I've seen a lot of happy cats in my life. And I know that most cats are really smart. But I don’t know if there is any better combination of happy and smart cats than the ones that live in the parking lot area of Hide Sushi, my favorite sushi place on Earth. Those fuckers probably eat better than I do.

We were preparing all the food for a big feast, and Amber was shucking corn, and I said, "Amber is on corn duty." Oi, get it?

Have I ever mentioned that corn doody is like the most funnest thing of all time? If there is corn around, even if I ain't in the mood, I will power down at least a few bites, just for ramification's sake. This also brings up a good point that is made by an autistic kid in the book "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time." He mentions how humans probably aren’t supposed to eat corn, since our bodies don't really process it. Interesting if you think about it.

My mom just told me that she likes to treat herself to putting a non-pareil in her mouth before she gets in the shower, and just letting it melt in her mouth during the shower. If that ain't good times, I don’t know what is.

More Jew than you: Remember when we used to all go to Big J's pizza on Tuesday nights for their large pizza with 3 toppings and a pitcher of soda for $9.99 and one day Mikey came up with this brilliant strategy, which was to ask the Big J's employee to put the ice in our soda drinking cups instead of in the pitcher, thereby giving us a serious upgrade in soda quantity. Plus the soda was RC.

Bonus

Why do real estate people always advertise on bus stops? Seriously. I don’t get it. Facial recognition is real though. There is this dude in LA, named Martin Feinberg (there is even a freebee notepad with his mug on it right in front of me as I type this), and I was at Hide Sushi with my ma, and this guy walks in and he looks so fucking familiar to me. At first I thought maybe he was a that guy or something; then, after staring at him for a while (so subtle, I know), I realized that it was Martin-fucking-Feinberg, real estate guy, at the sushi place. I was really tempted to go ask for his autograph, just to be a putz, but was far too sober (with ma, remember). I mean, I recognized a realtor in a city in which I don’t even live. He mailed out this card (ew, they're all barefoot and junior looks like a fucking clone of Marty) of his family to the whole westside, and I could tell you that it wasn’t his wife he was eating with. Scandalous...

In honor of my ma, I would like to post my first that-girl-that-guy., who also appears in the greatest that guy movie of all time, Enemy of the State. She learned to act from *Todd Bridges' mom, and went to Westchester High School. What's not to like? Did I mention that she got her start on 227? Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet.

Her 25 film credits include:
Miss Congeniality 2
Ray (I think this is about a blind guy)
A Cinderella Story (starring Lucas from One Tree!)
Daddy Day Care
If These Walls Could Talk 2 ( )
Mighty Joe Young (Chet alert, Chet alert)
Enemy of the State (Boo ya ka tribe)
How Stella Got Her Groove Back ( )
Jerry Maguire
Friday (it's no Next Friday, but it is good)
Higher Learning
Boyz n the Hood
227
She even had a guest appearance on Northern Exposure, one of the most underrated TV shows in history. Although I always hated Chris, the radio guy, cuz he is a cheesy maggot.

*When I was in high school, I was the TA for a peer counseling class (that trained us how to counsel our peers). Our teacher, Mr. Zager (sp?), somehow managed to get Todd Bridges to come in to speak with us (just our small little class). Todd gave his whole don't do drugs spiel and sorta lectured to us for a while. Then it was comments and questions time from the class. This one dude Chris, who was pretty cool, raised his hand and said something to the effect of: "I hear what you're saying, but don’t you think that it is important for us to make our decisions sometimes, even if they are wrong?" And Chris made a couple other little comments. Todd pretty much ignored him, So Mr. Z said, "So Todd, what do you think of young Chris here?" And Todd said something like, "I think he is a real dumbass." Chris jumped up and said, "Fuck you and fuck the eastside" or some mess like that. Though they were on opposite ends of the room, they both literally charged across the room, throwing desks out of the way as they went, and got into a fistfight. Sweeeeeeeeeeet.

