I should preface this by saying that you may or may not know that I am a really sensitive guy. It might not seem like it, but I am. So I watched The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants on HBO the other day; I must admit I'd always sort of wanted to see it. I love adolescent stuff: movies, TV, teaching. So why shouldn't I check out how the other half celebrates it. I won't say that the movie is for everybody by any means, but I gotta say, I thought it was totally sweet. The girls make their own set of rules for these magical jeans (including "Don't wash the jeans," which I thought was a cool rule, rivaling those of Fight Club) that actually fit all 4 of them perfectly despite the fact that they vary in height by like 4 inches and in weight by like 40 pounds. Of course they are besties, but they are all being separated for the summer. They mail the jeans to each other all over the world. The scenes when they are all together get kind of girly and annoying at times, but once they split up, the stories become totally sweet. One of the girls goes to some small seaside town in Greece that is so fucking beautiful it is hard to imagine that a place like that still exists (never mind how cheesy it is that she falls in love with the hunky fisherman whose family of course turns out to be rivals of her own Grecian family--what are you gonna do...). And the one on the high end of the 40 pound swing is having a really tough summer visiting her biological father who has created a new life for himself complete with wife and her kids, whom he is a better father to than he ever was to his own daughter, and she is hella emotional and it made me hella emotional and I am actually going to finish this paragraph by telling you that I cried several time during the final 30 minutes of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

I just had the sweetest dream. Mr. Miyagi was my friend-of-the-family-style-uncle that lived in Hawaii, and I went out to visit him. He lived in a fatty high rise condo and I went to stay with him for a long time. Shortly after I arrived, he took me up to the roof so that I could check out the view. While there, we witnessed a murder on a neighboring rooftop--someone pushing someone else off the roof. This gave us a project for my visit--figuring out who the murderer was. The next day I went around Hawaii and checked out surreal beaches, bays, and waves (I had this odd thought that since everyone was so beautiful there, I would really have to keep my strut on tight if I wanted to be able to keep up). I got into a cab to take me back to Mr. Miyagi's (did I mention that he was uber-cool and had gigantic fish tanks all over the condo?), and we stopped in front of this fenced in, ENORMOUS fucking lion. It was huge, like dinosaur huge. I was looking at it, staring at it, and it started tracking me and going crazy. I told the cabby to get the fuck out of there, because the lion started smashing into the fence, trying to get out, trying to get me. The cabby took awhile to depart, and the lion seemed more and more determined to break through the fence, like a Jew at Sizzler at sundown after Yom Kippur. As we were slowly driving away--with me looking back at the lion coming closer and closer to breaking free--it finally busted through the fence. I screamed for the driver to step on it, but he ignored me. The lion was hauling ass straight after us, and the cabby was doing like 30. Just as the lion was approaching striking distance, the cabby slowed to make a right turn (don't make me nuts today) and suddenly it was raining red water and then this colossal fucking hunk of meat fell from the sky into this massive manhole cover in the middle of the intersection and the lion veered off our course and chased it down the manhole.

Long on my list of things that I need to get around to telling you about is wikipedia.com. That website is the shit. Remember how cool google was when you first figured out that you could use a "search engine" to find all sorts of information and stuff on the internet (circa the mid 1990s)? Well wikipedia is like the next level of that. It isn't the gospel, since the articles are often user written, but they don't get full status until they have been verified by a certain number of readers, and you can see the validity of whatever it is you are reading, which gives the site further cred. Also, everything is linked up, so you can just spend hours exploring a random thread of barely connected ideas/topics. What kind of teacher would I be if I didn’t provide a brief model of which I speak? (a bad one)

First I went to wikipedia to look up the running time of Striptease, which I have on TIVO, but in 2 parts, divided for some reason perhaps due to a temporary loss in electrical power. I'd never seen it, but since it was on HBO and guaranteed lots of boobs, I figured, "Hey, it's still my summer vacation." Plus Showgirls was an excellent film...

The running time was 118 minutes but then it also said some stuff about Demi Moore's breasts. Cool. I read that (it stated that Striptease was the debut of her new boobs), then read about how the movie won a Razzie.

Hmm, "What's a Razzie?" I ask myself (read click).

That took me to the Razzie page where I learned that the Razzies are an award (The Golden Raspberry Awards--said title presumably derived from the gesture of giving somebody a raspberry--not the fruit) have been given out to the worst actors, movies, directors, and screenplays since 1980. Traditionally the Razzie winner is not present, in person, to accept their award.

