Top 5 Kitchen Things All People Should Know: 1. Don't use metal on Teflon. You will destroy the Teflon and it will get into the food you make; Teflon is very, very bad to eat. Cancer-type bad.
2. Squeeze out a sponge when you are done using it and put it above, not in, the sink. It will have a longer "shelf life," if you will pardon the pun.
3. The brita must be filled to at least the point of touching the bottom of the filter, otherwise the filter will dry out and will nullify its, um, filtering prowess.
4. Fear and respect raw poultry.
5. Don’t make a big deal out of it if I am cooking in the kitchen with your mama. It's natural.

Sage and RR and I were talking and we were talking about how Ben's lady owns a place called "Panty Raid" (bonus) and RR's lady's dad owns a hanger manufacturing company, and Sage was all, to RR, "At least if you get her pregnant it will be easy to take care of." Inappropriate.

There is probably a really obvious explanation for this, but why is it called a fifth of alcohol if it is 750 milliliters? That doesn’t make any sense to me. It's not enough to get 5 people wasted either, so I am all out of ideas. Little help?

How about this for a new twist on an old favorite sibling torture move (a little background: I used to aim the remote at RR when we were kids and press the buttons and say, "Radiation, radiation, radiation, radiation... I'm radiating you..." and he would be all scared and shit): What if I stuck the remote up his butt, but left it out enough so that I could still press the button, thereby radiating him directly on the inside?

I love horror movies. And there are occasional times when I think that checking out a horror movie would be totally sweet. I go to the video store and I search and search for something that doesn’t look totally stupid and god awful. But it is so hard. The other night I was with Amber and we had the urge to get a horror movie, so we were looking through the horror section and found this one movie called "Frailty" or some shit like that, that I had never heard of but that she said she had. It looked pretty cool, and Fatboy gave it thumbs up. I don’t know why I put any stock in Fatboy, or any other critics for that matter, but it seems like two-thirds of the movies in the horror section don’t even have theatrical releases, so just for a horror film to be reviewed is probably an accomplishment. Anyways, so Frailty (or whatever it was called) had Chet and Powers Boothe and Matthew McConaughey in it, so it wasn’t a B movie at least, though it merits mentioning that Chet is a total wiener and Matthew McConaughey is a total wanker--Mr.-Look-At-Me-I-Am-So-Buff-And-Yet-Such-A-Pussy (except in Dazed and Confused, of course). Anyways, so we sit down to watch it, full of hope; at least if it disappoints in scary-factor, it could still be a good movie. Cue the opening credits, and any hope I had for salvation is crushed at the screen flashes with: Directed by Chet. I knew I was fucked. Bigtime. What kind of asshole lets Chet direct a movie? What kind of asshole rents a movie directed by Chet? Hey, that's not fair, I didn’t know. Needless to say, the movie was completely stupid and not scary AT ALL. Fuckers.

Just to be clear, it is easy to measure if a horror movie is actually scary. The easiest way to tell is if, when watching the movie alone, you feel a little creeped out/anxious about going to the bathroom during/after the film.

How about some Top 5 scariest movie list action? I'll show you mine if you show me yours:

1. The First Power: Chavez y Chavez fights a murderer who has already been executed via the death penalty but has been granted The First Power so that he can come back to life and kill more people--possessed nuns and stuff like that freak me the fuck out.
2. The Exorcist: A classic. Seeing the movie again recently, I was a bit disappointed. It was longer and slower than I remembered, but that demon shit is still creepyville. Fuck me Jesus.
3. Poltergeist: I don’t even really remember anything about this movie, except the steak walking across the counter. It's actually only rated PG, but I had to put it on the list cuz this movie scared the shit out of me as a kid more than anything else has ever scared the shit out of me EV ER.
4. Most Stephen King stuff: At least the old stuff. He writes too many books and too many straight-to-video stuff for me to possibly keep up, and I haven’t read a book of his in a really long time (though I will read Eye of the Dragon again one day; that book is sickfuckingass), but I used to love them and his old movies were pretty scary too. Name dropping: Cat's Eye, Christine, It, Children of the Corn, Carrie, Misery, Pet Sematary (not my spelling), Silver Bullet, and of course, The Shining.
5. Candyman: Fuck yeah, Candyman is so fucking sweet. When visiting Mikey in Chicago once, I had him drive me by the projects where they filmed Candyman. Ghetto. Wait, does that count as saying it 3 times? And excellent use of bees, which I hate and are scary too. Bonus points cuz the dude, Candyman, guest starred for a couple of episodes on the short-lived TV show Boston Public; he played the long lost son of Mr. Lipshitz, the batty old Jewish English teacher. Good times...

