The best part about being at the top of a mountain is that whichever way you piss, you don't have to worry about the stream coming back to get you.

You know what I saw the other day that I couldn't believe a person was still down to rock? A fucking toe ring. Those things were totally gross when they were popular, and they are still gross now. One could even say that they are timelessly gross...

I saw a commercial for a TV show with Dennis Hopper and it is all about the Pentagon and they show overhead views of the Pentagon on the commercial and it is shaped kind of like an O, but the show is called "E-Ring." If you ask me, I think that they really blew it; they had a legitimate chance to call a TV show "O-Ring."

You know what sucks balls? That girls have to go back to get their birth control prescriptions refilled every single month. Why the fuck can't they just get like 3 months' worth at a time? I bet if it were dudes that needed birth control pills, they could get a bigger refill than just a month's worth. Sexist fucking pharmacists.

It would be cool if I could masturbate without touching myself. Some Zen shit...

When you are in the army, do they issue you your drawers too? Do you get to pick between boxers and tighty whiteys?

Having surmised as much from the local landscape, I fear that this winter the new fashion is going to be pants tucked into the boots. I've been seeing a proliferation of it in Hipsterville, and every time I see it I can't help but think, "Where is the equestrian?" Not good times...

In LA there are a lot of girls that look the same. Allow me to elaborate. I feel like there is a standard LA girl look. It seems like 2 out of every 3 girls with brown hair get their hair cut at the same exact place, same exact style, first of all. Then they throw on the requisite giant tortoise shell sunglasses. I saw these girls all over LA. The thing is, on a scale of 1 to 10, they all look like 7s. When they take those giant sunglasses off, however, it is like the moment of truth. They either shoot up to a 9/10, or they plummet down to a 4/5. Talking to one of those girls is like getting a grab bag--you don't really know what you are getting until you open it up (or, in this case, take off the sunglasses).

I'm pretty sure that I just described talking to a girl as a "grab bag."

Dave Eggers described a girl with dirty blond hair as the color of a stick of butter with breadcrumbs stuck on it. He also described the road as "tumored" with SUVs. Nice verbiage.

You know what is hella sweet. Drinking with old people that are down to drink. They don't mix their alcohol with anything. They just drink whatever kind of alcohol they like straight (or on the rocks).

I went to Aqua for dinner (seared foie gras appetizer, lobster casserole (which was the best kind of misnomer--it was actually just giant hunks of lobster served with a puff pastry on the side and one sexy fucking sauce), and various cheeses and chocolates for dessert) and they had another appetizer that the menu described as being topped with "feta cheese foam."

That reminds me, I just have to say that I am totally down with lobster and crab, but I ain't down with all the work it entails (oi, get it?) to get at the meat. I need instant(er) gratification. That said, when the work is done by someone else, I am all about lobster/crab. But I ain't trying to set up at some restaurant with a fucking bib and greased up paws and shit (although Ken would just bring a pair of latex gloves).

William Baldwin is a low budget Alec Baldwin and Daniel Baldwin is a low budget Stephen Baldwin.

We were watching Candyman 2 on HBO because Candyman was so fucking sweet, and Amber dared me to go to the mirror and say Candyman 5 times. I said that I didn't want to--not necessarily because I was afraid that Candyman would come out and kill me, although that would suck. I know that the odds of Candyman existing are like a biznillion to one; the reason why I didn't want to say it in the mirror 5 times is because a part of me likes to be able to hold onto that one biznillionith chance that Candyman does exist. That is, it is nice to know it is possible (that Candyman exists) and going to the mirror would eliminate the possibility (or me). Do you know what I mean? She was all, "Besides, in the movie it's always the fucker that says there is no such thing and dares the evil to kill them. And they are the first to die." Which is a really strong supplemental point. The guy that does that is always a jackass and I am always cheering for that guy to die. So if I went to the mirror and said that, I would be casting myself as the asshole, and would want myself to die (in the movie).

I've called Cheesepockets' 800 number a few times before to find out where the nearest local Cheesepockets was when I was on the freeway and stuff (and once to find out what time a particular one opened--some open as early as 9:00, others as late as 10:30). I like to imagine that the place where the 800 number rings is some giant command center that is totally like some airport's air traffic control tower where all of these trained professionals with sweet computers and digital maps and instruments (and hands free Bobby Brown things) are talking all these various nervous ass drivers through how to get to their nearest respective Cheesepockets. Which of course makes me think of Brenda in Mallrats, and how those people are making the world a better place...

Sucks that inbetween isn't a word. There's a space in between.

Sometimes I wish I had a pager just so I could say to people: "Hit me on my pager." That would be cool.

You know what's the worst? When you think you have this big night ahead of you, so you decide to take a nap. No better way to ease into a nap than with a little masturbation...then when you wake up, all of your plans have fallen through so you are left with an evening chilling at home, which isn't so bad, but the problem is that you've already exhausted the best part of your night, and and and...

We walked down to Mi-T-Mart for supplemental snacks for a movie we were going to watch back at mom's, and we were looking at popcorns for a treat, but Kevin is a vegan, so we were looking through all the popcorns for a "no butter." Out of curiosity (I had suspicions), I looked at the ingredients on the bag of "double butter" popcorn and sure enough, there was no dairy of any kind in the popcorn. Fucking natural and artificial ingredients. So it turns out that a vegan is better off eating "Double Butter" popcorn than "94% Fat Free" popcorn--how fucked up is that? (we started looking at all the popcorn ingredients and the 94% had this giant sign on it that said: CAUTION: MILK)

Is there anything that makes you hungrier than a beach day?

Dude, if you could do it at the beach then it would be a double hunger.

Who do you think would win in a fight: A Hemp Necklace or a Pooka Shell Necklace? If you had to wear one or the other (or die), which would you choose? Do you think that there are people out there that have pooka shell necklaces on hemp? Could be one of the worst doubles of all time...

Did you see what just happened?

You know that distinctive smell of earth (read: dirt)? It is a pretty cool smell. I was wondering, way back in the day did all of Earth smell like earth? Fucking sidewalks...

What the hell is the deal with James Bond movies? They suck. At least they sure have sucked for the last 10-15 years. The must obviously still make money, otherwise they wouldn't keep making them. You don't even get to see naked boobies in them.

Have you ever met someone who thought that a diuretic meant something that gives you the shits? I have...a couple times...dumbasses.

One of my least favorite things on Earth is when I am watching a TV show or a movie and the person on screen is having problems breathing. It makes me breathe really shallowly and feel really uncomfortable...damn emphysema.

Sorry, no time for a that guy this week. Tomorrow is my first day of school...But this weekend we should all get drunk and play butt's up.

by Justin
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