Reading on about past Razzies winners, I found this snippet about Ben Affleck, who won himself a few Razzies:

"2004: Ben Affleck, after winning Worst Actor for his work in Gigli, Daredevil and Paycheck, asked why he did not get his trophy. He was presented the Razzie live on Larry King Live a week later, which he promptly broke. The broken Razzie sold on eBay for enough money to cover the hall rental for the next year's ceremonies.*"

Under criticism, it talked about 2004 when the Razzies jumped the shark. I was surprised to find that phrase used on wikipedia (though not really). The phrase "jumped the shark" was a link of course, and clicking it took me to the derivation of the metaphor. Always, always enjoy getting to the derivation. Especially when it is pop-culture-cool.

"Jumping the shark is a metaphor that has been used by US TV critics and fans to denote the tipping point at which a TV series is deemed to have passed its peak. Once a show has "jumped the shark," fans sense a noticeable decline in quality or feel the show has undergone too many changes to retain its original charm."

"The phrase specifically arises from a scene in the hit TV comedy series Happy Days in which one of the central characters, Arthur "The Fonz" Fonzarelli, on water skis, literally jumps over a shark. The scene was written into the show at a point when the viewing ratings were beginning to drop, and it is generally regarded as the creative low-point at which the show finally lost all credibility. A show may continue well after the point when fans feel it has "jumped the shark" but will likely decline in popularity."

*I used to think that Ben Affleck was cool, but every time I see him in something, he is a putz. And every time I hear him interviewed or read an article about him, he is a putz. To some extent, that's ok, cuz I'm a putz. But after a while I have to say, "Hey Ben Affleck. You are overdoing the putz thing." I think I have to officially rescind my "Ben Affleck is cool" stance. Which really complicates matters cuz now I will need to recast my third choice to play me in the movie. First is still Jason Lee, second is still Ed Norton, but now there is a gaping hole (heh) where Ben Affleck used to be (heh heh).

Post Script (for educational purposes): Of course the jumping the shark page also included a sampling of when certain shows were said to have jumped the shark, as well as various pop culture references in TV and film to the metaphor itself. And the Razzies page had links to the nominees and winners of the Razzies for the entire history of the award, dating back to 1980.

I was on the street with Amber and we saw a dumbass shirt that said: "MAN LAW: you poke it, you own it. good call." I told her that in the olden days they had very similar laws about the hymen.

I was at CompUSA (COMPUSA?) with my ma, and I thought it was hella funny that I let out this loud ass fart right in the middle of the store radio playing the Cranberries' song, "Do you Have to Let it Linger." Ma was less amused.

When Sage goes to places like Peet's or Starbuck's, and they ask him for his name, he tells them it is Marco. Then, when his half-decaf-double-pump-caramel-lowfat-milk-latte-with-a-twist is ready and they say, "Marco" he says "Polo." And he totally tries to say it like when you are a little kid at the pool and you cup your mouth with one hand (sideways) to try to throw your voice. Sweet.
PS Sage doesn’t actually order any sissy drinks like that.

We were at IKEA and Megara was shopping for an ottoman and when she rounded a corner and saw a bunch of different ottomans, she was all, "Ah, it's ottoman land." And I was all (hella excited), "IT'S THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE."

For this week's *that guy, I am going to bust a little Corey-Feldman-in-Goonies-at-the-bottom-of-the-wishing-well speech: "This was my dream, my wish. But it didn’t come true. So I'm taking it back. I'm taking them all back." This week's that guy flirted with superstardom in the last few years, but I don't think it has worked out for him. Despite winning an Oscar, he still kicks ass in the same roles he's always played; the only difference is that now you will know his name when you click on the link. And I have wanted to write about him since FOR EV ER (even after finding out that he studied ballet. But hey, so did Christopher Walken). So I'm taking him back...

Jarhead (it took me a while to realize that this was neither pro- nor anti-war, but actually meant to simply express the POV of the Marine--I think)
Capote
The Bourne Supremacy
Seabiscuit
Adaptation (here is where we got our hopes up)
The Bourne Identity
The Patriot (Mel Gibson has the range to play a Scottish patriot and an American patriot--I think that, as an actor, you get that kind of range when you are totally-fucking-nuts)
Me, Myself, and Irene
American Beauty ("You better watch yourself, Jane, or you're going to turn into a real bitch, just like your mother! ")
October Sky
A Time to Kill
Lone Star
Money Train (he was the sicko subway attendant torcher guy. Thank god for Wesley and Woodie)
Matewan (with Will Oldham from Palace!)

*This beautiful photo is courtesy of Benzo "Smoothie" Kaller, via benzo-matic photographic. Thanks Ben.

by Justin
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