Happy birthday America. You go girl.

When I was a little kid, I always thought that lesbians must have sex by both women opening up their legs like scissors and, with their heads on opposite ends, rubbing their vaginas against each other, fitting their legs through each other like a puzzle piece (so they would end up looking like a straight, but intersecting line, if that makes any sense). Does that make any sense?

When I was a kid I also worried that when men and women had sex, that women would get hurt if men accidentally sexed them up their pee hole, stretching it out and inflicting much pain. This was a legitimate concern for a very young Mr. Justin.

Young, virile, sensitive to a woman's needs...

Have you ever noticed the generational dissipation of how much of the chicken leg gets eaten? Our grandparents picked those motherfuckers dry. Our parents skipped the gristle and some of the fatty parts. We skip the skin in addition to all the fat and gristle (except for maybe those of us who are from the Central Valley). It's just interesting, that's all. It's like evolution, or something.

When Jenn eats cherries, she swallows the seeds. If eating nuts makes your poop look like it does, imagine what eating cherry seeds whole would look like...

Conundrum: So if you are bringing a friend to an event and you and your friend need to drive home from the event, who gets to drink? To make it clearer: if I bring a friend to an event, do I get to drink and the friend has to drive? Or since they are brave enough to come with me, and are my guest (although I too am a guest, but you know what I mean), should I hold driving responsibilities so that they can enjoy the evening unto an alcoholic level? They're my friends, so it makes sense that I deserve to drink with them. But if I am bringing someone who is less comfortable, don’t they deserve the crutch more? Please don’t blow past this. I think this is a serious question.

We all went to the beach and got hungry (of course) afterwards, so we found a very multicultural Venice Beach food court area, and Kevin went to the Indian stand and scored a plate (styrofoam) of spinach. When he finished it, there was a big pile of water at the bottom. I looked at it and said, "Dude. Pretty watery at the bottom there." He said, "Yeah. It's soggy." Oi, get it?

So the new Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie movie is like a chick flick or something. It looks awful to me, and I don’t know any dudes that have seen it (over/under on Ken seeing/it being one of his favorites doesn’t count), but most girls in which it has come up in conversation have either seen it or want to. Weird. There're like guns and stuff in it.

A few recent events, from a 4 day period, a few months ago, that I have (until now) repressed:

1. I was IMing with Bert and he totally sent me emoticons. I don’t care if it was in jest.
2. When I went home to Culver City, there was a can of AXE bodyspray in the bathroom. And it was not mine, ma's, or Bob's. Ahem.
3. I went to see RR (speak of the AXE devil) in the OC (bitch) and when I arrived, he was topless with the cyborg cell phone piece.
4. RR told me that he actually prefers tapered pants; he then proceeded to shop for and purchase tapered pants.
5. I got an email from my 13 year-old cousin that included a giant emoticon that was wearing sunglasses and holding a piece of pizza.
6. RR was contemplating buying some clam diggers "For the gym, dude" but I'd had all I could stand and I couldn’t stand no more.

Besides, RR makes his own clam diggers out of old pants. He likes to call them shants. And yes, he is the King of Shants (beats the hell out of being the King of Sharts).

There was this full Ben and Jerry's ice cream carton in the freezer. It was all chocolate swirls and chocolate covered almonds and shit. It was called "The Godfather." When RR rolled into Culver City, he dusted that motherfucker in 2 quick sessions. Which allowed me to say, "Damn dude, you fucking killed The Godfather."

Do you all know that game where you name an actor and a movie and your friend has to name another actor that appears in a different movie with the former actor, and then the next friend has to name another movie that the latter actor is in and then you have to keep going until you can connect it back to the original actor? That was a nice long sentence. But seriously, that is a good game. It can be as challenging as you make it. It ain't no "Lighter Game," but it is a good one. For road trips. Or something.

"I'll wipe you like a buggar on the side of my bed, girl."
--Mr. Justin

You know who I always feel sorry for? The novice baker in Denver. That shit must suck. You're like not even that good of a baker in the first place, and then you have to deal with all the altitude recalibrations. But as I pontificated on previously, if you get laid in Denver, you are automatically a member of the mile high club. Hmmm, moist chocolate brownies or the mile high club? I think I would rather limit my sex to sea level and have moist chocolate brownies.

