I fear a lot of things, but West Nile Virus isn’t one of them. Try your fear-breeding propaganda marketing tactics on someone else.

And I wasn’t even drunk: discussing some of the trends toward dumbed-down and highly accessible rock and roll music these days, I called it Microwave Rock. Well, to be honest with you, I might have been a little bit buzzed. And yes, the new Modest Mouse is absolutely an example of Microwave Rock.

There are 2 kinds of people: sushi roll people and raw fish (with or without rice) people. Me, personally, I am a raw fisher.

My thoughts on PDA depend on how fat she is.

The intelligent are doomed to be tortured by the stupid. Something about a lot in life.

So girls dress for other girls as much or more than they do for guys. I think this is weird. If they are dressing for themselves, then I say more power to you, but if you are a heterosexual woman dressing for someone other than yourself, shouldn’t it be for the type of person you wish to attract? In this way dressing is like essay writing; you must know your audience.

Amber said: "If you are really on a roll, there is no point denying the world your genius." I wonder if poo references fall under this category.

*Enabler*

Still looking for the reason why one is ungrateful or an ingrate. I mean, why isn’t in ungrate? Jenn says she knows but the little cumsicle won't tell me.

Mmmmm, grated cheese. And if it was graded cheese, I would give it an A.

There seems to be a lot of controversy going around these days about the relationship between S and '. I just want to make this real clear. If the word, in its singular form, ends in an S and gains possession (oi, how football), it is s'. If it is a word that is normally singular and ends with an S but becomes plural and gains possession, it is s's. Trust me, my name is Justin Ross. I feel an e.g. coming on: "At the Ross's family picnic, we got real nasty on meat and cheese." Culver City style.

Speaking of clearing up controversy surrounding grammar, e.g.=for example. And FTR a comma follows the last period (e.g.,). And i.e.=that is. Are we clear (,Rafi)?

I was talking about our impending dude-only getaway to Reno, and Megan said: "The more boys the merrier" which I thought was funny. Get it? PS She said she totally got the whole "table on its last leg" thing when she said it.

I've come up with the perfect name for a vegetarian foie gras: faux gras. I rule.

I was out for dinner with Jenn, and I was soooooooooooooo hungry, and the service was lagging, so I grabbed our server and asked, "Is this a bread and butter establishment?"

After leaving myself the voice memo for "bread and butter establishment," Jenn pointed out that I have a habit of saying "thank you" at the end of my voice memos. What can I say? I'm really polite. Good times.

After dinner, we went back to Club Sunset, and we were listening to music, and you know The Toups is an over-organized motherfucker, so all of his CDs are arranged in alphabetical order. The album that was winding down was Chik Chik Chik, and could you ever guess what came next? The Chipmunks (yes, Alvin, Simon, and Theodore du...du... du, du, du-duut). Good times. Or something.

Same night: I walked into the kitchen to refill my drink and I heard The Toups, who was sitting at a table playing a drinking game, say "Did I just go from asshole to President?" Every 4 years folks.

OK, last Club Sunset reference of the column, I swear. The next morning (everyone too drunk the previous night to drive Mr. Justin home), they had a garage sale. Out in The Sunset, it is totally different than in The Mission. There are hella old people and stuff. Weird. So anyways, this one old lady was looking at this bag and she actually asked Jeff, "How heavy is this bag when it is full?" I shit you not. Did I mention that she was wearing blue pants, an American flag sweater, and had a jacket tied around her waist that had like 3 US flags on it? I shit you not.

Q: Phil Jackson: Smug genius or lucky fucker?

Dudes just don’t say shit like that: The other night at a bar, Amber and I overheard two girls talking, and one of them--the extra-wasted one--actually said, "I know you so much better than you know yourself." And they wonder why chicks get a bad rap. She later went on to say something to the effect of "I love validating people." We gave her co-conversationalist a commiserative glance.

A: Lucky fucker. Whose time is up. Have you ever seen a less prepared playoff team for EVERY FUCKING SERIES? Shalom Phil. Don’t let the door hit you where the good lord split you. I could have coached those Laker teams to at least 2 of the 3 championships. My grandma could have gotten them at least one...For fuck's sake, even Del Harris probably would have been able to win one eventually with the 2 best players in the league on his team. Well, maybe he could have.

And Chick would agree. And I sure wish we could win one for him too. My favorite Chick moment, not counting the 1000s of times he put it in the fridge or described Magic yo-yoing up and down or Big Game James filling the lane or any of those types of things: he was describing a little white boy Laker named Mike Penberthy, who had a pretty nice stroke but couldn’t do anything else. Well, Chick, in making fun of his defense, said "Marge (his 80+ year old wife) could take him off the dribble. And she doesn’t even have a left hand."

That means that she can't dribble with her left, not that she doesn’t literally have a left hand.

Why do behind the ears smell so bad if you don’t wash them? Dude, behind the ears=the armpits of the face. Yes, I'm drunk.

I was talking with Mike about the fall of my beloved Lakers and he said that it seemed like everyone in the league figured out the triangle offense. I said everyone but Gary Payton. And that was good times. Still drunk.

In the same conversation with Mike, we were talking about colonics. I've never had one, but I think it would be cool. They say that you lose 5 to 15 pounds of impacted poo that you have been carrying around in you for god knows how long. I said Think of how much lighter and quicker I would be. Mike was like, "Dude, you could probably dunk a sock." Which was sweet, especially since it is a cheapshot at the soon to be former Laker, Shaq O'Neal (who in an old commercial admitted that, in high school, at 6'9", he couldn't dunk until one day he was able to dunk a sock. Loser). Definitely still drunk.

If a colonic is a colonic, what is a high colonic? Does that mean that they just jam the tube deeper up your butt? How much do they jam the tube up your butt in the first place for a regular colonic? Sounds like a job for...Internet Research Man.

Who the fuck eats cold pastrami? That is just about the most fucked up thing I have ever heard of. *Goyum*

You know what I really like to do? I like to keep people abreast. That is good times. Abreast>>>>>>posted.

*boobies*

by Justin