For long road trips I wish I had signs like, "Hey fatty, get off your cell phone" and "You drive like a little bitch" and stuff in order to help my fellow drivers via constructive criticism. I guess I could technically easily use those for any type of driving. It would also be cool if I had one for when I saw hot chicks that said, "Meet at Kettleman City Cheesepockets?"

As much as I love cruise control, it was quite disconcerting to realize that you can't set it past 90. Weaksauce.

I don’t really get "topping off" your gas when you fill up your tank. You just put like 12-16 gallons of gas into your car; what the fuck is that extra little squirt gonna do? Allow you to drive an extra block on top of the 250 miles worth of gas you have? All you are going to do is make a mess, you jackass.

While I am airing out all of my long drive (for someone with nothing to think about) reflections, I must also say that I was quite shocked at how shocked RR was when I told him that I like to beat off on long, solo car rides. It gives you something to look forward to (so long as you don’t peak too soon), and helps to break up the monotony. I also am not afraid to pee in a bottle in the car. The moral of the story: All sorts of stuff comes out of my wiener in the car. Thank you.

I don’t know if there is anything more disappointing than that first shower back in no-water-pressure San Francisco after having been in high-water-pressure LA for a length of time. Anticlimactic. I also really like how the shower at ma's house has a detachable head. I am a bit anal about making sure all the soap is off me before I get out of the shower, and the detachable head allows me to do a thoroughly thorough rinse off. Plus it lets me give myself pseudo-rim jobs.

Why am I having a weird deja vu moment where I feel like I've written pseudo-rim jobs before? Hmmm...

At the dentist's office again, always a great time for reflection. I was wondering, could the hygienist date a patient? And even if she could, would they want to date someone whose mouth they have seen so...intimately? Would the patient have to have a really good, clean, healthy mouth for the hygienist to be attracted to them? Would the hygienist who is attracted to "bad boys" in their personal life gravitate more toward someone who has a bad mouth scene, or that thinks that flossing is stupid, or something? Think about it.
PS Sometimes I can feel a hygienist's boobs against the top of my head when she is really working on me...which is cool.

I was pontificating on something with Amber via email and I wrote that she would usurp me like a Big Gulp in 110 degree weather. I thought that was a good one.

I've seen Rosario Dawson in quite a few films. But she didn't become my lady until Clerks 2. She essentially redefines hot. Good lord, she is so pretty it hurts a bit. And if you are nervous about seeing the movie, as I was, then know that it doesn’t suck. There are some utterly hilarious parts, the plot is awful, and the dialogue is sharp and witty. It was obviously no Clerks, but it was no Jersey Girl either.

Grandma took RR and me to Cheesecake Factory a couple of weeks ago, and on the way out, we were getting to go cheesecake slices. I don't know when the last time that you went to Cheesecake Factory was, but they are up to about 140 different kinds of cheesecakes there now. I ended up getting Oreo Chocolate Eruption Cheesecake or something like that, and RR got something similarly titled. It was hard to pick just one, what with so many exotic chocolaty flavors. I commented that the "original style cheesecake" looked hella sad in its display next to all the sexy hybrid cheesecakes. Grandma agreed, but said, "You know, sometimes that plain one is better than all the other (fill in appropriate Yiddish word here) cheesecakes." I thought about it for a second, but then got sidetracked when I found out that the slices cost 7 FUCKING DOLLARS EACH. Shit fool, that's a lot. I got home, excited to chocolate erupt, and found myself quite disappointed. The cheesecake I got was delicious, and if it were just sold as chocolate cake of some ilk, I would have loved it. But I thought that I was getting cheesecake and didn’t even taste at all like cheesecake. The moral of the story is that sometimes you can't beat the classics. Also, I think my grandma kind of faced me.

You may know by now that I am a big believer in washing my hands. And I always prefer to use antibacterial soap (I try to make sure that I buy antibacterial dish soap too, but sometimes they don’t have it in the apple scent, and that brings up quite the conundrum), especially coming out of public transportation. Let's just say that I disagree with people who are anti-anti-bacterial. I mean, listen to yourselves...

Ma told me that she loved the last column but I think it is pretty transparent that she liked it so much because there were so many references to/stories about her in it.

In a particularly bizarre and candid moment, RR freely admitted that he has a thing for smaller flapjack-style boobies. I never would have guessed...and I was basically rendered speechless.