Merits Mentioning: Jaws (in childhood, this movie was A-Fucking-1-Scariest movie on Earth if it was watched within 1 week of a beach day), Amityville Horror, Dawn of the Dead (the remake; it is supersweet and does a much better job of utilizing the whole "trapped in a mall" teenage fantasy than The OC (bitch)), The Twilight Zone, The Entity (bonus points since it is based on a "true story" about a possessed house in Culver City and in the movie, the woman that lives there gets fingered by a ghost while she is sleeping and she actually cums! And this is like an old 70s classic film, not a dirty-to-be-dirty modern flick), the whole Freddy/Jason/Mike thing (never got a hard-on for those, but they are alright), The Omen, Shocker (sweeeet), Silence of the Lambs (a genre stretch, but creepy as all hell, and derivation of the now immortal "It puts the lotion in the basket"), Jacob's Ladder (goosebumps galore), The Serpent and the Rainbow, Psycho, and The People Under the Stairs.

When I was a young, young Mr. Justin, my biggest recurring nightmare was that I would have to get up in the middle of the night to go pee and after I would walk into the bathroom, The Count (from Sesame Street, but bigger and waaaaaaaaaaay scarier) would be hiding behind the door and lock me in (with him). He would say something to the effect of, "Count to 10 or die" as he would start coming at me, but I would be too scared to be able to count to 10 when he was running up on me. I had that fucking dream all-the-time. Count this, bitch.

The old dancing guy that does like 6 Flags commercials and dances at ballparks and stuff is totally weird (I think it was EOC who once said, "I don’t think that he is actually old") and annoying and stuff, but what I am wondering is, is it all the same guy? Does he have his shtick copyrighted? Does he franchise out the act? If it is only him, will he pass it on to his son (when the time is right, of course)?

Sage and I took a trip to Tito's. When we sat down to eat it, I felt this immense calm wash over me as I realized that it is nice to be able to eat Tito's without RR there cuz that little bitch likes to pick the grated cheese off of my tacos that are still in the box and put them on the tacos that he is eating. AKA he steals my cheese. Which makes me feel guarded and defensive, when I should be busy relaxing and enjoying my Tito's.

No exciting lead-in for this week's that guy. Not a bad-guy that guy, just a meat-and-potatoes that guy, who has appeared in 83 different films. These, not the more glamorous, are the backs on which the whole that guy phenomenon is built.

The Amityville Horror (Thank god for another remake)
Dogville
A House on a Hill (How many that guys can share credits with Henry Rollins?)
The Sum of All Fears (One of those movies that you've seen whether you've seen it or not)
The Contender (Pour a sip out for Christian Slater. I don’t understand what happened to his career)
Lost Souls (With the *tough guy from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
Rules of Engagement (See The Sum of All Fears)
The Talented Mr. Ripley (Oh, Matt Damon...)
Magnolia (Not a short film)
The Insider (Mmmm, cigarettes)
Psycho (Another remake. Merits mentioning that Vince Vaughn played Norman Bates)
Enemy of the State (I'm telling you, this is not only the greatest assembly of that guys of all time, it is also a cool flick; kind of nerdy, but cool)
Rush Hour
The Truman Show
Boogie Nights (Yes! I get to say it. Wait for it...Chest Rockwell!)
Air Force One (The tagline is "Harrison Ford is the President of the United States [bitch]")
The Rock
Cigarettes and Coffee (Not to be confused with Coffee and Cigarettes. This movie gets mentioned for 2 reasons. Well, 3 actually. Coffee and cigarettes are 2 of my favorite things on Earth (the first 2). The third is that it has Bob Morton from Robocop in it, who does tonies off of a hooker's boobies (in Robocop))
Ghostbusters II (Remember the Bobby Brown song and his cameo in the movie?)
How I Got Into College
Say Anything (They're Bavarian Dutch-style pretzels)
Midnight Run
Three O'Clock High (Word up)
Also prolific on the small screen: Chris would recognize him from Everwood, the rest of us would recognize him from Falcon Crest, Seinfeld and Cheers (how many actors can boast that?), LA Law, Family Ties, Hardcastle and McCormick, M*A*S*H*, and Good Times.

*He is another that guy. He also played the punk dude in Some Kind of Wonderful. Bonding with Eric Stoltz, he uttered this timeless gem whilst showing Eric a drawing he was working on: "This is what my girlfriend would look like if she had no skin."

Still more RR coming next week; what can I say, I'm a little backed up.

by Justin
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