Folks, it has been about 7 months since I last posted a column. Do you have any idea how many moronic things I have heard/witnessed/thought/done/judged in that time? To quote from a movie: "We had good times, and we had bad times...but we had times..." With that being said...more times...If you enjoy the column, by all means please forward it on to someone who you care about or who has nothing better to do for 5 minutes in their office/cubicle. And GO AMERICA.

I admit I am no big fan of soccer...too much running and not enough scoring (seems like an American Attention Span Deficiency thing (oi, AASD. Pronounced aaaassed like assed out), but once every four years you have to be soulless to not jump on the bandwagon and watch what everyone else in the world is watching. Mmmm, global community.

Having said that, and having just finished watching The World Cup, I have to ask: How many black guys are there in France? Cuz over half their team is black. Are they bringing in ringers?

In my head there is a difference between pretty music and wussy music, but I don't know exactly how to explain it...do you know what I mean? Like, Iron and Wine is pretty music and The Shins is wussy music.

If we cure all the diseases via stem cell research then there won't be any more "marathons" like for breast cancer and stuff and people will get fat. See, you really gotta look at both sides of an issue. Although there would be some serious irony in having an obesity walk where friends and family of really fat people went out and walked for them.

Have you ever lived somewhere where the trash guys didn’t come hella early in the morning? Me neither. I just don't understand. What do those guys do all afternoon?* How do they get to everybody's places in a 3 hour morning window (and I am guessing they only have 5 day work weeks)? I guess they are able to beat traffic at least.

*I imagine that they are like those cheesy paintings of a bunch of dogs playing poker and smoking cigars. When were those paintings ever cool?

My students were doing group work and there was a group of all girls at a table and I walked over to them and said, "It's not fair. Your group is destined for domination. You're not hindered by testosterone." One of them said, "Now we are."

I leave for work at like 6:45 AM and the one thing that always puzzles me: Why does only one side of the car get all wet from condensation and stuff? Have you ever noticed that? Most often, the windows on one side are all wet and the windows on the other side are all dry--it is always the facing-the-street side that is wet. Weird...

You know what I hate? Those people that say, "I haven't been sick in 30 years." Suck my balls. You're probably too fucking boring to do anything fun enough to get sick. You fucking pussy.

One of my friends said, "I know what it is. But what is it?" And she didn't even have the tone inflection that would merit italics (e.g., "I know what it is. But what is it" or "...But what is it). Know what I mean?

I was talking with some friends about the first thing that I would create if I were some mythological god starting with a blank slate. I said, "The Double Double." One of them said, "But who'd cook it?" I said, "Immaculate conception."

I've found a lot of things in my jacket pockets before--cigarettes, change, paper money, jewelry, beanies, etc--but the other day I actually found a cookie in my jacket pocket. Even though I hadn't worn the jacket in weeks, you know I ate that cookie, right? Right.

If you could be listless, does that mean you could be list?

*listy*

I was talking with Chris and he was going to a party that was having a spinach dip contest. He said he was just going to go to the store and buy a pre-made thing of spinach dip and bring it and just set it down at the party. I told him that he should at least put it in a different serving bowl--that would allow him a chance to win. He was like, or maybe I will just make some and make it with bacon. Then I had this epiphany that I told him: You should just go buy a big tub of it at Costco and cook up some bacon and put it in there--then you would have still technically made it, and you would totally win.

Mmmmm, spinach dip with bacon.

11:45 PM on Friday night, drunk and holed up in the bathroom at the Latin America Club smoking a cigarette, and I just *texted my mama.
*Note that the VM I left myself did not specify what I texted her, which means that I have no idea what I texted her.

Watching When Harry Met Sally for the 20th time on TV when I should have been asleep the other night and realized the irony that Harry originally told Sally that she couldn't have had amazing sex with "Sheldon" based simply on his name, but Harry's now ex-wife cheated on him and left him for a guy named "Ira." A cha!

*wonderschlong*

Do you think Holden is hot? I have always wondered. Seems more like he would be really tall and skinny...but that doesn't mean he wouldn’t be attractive.

I still know him better: We were all sitting down to the dinner that RR cooked for us--seafood pasta in creamy red sauce. I told him I was surprised that he didn’t have the parmesan out, and his lady said something like, "Ew, parmesan doesn’t go on seafood." Just as I was about to say that I clearly still knew RR better than she did, he said, "I already put a bunch in the sauce." Good times.

Why do staplers have that option to make staples spread outward instead of the standard, folding-inward staple? Who would want that? Do you know what I mean?

I don't want to live in one of those towns where they have "burn days," but I really want to go visit a place and see one of those burn days. You know, when the people dump all their raked up leaves and yard waste in a pile and light it on fire and burn them...

You know how people got to Radio Shack and get those adapters to hook their new DVD player into their old TV? What is the point of that? You are only going to have RF connection quality anyway; you might as well just stick with the VCR--it is the same exact quality. FTR, the level of quality--lines of resolution--goes up about 100 per level, in ascending order: RF (old needle VCR style), RCA (audio left, right and video plugs red/white/yellow), S-VIDEO, and Composite (Y/PB/R).

My new favorite put down: You are about as useless as the bottom of a bag of Trader Joe's tortilla chips.

(Maybe it doesn’t need the proper noun, but TJ's chips are especially "crumby" at the bottom)

My subconscious is none of my business.

