Is there a linguistic term for people who click their lips when they are talking? You know, those people who click their lips in-between words and sentences? That shit is pretty annoying I think. Do the people that do this even know that they do this? Do you even know what I am talking about?

I was in a class with this annoying professor and she was trying to do a fun activity with "phrase puzzles" or something. There was this one puzzle that nobody was able to figure out, and she was all, "It's a four flusher. Doesn’t anybody know what a four flusher is?" So I said, "A really stinky poo." Good times. PS Liberties were allowed to be taken with audible out-loud comments in her class cuz she is like deaf and stuff. And talks in the third person.

Integrity is one of those things that you only owe to yourself. Bigtime.

With an honorable mention to your mama.

I condone and I condemn. All within the courthouse of my head. I'm a judgmental bastard, and I am not a hypocrite--I judge others and I judge myself. And don’t be thinking I go all easy on me. Don’t you ever feel like Oliver's infamous freakout scene from The OC? AKA feel like bashing yourself in the head while saying "so stupid" over and over again. Um.

So I talked about the imp of the perverse a while ago, which is a phrase taught by Bert, which basically means the urge to do something that would kill yourself and/or others (driving into oncoming traffic, jumping off the edge of the roof you are kicking it on, etc). Lately I have been thinking about some scaled down versions. So now I introduce the Gimp of the Perverse, a less destructive version of the Imp of the Perverse urges. The first that comes to mind is that desire to unroll the windows when you are going through the car wash (I know, I'm an animal).

When we were in LA, RR and I were out at lunch and we saw this dude who was eating at a table nearby pull out a flask. I was like, wow, that's cool. That dude rocks. Then he proceeded to open the flask and pour the contents of it onto his salad. Weaksauce. Hero to zero.

Do you ever notice how some people just have no conception of how to use the word "were?" It like doesn’t exist in their vocabulary, or something.

What the fuck is the deal with the whole Von Dutch craze? That shit is everywhere. Is it something I'm just not cool enough to know about? It looks pretty lame to me. And as if it weren’t lame enough, they also have all this Von Bitch shit and stuff. I just don’t get it. Not a restorer of my faith in humanity.

Guaranns giggles: A girl in a pearl necklace. That never gets old. I mean, girls can look totally pretty in pearl necklaces and stuff, but come on...a pearl necklace. What guy doesn’t think about the alternative meaning of a pearl necklace when he sees/talks about one?

One of the greatest things about literature is that no matter how fucked up your life is, you can always read a book and find the story of someone whose life is way more fucked up than yours. And thank god for that.

There is nothing worse than standing in the back of some long ass line and--through the course of waiting in said line--not having anyone get in line behind you. That shit is infuriating.

Brother and sister cats can fuck like rabbits and it's ok: Niko explained to me that when female cats have kittens, they are birthing the sons and daughters of multiple fathers. So sibling cats can have different fathers (talk about your competitive sperms). Hence it is relatively (haha) ok for brother and sister cats to fuck. Which is nice. Or something.

The Lion Cut: you can take your cat in to the grooming place and they will shave your cat's hair except for the face and upper neck, making it look like your kitty is a lion with a mane. Which is pretty LA. But cool. And when cats have this cut, you can see that they have the cutest little Officer Pauncharello on their underside...

Bert called me and I answered the phone and said, "Diga me," and he replied with "Cuantos anos tienes?" which I thought was pretty funny.

Brian was bragging about how awesome the hydroponic cucumber that he bought was. He said that it rules because it doesn’t have seeds. Jenn gave a quizzical look and said, "That's funny. I never thought of cucumber seeds as cumbersome."

I eat the outer crust of the brie when I eat brie. I ain't afraid at all. I know that some people don’t though. The problem is that people mine under the upper crust and then there is the overhang of crust only and I am down to eat the crust with the inners but I'm not trying to eat a mouthful of just crust. So that is weaksauce. Now that I have gotten that out of the way...

What do you call the extra remains of crust and stuff that are left on the brie plate? Debrie.

There are 2 kinds of people: those who heart Kevin Smith and those who are too dumb to heart Kevin Smith.

Bert was surfing the net while we were kicking it in his kitchen and stuff, and he was all, "Hey, they have a new Olympic CD out." So I was all (in Moviefone voice), "Featuring new music by Sting." So Bert clicked the link to the CD and sure enough, Sting was all up in that shit. Good times...

I vaguely recall hearing a story about how The Toups likes to get drunk and call this one delivery girl and throw drags on her. I don’t even care if it is true or if I made it up; I think that's pretty quality game.

Found in my pocket after a night of drinking (in barely legible writing--and no recollection of having written it, though that is not especially noteworthy. When that happens I usually try to work backward from the note to something sensical I can make out of it): ff"Have you ever looked in a mirror drunk and thought: am I the man? and wondered if it was true?"

Trivia Question: Can you name the friendly dragon (with the cool-looking-circa-mid-80s scaly skin) that flew Atrayu around and stuff in The Neverending Story?

Not that you care, but I think I am gaining better control of my inner self-sabotager.

Well it is a big deal for me.

God I hope it isn’t a false alarm.

Trivia Answer: Falcor.

What is grosser than a bathroom key? Not too much. Why do places have to do this. It is like on a chain and stuff. You are waiting in line for the bathroom, you are next, and some fucking dude comes out with a nasty smile on his face (I know that smile) and extends to hand you the bathroom key and you sort of flinch and don’t wanna touch it at all. But you have to. So you take it and go into the bathroom and put it down as soon as you get there. But then you wanna wash your hands immediately; as in before you even get started on your own bathroom process. And when you are done with the bathroom business and have washed your hands, there is that evil key on a plastic or wooden hunk of keychain staring at you and the last thing on earth you wanna do is touch that shit again. Me, I tear off a little piece of paper towel (from the piece that I will be using to open the doorknob) and pick up the key by that piece, cuz I don’t wanna come out of the bathroom looking nuts, but I don’t wanna come out of the bathroom with a hundred people's nasty germ business all over my paws. Then I get rid of that key as fast as I can.

Pootie Tang: if you haven’t seen this movie, motherfucker you is in for a treat. Bert and I watched it last weekend, and it was fucking amazing. In case you are unfamiliar, the basic premise is that this superhero, Pootie Tang, holds much of his power through a magic belt and is loved by people of all races and classes. The catch is that he is about 98% unintelligible. Not like unintelligible to me--like dude speaks gibberish and shit. It is awesome. And I don’t know if I have ever seen a movie with so many high-quality open-hand slaps to the face in my life. Seriously, Pootie Tang is some new shit. Some next level shit. Check it out.

By: Justin