Speaking of, growing up in the "Heart of Filmland" was definitely not without its advantages. We would often get adolescent film stars to come in to Culver City Middle and High School to talk with us about the dangers of drugs and stuff like that. See, all those partyboys would get like probation from judges when they get busted for drugs. Probation includes community service, which for them can be going in to the schools to tell kids to say no to drugs and stuff. Now my memory of who all came in is a little hazy (mostly cuz of the drugs and stuff), but I am for sure that both Corys, Feldman and Haim, came to CC. I am pretty sure that at least one or more of the following came in: Robert Downey Jr., Rob Lowe, and Alyssa Milano. You would think I'd remember if Alyssa Milano came into my high school, but I beat off to her so much back then, it is hard to separate reality from fantasy. Again, I blame the drugs and stuff.

I was talking with some people the other day, and I know this might sound totally dense and all, but I realized that I have areolas too. Not that they're the same; they pale in comparison. But still...

Socklets I: My grandmother took me to Costco a few weeks ago, and while we were there I grabbed another 6er of the blessed Champion women's socklets. Grandma was convinced that I was buying them for a girl though, even after I explained my strategy. A couple of days later I stopped by her pad to hang out and jump in the pool, and as I was taking my shoes off, she almost shit, then became a believer, cuz I was rocking a pair of the Champion pink toe colorway women's socklets.

Face.

Socklets II, or Available in a Store Near You (Black Gold Toe): Not counting the newfound women's-socklets-are-the-best-cuz-they-are-smaller strategy, the gold toe socklets have always been amongst the best quality and most dependable. What I want to talk about now is the all-black socklet. It's a bad motherfucker. I scored a 6er of those in the gold toe brand, and have been loving them. They are super-smooth for black shoes (with shorts), and especially for playing ball in my black Nikes. Oh gyeah.

Cuz nothing sucks worse than having the whites of your socklets peeking out from your shoes. And having to stuff them back down, but that is just a short-term solution cuz either A) they will rise again or B) they will slip down your shoe. Argh. The black socklets don’t contrast or show as much when they peek out of black shoes. Which is chill.

I've got an idea for a new holiday. But you will have to stay with me here. So they have Mother's Day, Father's Day, Veteran's Day, Memorial Day, and all these other days? *rhetorical* How about Girlfriend's Day? Don’t confuse this with Valentine's Day. On Valentine's Day you go out and celebrate (with) your partner. What I'm thinking of is something totally different. On Girlfriend's Day (it's a working title), you go out and buy presents for your friends' girlfriends. It is a way to say, "Thanks for having sex with my homie." It makes sense though, you know. I am incredibly happy when I get to have sex. But I am also totally happy for my friends when they get to have sex. There are already official occasions to say thanks to my own partner, but not to say thanks to my friends' partners, who bring so much joy to their lives, which in turn makes them that much more enjoyable for me to hang out with since they don’t have to be preoccupied with getting laid. Or something

I think that breaking a glass and then cleaning it up definitely qualifies as something that deserves a cigarette (upon completion), thereby making it something to add to the list of things that qualify as part of a double, triple, etc.

RR said that ____'s girlfriend and he didn’t get along all that well. I asked why. He said, "Well, she always feels like she needs to be right."

After Kevin and I staged a mini-intervention, RR acknowledged that he has been working hard on putting the toilet seat up when he pees. He says that he is aware that it is not a cool thing to do (pissing all over the seat), and he is taking steps to remedy the situation. At this point folks, it is all out on the table. Now what he needs more than anything is our support.

Background music soundtrack from Ken's house, courtesy of the Arena Rock Digital Cable Channel: Motley Crue, Poison, Warrant, Winger, AC DC, Ratt, Scorpions (check), LA Guns, Alice Cooper, Tesla, and whoever sings "Bringing Home a Heartache." I thought of Bri G like 50 times. If he were there, we could have had a whole lot of drinks and really made a night out of it (the Arena Rock channel).

by Justin
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