Thinking about it...I would definitely rather have moist chocolate brownies and limit my sex to sea level.

Don’t forget the milk.

Don’t forget the coffee.

I like saying that.

You know what else I don’t really get (read: I think is fucking stupid)? Scones. What's the allure? Dry, crusty pieces of crap. Give me a muffin (preferably with cream cheese inserted in a cross-hatch opening at the top), a bagel, a fucking croissant, whatever. But a scone? And don’t say, "But they go well with coffee." The fact of the matter is that they are dependent on coffee cuz you would choke to death if you didn’t have a beverage to wash a scone down.

Nick's so dope
He knows his shit
Flossing like a motherfucking bodykit
On the Nissan 200SX hatchback
He looks like a Chinese Puerto Rican smoking crack
--Dapper, circa the 90s

You know what I just can't get on board with? Hazelnut-flavored coffee. To me, that stuff is just the pits. I like a good crack coffee/crack-flavored coffee as much as the next guy; perhaps more even. But hazelnut flavored coffee is like unclean or something.

Red Dawn: I used to watch this movie all the time. I would have fantasies that I was one of them and the Russians invaded. I would hotwire a car and steal some guns and grab the hottest chick from my elementary school (mmm, Vita DiPolito) and go off to the forest to be a vigilante Wolverine, hunt for food, kill bad guys, and procreate (gotta keep the American race going folks. Plus Vita was very mature for her age).

Ma told me that Hassidic Jews, who have prearranged marriages and often don’t even meet their partner til the ceremony, take a break in the middle of the ceremony to have their first fuck. As Chubbs would say, "Just easin' the tension baby. Just easin' the tension. Plus I hear that they do it through a hole in a sheet.

Masculinity versus Femininity: So here is the thing I been thinking about. If you are a woman, and you are not feminine, you are just not feminine, and it is fine (societal viewpoint-wise). If you are a man, however, and you are not masculine, then you are automatically feminine, and society is considerably more judgmental. That doesn’t seem fair at all. Although I am ALL MAN baby, so I am only saying this to defend mankind...noble son of a bitch that I am.

Sorry ma.

Do you ever think about the vas deferens? I do. Lotsa stuff.

Bert told me that the other night that he had a dream that he was doing it with this chick that had all-over body tats and all these weird stud things sticking out of her skin like a Ripley's Believe it or Not TV show character. But she was hot and scary. At one point in the dream she cut him with one of her studs, and when she saw the blood, the bitch went crazy. Sexually crazy, that is.

Here is another monster that guy for your reading pleasure. This that guy has appeared in over 140 films, which is fucking amazing. Some of his most noteworthy flicks include:

Random Hearts (Lovey's brother worked on this film)
The Iron Giant
Wild Wild West (ouch)
Albino Alligator
My Best Friend's Wedding (hello, chick flick)
A Time to Kill (Samuel L. bitch)
Camp Nowhere (I was a day camp counselor the summer that this came out, and my kids were pumped for it. The tagline was like: No Adults)
Cops and Robbersons
Narrow Margin (with the bigga figga, past that guy JT Walsh)
Red Scorpion (Drago alert!)
Harry and the Hendersons
Raising Arizona (although I did always think that it was a little overrated)
Back to School (sweeeeeeeeeet)
Wildcats (Manolo from Gotcha! was in it)
Fletch (6'6" with the afro)
Missing in Action (they just don’t make movies like this anymore)
Blood Simple (crazy fucking movie)
Blade Runner (Dick's original book title is amazing though: Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?)
Cannery Row (never seen the movie, but he does play Mack so it merits mentioning)
The Jerk (ask me about my "Jerk" walk; I do a mean impersonation)
The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh (Dr. J, Meadowlark Lemon, and Kareem? Shiiiiit)
Slapshot (old time hockey)
Serpico
Midnight Cowboy

by Justin
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