Is it true that in this day and age there are some people that are dumb enough that they don't wear their seatbelts? Personally, I have been all about seatbelts since day one. But I keep seeing these "Click it or ticket" ad campaigns, and I find myself wondering who the fuck is that stupid. I feel like we shouldn’t even bother with these ad campaigns. Can't we just let it be like a Darwinian type of thing where if you are so retarded that you don’t wear your seatbelt then your living on this earth only lowers the average intelligence and we should just let you go...

My unflagging support of seatbelts is in no way directly related to the fact that they make for the best separation on earth. That is strictly a bonus. Although if I had thingies I could see how parallel parking or trying to turn around to look behind you--with your seatbelt on--could be cumbersome. Especially if you had big old monster thingies.

Is there an official rule about whether or not you should use the name of people that you don’t know if you only know their name because they have to wear a name tag? I always feel like a douchebag about the idea of calling a janitor at my school by their name when I've never actually met them and I only know their name because it says so on their shirt. I mean, I am a sensitive guy, and I don’t want to disrespect anyone--at least not by accident. But I feel like if I call them by their name, I will sound like a pompous jerk--it feels like a watered down version of how I would imagine it would feel if you were the asshole that got your shoes shined at one of those street corners. Who the fuck does that? Could you imagine a more uncomfortable feeling? Of course if I actually know the person with the name tag/have met them, then this is not the type of situation about which I speak. Plus, what if their shirt was dirty and they were borrowing someone else's shirt? How big of a cumsicle would you feel like if you called them by that name and it wasn’t even correct? OK, that fear might be a bit irrational.

Do you wash your coffee pot? I think I have a guilty admission. I almost never wash my coffee pot or my gold coffee filter. I rinse them out with hot water every morning, but in terms of sponge and soap, it would be generous to say that I wash them once a month. It just seems life a superfluous chore. Do you wash those things regularly? How regularly? Technically speaking, if I washed them once a month, that would still qualify for regularly. You have to love the technicalities--unless, of course, they are being used against you.

You know what sucks balls? I fucking hate how whenever you open your Netflix DVDs, they are backwards. You have to take them all-the-way out to see what movies they are. When I put them back in, however, you know I put them in the right way. Of course I could probably like flip the Netflix envelope upside down to avert said frustrations, but I feel like that would be akin to selling out--letting the bastards win.

Sometimes I just charge ahead like you're with me, following what I am saying, but deep down, I suspect that I am all on my own.

Tasteless Advertising: I was watching "Deadliest Catch" whilst folding laundry; it is a reality show about crazy retarded Alaskan King Crab fisherman, and how they like die and stuff whilst fishing for crab. They just finished showing a capsized boat in which 3 of the 4 boat members (shipmates?) died. They go straight to commercial after this dramatic and traumatic event, and first up was none other than Joe's Crab Shack, expounding on its Alaskan Crab Legs. I'm sure it seemed like a good idea to advertise crab on a crab-fishing show, but talk about your all time backfires.

On a particularly hot day, when I am driving in the car and having a long conversation on my cell phone, I get elbow pit sweat from the crooking of my arm to hold the phone up. Does that ever happen to anyone else?

One of my least favorite looks is the sunglasses-sitting-on-top-of-the-head. I just fucking hate that look. You look like a douchebag to me. Did you know that? It's of course even less attractive on guys than girls, but it's a no win situation. I guess this is the point where I should give the disclaimer that I think that the sunglasses hanging down from the front of the neck with the sides holding them up actually looks kind of cool, although please don’t confuse that with those sunglass bands that people use, from which their sunglasses dangle. Conversely, I think the sunglasses on the back of the neck is lamest of all. Sometimes it is the subtle differences that end up the most pronounced.

I was having a conversation with Alex and she asked me if I had to choose between giving up burgers or steaks for the rest of my life, which would it be. I told her that the answer was too easy for me. I would give up steak in a second. I also told her that any "friend" that was really a friend of mine would have the same answer. Later, reflecting, I wondered if I was being a bit too cocky with my answer, so I called Bert and asked him. Nothing, and I mean nothing, beats the feeling of validation. Burger validation.

