I have to ask: Is it just a coincidence that Barry Bonds hasn’t played a single game, and doesn’t seem to mind too much, since they started testing for steroids? Hmmmm.

One of my favorite students (the Jean-Shorts-Kid) asked me if I speak Russian because I told them I was Russian and was wearing a hammer-and-sickle .comm polo. I told him that I could say goodbye, mumble the Russian National Anthem--thanks to having seen Rocky IV like 40 times--and could pronounce Russian vodka brands. He asked me if Jameson was Russian. Good times. I told him that Jameson wasn’t vodka. Then he asked, in the most sincerest, earnest voice: "Is Southern Comfort from the Dirty South?" Oh man, that was good times.

We were talking about describing our personalities, and he also asked me (he has a kind of soft, monotone delivery): "How do you know if you are funny?" I told him that if people laugh at you when you are trying to be funny or say something funny, then you are. If they laugh at you when you are trying to be serious, then you probably aren’t. You're something else.

One of my students asked me if I liked gas station nachos, and I replied, "Barfo barfo." Clearly I am still not the master of my teacher out-loud voice.

Not a single kid in my first period believed me that February is actually pronounced February and not Febuary, let alone spelled February.

Waking up at 6 in the morning every day has various drawbacks. One of them has to do with my number 2s. Sometimes I have to take a second number 2 around 8:30. The only good part about it is that I can say stuff like, "Uh oh. Here comes number 2 number 2." Good times...

One of my students told me that she has a new boyfriend. I asked her what his name was. She said, "Jesus (Spanish pronounciation)." Then I said, "Jesus (Spanish pronounciation)?" Then she said, "Jesus (Spanish pronounciation)." Then I said, "Jesus (English pronounciation)? She laughed and said, "Yeah." Then I said, "So, you're dating Jesus. Your mom must be thrilled." She thought that was really funny too. You know I did. But perhaps the retelling wasn’t that exciting...maybe something got lost in translation...

Oi, get it?

The weirdest thing was that since we both thought it was so funny, I decided to voicememo it for you, and when I started recording the voicememo, this kid freaked out. She got so excited, she started begging me to let her listen to the voicememo I'd just recorded. I was so confused; I asked her why she wanted to hear it so bad...since she was standing right next to me when I made it. She didn’t care about that. She just wanted to hear the voicememo on the phone sooooooo bad.

One of my favorite things on earth is ordering up one of those flaky, delicious tostada shells that some restaurants have (that are like bowls). You could fill that fucker with nothing but refried beans, guacamole (I was told there would be guacamole), and cheese, and I am a happy Mr. Justin. Not to sound like a culturally insensitive dick or anything, but what I have always wondered is, what is the difference between those plain, flat tostada shells that a lot of places have and regular tortilla chips? I can't say that I can tell the difference other than in the shape. Lil help?

When will there be no more hippies? Seriously, the 60s A) are so long ago and B) didn’t really work all-the-way anyways. The Grateful Dead are dead (cover band coming soon to a venue near you). Soap is more affordable than ever. The original hippies are all either utterly brain dead or sellout yuppies now. Half of the hippies I've seen these days have more money than I do. They drive SUVs. They have purebred puppies. Why can’t they just stop being hippies? We don’t need you anymore.

The Office has definitely grown on me quite a bit since the first time Bert showed it to me forever ago. I even went so far as to Netflix the DVDs for personal enjoyment. And I love Tim--he is so cute, what's not to love? But after finishing the second DVD, I was checking out the special features and I have to say, I just don’t get what the fuck those British blokes find so funny sometimes. The humor in the show itself translates well enough, but the outtakes and bloopers left me feeling quite confused, since the actors were howling and nothing even remotely funny was going on.

The smallest fucking province in the Russian empire.

Did I ever tell you about how, when I was a little kid, I got my first wallet? It had one of those plastic photo sleeve insert thingies, and being the smoothass 8-year-old player that I was, I decided I needed some pictures of some hot chicks in those sleeves (of course). So what did Mr. Justin do? He decided to use his mom's camera to take pictures of all the hot chicks on TV. Seemed like a solid enough plan. I had Wonderwoman, Daisy Duke, (I Dream of) Jeanie, and The Doublemint Sisters up in my wallet. Good times.