You know what I hate? When you order 2 drinks that could be available in a pitcher (margaritas, sangrias, etc), and partway through the 2 drinks (you and a friend), you realize that you really fucked up and should have just ordered a pitcher (for the price dude). But now you've already had one drink, and do you still want to order a pitcher, thus committing to at least 2 more drinks (well I don’t see why not, but people are people). So you say fine, I wish that I'd ordered a pitcher in the first place, and really you are wishing that you could apply the first drinks as credit toward the pitcher, and that you could have your server/bartender bring you a half full pitcher and put one pitcher as the total on the bill--which I don’t think is going to happen--but you just go ahead and order one more round of drinks, thinking I/WE don’t need 2+ more drinks at this point. This, however, only confounds the problem, because after 2 drinks you are feeling pretty good, definitely ready for drink number 3, and incredibly disappointed at yourself for falling for the 2-drinks-instead-of-committing-to-the-pitcher mistake not once, but twice. Beating yourself up over it, you now decide that you aren’t making that mistake again. So you order the pitcher. The problem now is that you've already had 2 drinks; after the pitcher you'll have had 4+ drinks. Suddenly you're totally wasted and everybody looks attractive and you find yourself sliding down the cusp of future regrets. The moral of the story: Trust in the pitcher from the onset, and say no to drugs. Thank you.

*The one good part about multiple glasses versus the pitcher is that when you order margaritas, you get a fresh rimjob of salt with each drink, which is nice (or am I just trying to make myself (and you) feel better?

**Jews are underrated drinkers, you know.

**When I wrote that I meant it literally, as in Jews are alcoholics too. But reading over what I wrote and the context, it sounds more like Jews are "Jewy" (as in a verb usage) when it comes to drinking too.

Old friends are like favorite songs. You know what to expect, you know what they mean, you know how they work, you know when is the best time for them, and you can sometimes get away with not paying 100% attention, but because you know them so well, you still know exactly what they are saying/meaning.

That was a lot of "you statements." Lovey and Therapists everywhere are cringing.

My New Fantasy: Oral sex received under the table while I am eating sushi. And you know that I would have to select in advance my "finishing" piece of sushi, probably a big beautiful hunk of hamachi sashimi. Although a little uni could provide for quite the experience.

Why do little kids so often have to have long, shitty hair? Like shit bowl styles and stuff? Why don't their parents hook them up? Get some fucking hair clippers. Did these parents fall for the Flobee commercials and just decide they needed to get their money's worth? I ain't never letting The Second Justin go out like that.

Born into a Jewish family, this week's that guy was strongly encouraged to become a doctor or a lawyer (I was the lawyer, RR was the doctor of our generation as projected by grandma), but he always knew he wanted to act. He actually used a fake ID in 1967 so that he could see The Graduate. What a partyboy! In his would-be first big break, he was cast as a permanent doctor in St. Elsewhere, but was subsequently dumped for Howie Mandel,* which probably really hurt his feelings.** I think in acting school he was also voted "Most Likely To Be Cast As A Character Named Ira."

In Good Company--MORTY
Bait--AGENT (upset, upset)
State and Main--MARTY
The Hurricane--LAWYER (Hate put me in prison; love is gonna bust me out)
Mumford--DOCTOR (100% underrated flick with a young Jason Lee co-starring. Also merits mentioning that the lead actor was Joe*** from Say Anything)
Chill Factor--DOCTOR
Payback--ARTHUR (Quintessential "Give me back my wife" movie)
Mighty Joe Young--HARRY
Amistad--POLITICAL SECRETARY
City Hall--ABE
Nixon--RON
The American President--LEON
Get Shorty--LEO
City Slickers and City Slickers 2--IRA
Mr. Saturday Night--STAN
Heart and Souls--HAL
No Holds Barred--UNGER (?)
No Way Out--TECHNICIAN (I was just talking about how sweet this movie is the other day with Ken)
Howard the Duck--LARRY THE SCIENTIST
Irreconsilable Differences--ALAN
Airplane II--COURT PHOTOGRAPHER

In the movies that are politically based, the Ira factor is lower.

Top 5 TV shows he appeared in (in which he appeared):

Cop Rock
Murphy Brown
LA Law
Who's the Boss
St. Elsewhere
21 Jump Street
Cheers
Moonlighting
Family Ties
Different Strokes
The Jeffersons
Taxi

*What's the difference between Howie Mandel and Jeff Goldblum? Sounds like a bad joke...

**Don't feel too bad for him; I would wager that, present day, 90 out of 100 people would recognize him instantly, and it would be a much lower percentage that would recognize Howie Mandel.

***Joe lies...
When he cries...

by Justin
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