anyways. I just voice memo my observations and quips (oh, I've got quips). Which is awesome. Especially the drunk ones.

This may be different for girls than for boys, but I know that I would way rather be all-the-way naked than in a shirt and no bottoms. That is A) not a good look for guys, and B) doesn’t feel even remotely cool to the wearer. Do you know what I mean?

The most erotic non-porno movie moments of my childhood, Part II (Evil pale chick from Superman II torturing an astronaut on the moon being the first in this series): How hot was it when Princess Leah, in the apex of Carrie Fisher's career, was all dressed up as a slutty lap dancer on Jabba's barge (in Return of the Jedi) and choked him whilst scantily clad? Pass me a pillow.

Speaking of, I just gotta put this out there. The best of the trilogy is Empire Strikes Back. It narrowly edges out Star Wars for top billing, with Return of the Jedi being a distant third (not to say that it isn’t still a great movie, but it can't compete with the previous 2). As far as the most recent Star Wars movies, all I can say is, thank you, capitalist pig, for trying to ruin my childhood and make a buck all at the same time.

We have this really shitty coffee table at my house. It wobbles and stuff--one of the legs is just dying to come off. I was chatting with my housemate Megan about the state of affairs of the apartment furniture (of which there is certainly some room for upgrades), and she said, "That table is on its last leg." She didn’t even get it til I whacked her. It was a good one. Maybe I should be pawning it off as my own. Not that I would ever do such a thing.

I still don’t understand why until is officially abbreviated as till.

*This guy*

So I know that you can get a DUI on a bicycle. But what about other wheeled methods of transportation? Could you get a DUI on a wheelchair? What if it was one of those electric ones? What about those old-people-scooter-things? Those things seem rad. If I had one, I'm sure I would drive it around inebriated from time to time. Get drunk and drive that thing straight into Safeway to get my shopping on.

Speaking of old/handicapped people, here is something I never understood. The slowest drivers out there are old people and the people with the handicapped placards. This doesn’t make sense to me at all. Once they get out of the car, they will be moving slow as molasses, so while they are in the car--the great equalizer--wouldn’t they wanna haul ass? I would.

Did I ever tell you about this lady (older lady, funny-colored-hair-type-old) in one of my classes who, when we were talking about potentially implementing some rather difficult theory in a high school classroom and the professor asked us how we would go about doing it, said that she would "take it in the back door." Needless to say I lost my shit (haha), and had to chew a hole through my lip to not laugh aloud. And still a few giggles escaped and I tried to play them off as snorting and stuff. And I started sweating I was trying so hard not to laugh. And I couldn’t look up at any of my comrades in the class cuz I knew we all had to try to get through it on our own (potentially devastating domino effect). Just thought I would share.

by Justin