You know how I am all about the Trader Joe's Carrot Cake? Brief rundown: Supercheap, superdelicious, excellent frosting, no weird raisiny shit or anything like that, and vegetable servings. What more could you ask for? Whenever I select a Trader Joe's Carrot Cake, I always sift through the shelf, looking for one with a shitload of the blessed cream cheese frosting. I've got to tell you, every time I go to Trader Joe's, the ABCCFL (Average Blessed Cream Cheese Frosting Level) is greater than on the trip before. The last one I bought actually had so much frosting that it was squishing out the sides. *Nosesweat* Whether you've always loved it or never had it, like a god damn stock (it could be called ABCCFL on NASDAQ), it is time to buy buy buy.

You know that part of the egg on the edges of the pan that gets burned (not burned black, but burned)? Dave Eggers calls it "lace." I think that is an awesome call; it looks like lace.

I think wasted is the best double entendre of them all. I think Pavement would agree with me. What do you have to say to that, fucker?

"You worship the future like it’s some kind of saint; but it's just the past with a new coat of paint"--Sam Coomes.

Lemonade without vodka in it sucks.

Warm cheap vodka out of a plastic water bottle (drunk straight) sucks too.

Had to get those polar opposites (that I encountered on successive weekend days) off my back.

Drunk enough for dancing? Check.

I also listened to this lady, who owns some farm animals, tell me that her baby cow (now a year old) almost died at about 6 months old because, "It was so thin, it was totally emancipated."

Wearing day-old drawers in places like San Jo, where it is 95 degrees every day, is most definitely not the same thing as wearing day-old drawers in San Francisco (heat; ball-sweat). Do you know what I mean?

Some Beavis and Butthead anecdotes:

Butthead: "Zero is a vowel." Pure genius.

Beavis: "Why do they call it taking a dump? You leave a dump. You don’t take it anywhere."

They played my favorite Archers of Loaf song and Beavis liked it.

Then they played that Lita Ford/Ozzy Ozbourne duet song (Bri G: If I close my eyes forever) and Butthead was talking hella shit, saying stuff like, "Ozzy has lost it" and "This sucks" and "Ozzy should retire" and Beavis said, "I think you are being a little hard on Ozzy."

While watching some video with dancing girls, Butthead said, "This is the type of chick that got her tubes tied." That is some shit I have to start using...

We had a panel of teachers talking at my school in an assembly, and we were all talking about what our dream jobs were, and I said when I was young I wanted to be Magic Justin, Starting point guard for The Lakers or get paid to sit around and write novels. Surprisingly enough, they all remembered the Magic Justin one the next day, and not the writing thing.

RR gets credit for this one: When you are at Cheesepockets, when you go to pick up your food (when they call your number), you can ask the person handing you your food for a side of grilled onions. They will give it to you in one of those outer-burger-wrapper-bags, free of charge. A whole bag of grouse grilled onions to dispense as you see fit...Partyboy!

This week's that guy, Harry Dean Stanton, is described in his IMDB biography as a "Prolific character actor with a drooping, weather-beaten appearance and superb acting talent that have been his ticket to appearing in over 100 films, and 50 TV episodes." Other notable IMDB factoids are that he fronts a pseudo-mariachi band called "The Harry Dean Stanton Band" (catchy, eh?) and that he got tied up and pistol-whipped by burglars in his home in 1996.

His noteworthy credits include:
Anger Management (He was the best man at Jack's wedding in real life.)
The Green Mile
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me (Damn fine coffee.)
Twister (Chet alert. Him as the leading man=Never a good idea. The only cool part of this flick was the flying cow.)
Wild at Heart
Dream a Little Dream ("Well now I blew it. *Looks at wrist* Why did I just look at my wrist? I don’t wear a watch. I've never worn a watch. I should be in Hawaii right now, drinking a pina colada, looking at some Hawaiian chick, going 'Hello honey.'")
The Last Temptation of Christ (2 Jesus deals in this column.)
Pretty in Pink ("He must practice on watermelons or something.")
Paris, Texas
Red Dawn* ("AVENNNNNNNNNNNNNNGE ME.")
Repo Man (Sweet)
Christine (2 Jesus references and 2 Stephen King references...coincidence?)
Escape from New York
Alien
Up in Smoke
The Godfather: Part II
Cool Hand Luke (That's a lot of hard-boiled eggs folks.)

*WOOOOOOOOOLLVERIIIIIIINES

You didn’t really think I would miss a chance at getting to yell that out, did you?

Cougars.

by Justin
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