You know what sucks? Sinks that have 2 faucets: one for hot and one for cold. I can't believe that those things still exist in the 21st Century. One faucet is freezing cold and the other faucet is scalding hot. And you can start with cold in your hands and shuttle them to the hot, but you feel like such a freaking dork--the other way will burn you bad. And though that (the former) is your only option, I would hardly classify it as effective. And if you are trying to look cool or casual whilst washing your hands...forget about it.

9 out of 10 times those faucets are the ones that are so close to the fucking side of the sink that you can't barely get your hands under the water, which is only not that big of a deal cuz if you could get your hands under the water they would either be freezing or burning.

Mikey has this habit of getting wasted and fixating on a certain thing, idea, or phrase. On my birthday he got wasted and decided to be obsessed with the idea of Mandy Potenkin (Inigo Montoya). He kept saying the name over and over. My favorite part was when we went to a bar and he tried to order a "Mandy Potenkin" and the bartender just turned around and walked away. Sweet.

I was not sure if I should continue the "that guy of the week" and am still not sure if I should, but considering that on Thursday night at Sage's birthday celebration at Hide Sushi, this that guy breezed into a packed house adorned in a Hawaiian shirt--which seems to be the official uniform of the off hours that guy--pimped a seat at the bar, and got real nasty (or was that us?), I take it as a sign from _____ that I should at least give you this one...(don't forget, Hide Sushi also gave us the Martin Fucking Feinberg sighting, a realtor with that guy status due to his overpoweringly effective marketing strategies).

This that guy has credits for 170 films, although many are way before my time and I can't say I've seen too many of them. He loves to make the indie flicks, and is rumored to be known to offer his services for any indie script that he likes for the price of a plane ticket to the shooting...His dossier includes:
The Wes Anderson Trifecta of Rushmore, The Royal Tannenbaums, and The Life Aquatic with Steve Zisou
Johnny Be Good
Colors
Dick Tracy
Mobsters (I heart you, Richard Grieco)
Honeymoon in Vegas (I hate you, Nick Cage)
Indecent Proposal
Boiling Point (He's a cop who reached the Boiling Point)
Dead Presidents (the best of the films on his list)
Trees Lounge

I am pretty sure that his favorite sushi is the hamachi, but that is really just a guess based on my favorite sushi.

Since it's been such a long while since I last posted a column, I saved this for the end but just need to say a few things about my most indulgent obsessions (no hard feelings if you wanna skip it).

The Lakers: What a season. Not really though. Just because Kwame had like 15 games where he usually caught the ball hardly means that he has become a baller. Lamar picked it up quite a bit after the all star break, plus he is just so damn cute. Kobe is Kobe (so why should it be that you and I should get along so awfully bung bung bung). We were a game 6 rebound away from a realistic shot at beating the Clippers and the Mavericks and a Finals showdown with the Heat. And since I've gone this far, I might as well say congratulations to the Big Buffet for riding the coattails of another player who has a lot more heart than he does to another NBA championship. BTW, watching the Finals, I have to say if my choices were to have my team win a championship but have to root for CyberTwan Walker and have my team lose in the first round but not have to deal with CyberTwan and his wigglin', jigglin', ass, I would have a lot of thinking to do. Ew.

One minor jab I have to get in on Kobe: At the end of the season the announcers said that Kobe hadn’t fouled out of a game in the last 3 years, and all I could think was, "Funny correlation. I don’t think Kobe has played defense in the last 3 years." That being said, damn that dude can ball.

The OC: Wow, what a season. Looking back, I don't know if I fully enjoyed a single episode of season 2. Season 3 was the same way for months: every time I finished watching a new episode, I was like, "Man, you have to stop watching this crap." But then the last 5 or 6 episodes finally caught fire for the first time since season 1. It was good again. And to top it all off, Marissa died in the finale. I hope. I am afraid to say that just to salt my balls she will live…

One Tree Hill: This show definitely limped to the finish line this season after usurping The OC for the better part of the last 2 years as my favorite show. They did add an incredibly attractive new girl (and explained that she used to be fat and ugly but got heaps of cosmetic surgery), do some serious ripping off of the 90s classic film Flatliners, and had a season finale in which as many as 4 (or as few as one) of the main female characters could be pregnant. Duh dun. They were supposed to be seniors, but the whole issue wasn’t even addressed all year. Maybe they didn’t think the show would get renewed?
That reminds me: I watched season 1 of The OC on DVD (thanks to Hannah B Leage), and in the first few episodes there are blatant mentions of Ryan being 17 years old (before the school year even started) which in hindsight made him a 17 year old sophomore, and a 19-20 year old senior. Just thought I should point that out.

The question still remains, and may unfortunately never be answered: Who would win in a fight between Brooke and Summer. If I were to have to pick one to marry, it would be Summer. To have a one night stand, it might be Brooke (my European scouts project her as being better in bed), but these all pale in comparison to the ultimate question (who would win in a fight). Based on the sex answer, I guess I have to go with Brooke. But as Rudy T says via syndicated soundbites 1000 times every June/July, "Never underestimate the heart of a champion." Of course I am probably the only over 18 year old male that watches both shows, so I guess whatever I say goes on this one...Oh yeah, and Chris watches both too.

PS If you think there is a funnier show on TV than The Office, you are stupid. Really fucking stupid.

PPS This is a special gift from Mikey to me, and from me to you. Hints of old Great White songs in the instrumentation...And something else for Dirt Nowitski to lip sync during free throws... Enjoy.

by Justin
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