I don’t know if there is anything worse than a roomful of teachers: also known as a room full of people who like to hear themselves talk. Yeah, let's all share our feelings. The most deceiving part of a room full of teachers is that they all know the pedagogical buzzwords; the end result is that you sit there and listen to them all (and listen to them all) and they all sound like amazing teachers who have great lessons and know exactly what they are doing. The weird part about it is when you know that it isn’t true.

The worst thing about teacher meetings (so I guess I take back the last paragraph) is how they so bittersweetly remind me that I love working with kids so much more than working with adults. It's like ironic and stuff.

From now on, when someone calls me a bad name, I want my retort to be: "See you at the meeting." You know, because they're like whatever they said I am. And we all meet to kvetch. Hey, at least I'm not pretending that I'm not whatever vulgarity I was just labeled.

Maybe life is just one big "follow-the-bouncing-ball." I think that makes me feel better. I should probably elaborate on this idea, but I'm just not feeling inclined.

I think that the most underrated job out there has got to be postman. I'm not speaking in general terms of working for the postal service mind you, but actually being a postman. Especially if you were a postman in LA. You could wear shorts, you could listen to music, and your job is basically to just walk around and stuff. Where is the flaw in that? If you were skilled enough to be able to read whilst accomplishing the aforementioned duties, you would actually have the ideal job. You'd be like a modern day Jesus delivering the news. This, of course, naturally leads me to another t-shirt idea: "jesus is my postman." I will put it in second place in my queue of t-shirt ideas that involve Jesus that I would like to make right behind "jesus is my cheese." But ahead of the more sense-making but less cool-sounding "cheese is my jesus."

If Bounty paper towels are known as "The quicker picker-upper" then Immodium AD should be called "The quicker plugger-upper." Thank you.

When you've been drinking at home and you are about to go out and you have to face the eternal dilemma of San Francisco that is "do I need to bring a jacket?" you can approach it one of two ways. You can ask, "Is it too cold for me to go out like this?" or you can ask, "Am I drunk enough that it doesn’t matter?"

When there is a pile of freshly baked cookies, I usually pick the cookies up and check out both sides so as to allow myself to select the cookies that have the most chocolate chips. The one exception to this is when JC makes cookies, because she hooks them up with so much chocolate that every cookie is a winner.

Caught a few episodes of The Wonder Years, which totally brought me back to that middle school/high school age. I totally remembered watching that show and wondering how many Becky Slaters I'd have to go through before I found my Winnie Cooper. Merits mentioning that I totally forgot and/or suppressed how "family values" oriented it was.

I'm feeling that guy uninspired, so I am going to go turn on the TV and see if I can find us one. Be right back.

OK, first that guy I found. His biggest claim to fame is that he provided the growls for the TV show version of The Incredible Hulk (from the '70s). He also was in a movie with this '70's chick.

Lords of Dogtown
The Manchurian Candidate
Nutty Professor 2
Austin Powers II
Los Gringos (he played "The Gringo," which so far as I can tell, must be the lead role. What I can't figure out is the casting of Mr. Miyagi as "Samurai." Apparently a very multicultural flick)
Austin Powers I
The Cable Guy (this is where I found him on TBS just now--credited as "Arresting Officer." He was in the film for about 3.5 seconds)
Original Gangstas (Jim Brown, Pam Grier (my lady), Richard Roundtree, and Bushwick Bill=all star cast)
Jury Duty
Philadelphia
Loaded Weapon 1
The Silence of the Lambs
The Grifters
Maniac Cop 2 (I might have to Netflix this, it's on every other that guy's list)
Ernest Goes to Jail
Married to the Mob
Rambo
The Blues Brothers
Supervixens

Just the best of his myriad TV show credits: Monk, The Batman, The Simpsons, Son of the Beach, Superman, Walker, Texas Ranger, Party of Five, Johnny Quest, The Critic, Murder She Wrote (I heard he cornholed Angela Lansberry on the set), Coach, LA Law, The Incredible Hulk, Street Hawk, The A-Team, Night Court, The Dukes of Hazard, CHiPs, Simon and Simon, Dallas, Knight Rider, BJ and the Bear, Starsky and Hutch, Baa Baa Black Sheep (look Ken, I remember), Baretta, and Kojak.

by Justin
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